1

I vote 1

"Sweet dude ," Liam replied, grasping up Vorbis in a clawed hand. "Now, why don't you just go and tell Sean to give me back my shit with an apology and I'll let him go."

"AND an apology?" Sir Snoota asked.

"He did kind of hurt my feelings ," Liam said with a nod. "You better hurry, man. I get awfully hungry."

"Well, if you're a meat-eater, you don't eat fruit," Sir Snoota replied, "so he seems pretty safe."

"PUNNNNNNN!" Lashanna cried out as they trotted down the canyon back towards the fork.

*** LATER, IN THE OTHER CANYON ***

Sir Snoota glanced about the ravine, raising an eyebrow as he did. Ogres usually left some kind of mark indicating their presence. A used club...giant footprints...several emptied cans of applesauce. Something!

And yet, there was no sign of Sean the Ogre anywhere.

"Perhaps he is using his stealth skills," Lashanna suggested silently.

"Of course," Sir Snoota cried out. "Why didn't I think of that? A gigantic, monstrous humanoid that makes the earth shake when he moves MUST be hiding! That sneaky rascal!" The knight backhanded his elf. "Oaf. He's probably gone."

"No, I'm still here," came the rumbling reply.

"Who said that?" Sir Snoota asked, looking about for the voice.

"Me," said a nearby rock, "I'm Sean the Ogre. Howyadoin?"

Sir Snoota took a good, long look at the rock and scratched his chin. It wasn't until the gigantic piece of stone blinked that he noticed it wasn't a rock at all! It had arms, legs and a gigantic torso! The mighty ogre yawned, revealing a toothy maw.

"Shouldn't you be attacking us now?" Lashanna asked.

"I would," the ogre replied, "but you're so far away. I really don't feel like getting up right now."

"Oh," the elf said, "well, if it's not too much trouble, could you give us Liam the Troll's keg and rugby ball? He has our friend and he won't give him back unless we trade."

"HA!" Sean bellowed in laughter. "Tell that green-skinned hooligan if he wants his shit back, he can return MY lawn mower and MY can-opener. Otherwise, he can have my ass in his face."

"Oh, very well," Sir Snoota sighed, "we'll deliver your message, you whiny turd. We'll be right back."

"Well, I want some assurance," Sean growled, "if you don't come back, I want compensation for all the time you've wasted." He licked his lips. "That pig looks mighty tasty..."

"Uh..." Sir Snoota said.

What should Snoota do?
1: Not my pig! Take this scantily-clad elf, instead!
2: Well...you can have the pig, but if he's bacon, I'm gonna rock bottom you!

Then I choose it again.

Then...no...one more time...

ahh.

1.

333

2

Pig is man's best friend!

I appologize

"I'm just a scantily-clad elf!" Lashanna cried, walking down the road on her hands and knees. "We have a great respect for nature! We don't have much experience with mounts, for it oppresses them." She looked behind her, growling through the bridle in her mouth. "And maybe I'd go faster if you put away the riding crop."

"No can do," Sir Snoota said, whipping her rear with the crop once more. "If you show fear to your mount, they will smell it."

"Will you at least stop poking me in the back of the head with that sausage?" she asked, sighing.

"....sausage...yes...sure," he replied cooly.

As he rode the elf further into the canyon, they became aware of the sudden blackness that overtook the rocks. They had returned to Liam's realm, but where was the troll? And for that matter, where was the bard they had left in payment?

"RUGBY!"

Sir Snoota's latter question was answered as the bard came flying out of the sky, screaming like a banshee until he hit the rock floor and caromed off a nearby outcropping. The troll was not far behind, clad in his cleats and wearing a grin on his ugly face.

"Hey duder ," he said, "your little queer here has been helping me practice for tomorrow's game."

"We are having fun!" Vorbis moaned from the floor of the canyon. "After the third time he punted me, I just stopped feeling things!"

"Right on little dude," Liam said, "so did you talk to Sean?"

"We did," Sir Snoota said, nodding. "He says he wants you to give his stuff back before he gives your stuff back."

"Uh oh ," Liam said, scratching his head. "I lent his stuff to Jens the Hill Giant, two canyons over."

"Well, I'm not getting it!" Sir Snoota protested. "Not unless you can give my new mount some kneepads and gloves!"

"Nah, it's cool," Liam said, "you just gotta go back to Sean's and ask him to-"

"Why don't you ask me yourself, you damn dirty Newfie Troll?!"

A collective gasp emitted from the group as they spied the lumbering ogre, leading Snoota's pig by a leash. His prominent lower teeth were bared in a snarl and there was murder in his eyes.

"Oh snap, it's Sean ," Liam said.

"Yeah," the ogre snarled, "now, what were you about to say before I KICKED YOUR ASS?!"

"Woah dude," Liam replied, holding up his clawed hands in a show of peace. "No need to go getting all bent out of shape."

"Well, I came here for my stuff," Sean growled, "and I'm not leaving empty-handed."

"No problem," Liam said, "we've got four perfectly good morsels right here. Why don't we settle our differences over a meal of elf, knight, bard and pig ?"

"Well, I have bonded with this pig," Sean replied, "but I guess that other stuff would be good with applesauce."

"We're in trouble," Sir Snoota said, scratching Lashanna behind the ears absently. "Bard!"

"Si senor?" Vorbis asked from the dirt.

"Your tunes can inspire emotion!" he whispered harshly. "Play a tune and try to alter their mood."

Vorbis began to shuffle through his sheet music.

What should Vorbis play?
1: Play some emo! Make them sad!
2: Play some Yanni! Put them to sleep!
3: Play a love song! h0t h0t ogre-troll action!
4: Play some Japanese pop! Monsters can't stand that shit!