[ 03-26-2003: Message edited by: Bajah ]
[Human, elf, and dwarf are still chasing after the hobbit captors. Dawn has broken.]
FAEGOLAS: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.
GYDLI: Wait a minute, youre some kind of fortune teller now too? Hey, I can tell the future, too. [Gydli pulls a rolled up booklet from his belt and flips through some pages.] Were about to see a bunch of guys on horses and the damn elf gets to make his fans swoon again.
[Gydli growls and adjusts his tam when Faegolas perks up happily at the thought. Faegolas turns away and Gydli scribbles something into the booklet, grinning to himself.]
[The sound of horses comes to their ears. Ukkagorn quickly gets them to hide behind some boulders. A large group of men on horse, led by one in fairly shiny armor appears, galloping quickly with their banners flying and singing Three Lock Box. Ukkagorn comes out of hiding as they pass, followed by Faegolas and Gydli.]
UKKAGORN: Riders of RPCrest! What news from IRC?
[At a signal from Mightomer at the lead, the riders make a quick turn and head towards them, surrounding them in an ever-tightening circle. As they stop, they point their long spears menacingly at them.]
MIGHTOMER: What business does an elf, a man, and a dwarf have out here? And, I swear, if I hear one joke about a butcher, baker, and candlestick maker, Ill have your hides chopped and tanned rather wick-edly! And no waxing poetic, either!
GYDLI: Those were quite possibly the crappiest puns I have ever heard in my life.
MIGHTOMER: [He dismounts his horse, and steps towards Gydli.] I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground. Your friends would be stumped on what to do with you then!
[Faegolas sees his moment to shine and, in a lightning fast move, pulls from his quiver and points a rubber chicken?? at Mightomer. Faegolas looks bewildered and the men on horseback begin to chuckle.]
FAEGOLAS: What the?! That wasnt in the script! I cant make women swoon with a rubber chicken!
[Gydli howls with laughter and shakes the booklet from earlier at Faegolas.]
GYDLI: I changed the script on ya! Harhar! This is grand! Who is the shoddy comic relief NOW, elf?
[Faegolas lowers his bow as the Horsemen continue to chuckle and point at the elf.]
UKKAGORN: I'm Ukkagorn, son of Ukkathorn. This is Gydli, son of Groin, and Faegolas, from the Woodyland realm. We are friends of RPCrest and of Theodelph, its King.
MIGHTOMER: Theodelph no longer recognizes friends from foes. [He takes helmet off, carefully and somehow managing to show it off to everyone around him in one movement.] Not even a fellow Paladin, even though I passed him in levels and he can no longer try to outdo me.
[The spears are withdrawn, though the Poultry Archer comments still float amid snickers.]
MIGHTOMER: Parcuman has poisoned the mind of the Theodelph with caustic satire and has claimed lordship over this land in the process. My company are those loyal to RPCrest (they also cant read, so Parcus stories are useless). And for that, we are banished. The White Wizard is cunning and hungry. He walks here and there they say, diminutive with a long white beard, hooded and cloaked in all white, occasionally bearing a stain on the cloth. And everywhere his spies steal our pudding and . Its too difficult to tell.. [Mightomer sniffs and holds out an empty pudding cup.]
UKKAGORN: Feends they are! We are not pudhing theifs. We track a band of orcs westward acrost the plains. They have taken two of our friends captive.
MIGHTOMER: The Uruks are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night and danced a jig on their corpses. It was fun!
GYDLI: [Distraught, despairingly]: But there were a pair of wee Hobbits, do you see two Hobbits with them? One of them owes me money!
UKKAGORN: They would be small, only children to your eyes. Like 12 year old boys
MIGHTOMER: We left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them. If they were there, we would have noticed, of corpse.
[He points off in the distance, where a large blackened pile of bodies are still smoking from the fire.]
GYDLI: [Disbelievingly]: They are dead? [Then, more cheerfully] Well, at least theres plenty of smoked Orc!
MIGHTOMER: [He pauses briefly - then nods.] I am grave-ly sorry. Please dont be cross with us.
Hasufel! Arod! [Two riderless horses come forth.]
May these horses cairn-y you to better fortune than their former masters. Farewell.
[To the riders]: We ride north!
[Ukkagorn, Faegolas, and Gydli ride towards the burning carcasses, and Gydli tears into the pile like a plate of hotwings fresh from the kitchen. After a few moments, he pulls out a charred belt and dagger sheath.]
GYDLI: [Sadly]: You find the strangest things in food these days.
FAEGOLAS: I swear, if you make one Orc is White Meat joke, Ill put so many arrows through you, Ill find a new arrow trick and shave your beard from a distance.
GYDLI: Not me beard! Its my flavor saver!
[Ukkagorn turns away, off to the side, but as he does so, something catches his eye.]
UKKAGORN: A Hobbit lay here, and the other ive seen this before. Er maybe.
[Faegolas and Gydli raise their eyebrows at Ukkagorn.]
UKKAGORN: Not that ive got ixperiance in seehing them asleep well, other than that time at the inn when we first metted
[Ukkagorn attempts to change the subject as he flips the flashback switch. The scene shifts to a slightly blurred moment in the past: Blindin yells as he looks up at a pair of thrashing hooves bearing down on him. He puts his hands on his groin protectively and rolls over and out of the way.]
UKKAGORN: They crawled this way!
[Another blurry flashback pops up: Keggy and Blindin crawl frantically away from the scene of the orcs and uruks getting impaled by Mightomers group of men on horse.]
UKKAGORN: Their hands were bound .er, i think not that i know what kind depressins they make or anything.
[Ukkagorn hastily hits the flashback button again: Blindin rubs his bonds furiously against the sharp edge of an upturned blade.]
UKKAGORN: They managed to get free how do they always do that? But they were chased!
[Flashback again! This is fun! Their hands freed, the hobbits run away from the battle scene, dodging under a horse and trying to stay out of harms way. As they flee, Rodent King the Orc grabs Blindin by his belt and clings on!]
KEGGY: The belt! Run!
[Blindin undoes his belt and Rodent King screams in fear, expecting the worst. Luckily, Blindin does not drop his pants, but instead runs off. Rodent King sighs happily as the flashback returns to real time.]
UKKAGORN: Tracks lead away from the battle, into... Talgorn Forest.
GYDLI: Talgorn! What madness drew them there? Theres tales of all kinds of really freaky pictures in there I mean were talking completely disgusting!
[The hobbits are in Talgorn Forest.]
BLINDIN: Did we lose him? I think we lost him.
[Suddenly, Rodent King the Orc bursts through the branches, brandishing a blade.]
RODENT KING THE ORC: I'm gonna rip off both your little heads! Come here! And then Im goin after yer friend!
KEGGY: Trees! Climb a tree! Orcs are too dumb to climb trees!
[Blindin and Keggy each scramble up a tree.]
KEGGY: He's gone. He mustve found a new picture to paste his face on!
[Suddenly, Keggy is pulled by his legs and falls to the ground. Rodent King leans over him with his menacing blade.]
BLINDIN: Keggy!
[Blindin looks down in horror but as he turns his head, he spots a pair of piercing ice blue eyes blinking in the tree hes clinging to.]
BLINDIN: Ah! Those are some damn scary eyes! I bet he eats children!
[Blindin loses his grip in fright and falls. The tree catches him.]
RODENT KING THE ORC: [To Keggy]: Let me show ya how I remove a face before I add my own!
[Suddenly Rodent King senses something behind him and as he looks up, the tree squashes him.]
BLINDIN: Run, Keggy!
[The Tree scoops up Keggy.]
KALBEARD: Little dorcs!
BLINDIN: It's talking, Keggy. The tree is talking. Either that or were dead and this is crappy Hobbit Heaven. I knew the Shire had weird mushrooms.
KALBEARD: Tree? WTF! Ever heard of role-playing? *I* am an Ent!
KEGGY: Hes an RPer! Ahem.. Shepherd of the forest.
BLINDIN: Don't talk to it Keggy. Don't encourage it.
KALBEARD: KaLbeard, some call me. My beard eats children. You look like orc children.
KEGGY: We are not Orcs. We are Hobbits! And were full grown and sexy young men!
BLINDIN: Very sexy! Want me to tell you about all the Hobbit chicks Ive dated?
KALBEARD: Hobbits? Never heard of a Hobbit before. Sounds like Orc mischief to me. They come with fire, they come with axes. Biting, breaking, hacking, burning. Destroyers and usurpers. Curse them!
KEGGY: No! You don't understand. We are Hobbits, halflings. Shirefolk! You know, dancing, eating, making hot short love, the whole works!
KALBEARD: Maybe you are, and maybe you aren't. The White Wizard will know.
BLINDIN: White Wizard? Goddamnit, are we playing Gauntlet now or something? Blue Rogue needs chicks!
KEGGY: No, you idiot! Its Parcuman!
[KaLbeard drops Keggy and Blindin on the ground and the Hobbits look .. sorta.. up in wonder or something at the White Wizard, though hes strategically off-screen.]
*happily reads next installment*
it must not be very ezy to write this stuff.
Well done Bajah, you gething better at it!
now if you excuse me, i have to go get dressed up for part 4 ...
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith
Thinking about your posts
(and billing you for it) since 2001
quote:
BLINDIN: White Wizard? Goddamnit, are we playing Gauntlet now or something? Blue Rogue needs chicks!
Hehe.
and KaLbeard enters the fray 
fell out of my chair laughing at the beard eating line.. god damn
I don't care what anybody says, Bajah you rock.
I'm having a hard time staying motivated for this parody. No one really seems to give a damn except Addy 
Everyone else just gives a token 'hehe' response and then forgets about it Parce's got stickied and tons of responses... am I not up to par?
BUT, here's work from Ukko for the story!
OR DOES THE SITE JUST NOT MATTER HUH
quote:
Veruca Salt Model 2000 was programmed to say:
Dude I'm already putting it up on the site. That is love, yo.OR DOES THE SITE JUST NOT MATTER HUH
Excellent work!
I certainly couldn't have hoped to have done better
I anjoy reading this, actuly, i read it 3 times already!! 
now less talking and more story!!!
I'll sketch stuff when i have time to spair (and thats not lot, but i try a pic for every part Bajah pops up!)
I still say "Keep up the good work!"
oh, and kickass work Ukko! Impressive as always.
Helm's Deeeeeep
It's not something people hear about.
quote:
Sauron had this to say about Reading Rainbow:
Parce's got stickied and tons of responses... am I not up to par?
Don't try to compare yourself to me, boy. You'll fall short everytime.
It's hilarious and great writing at the same, so stop worrying.
But god, the puns...
Thinking about your posts
(and billing you for it) since 2001
quote:
Verily, Sauron doth proclaim:
BUT, here's work from Ukko for the story!
awe-freaking-some!
Thinking about your posts
(and billing you for it) since 2001
This is good stuff. I can't wait to see what you can do with RotK later...
TERENUM: See, see, we have led you to such lovely place! So many stories here yes yes. Hurry hurry, so close we are!
CHALWISE: Whoa! It's a bog! He's led us into a swamp! I TOLD you he talked a little too much like Yoda! Great, so when do you go in the tree and kill Darth Vorbader?
TERENUM: Swamp, yes. Come on, stup.. super hobbits! We show you safe paths! Orcs dont know them. But orcs are really dumb, so were not saying much here.
CHALWISE: There are dead things! Dead faces in the water! Its like a watery graveyard its kinda cool, really. And [Chalwise screams.]
VORBO: What is it, Chal?
CHALWISE: Theres a minotaur in there! I swear he smiled at me!
TERENUM: All dead. These are the Dead Marshes! This way. Don't follow the lights. We repeat, do not follow the lights!
CHALWISE: Ohh!
TERENUM: Careful now! Or hobbits go down to join the dead ones, and that would suck because wed get blamed for it and the movie would make no money of poor poor Terenum would be on the streets begging for change.
[Vorbo falls face-down into the water.]
CHALWISE: Vorbo! Criminy, are you DEAF?
[Vorbo sees many faces of the dead in the water. Their hands reach for him, seeking to draw him into their realm]
VORBO: Glurble brubble blub! [Rough Translation: Holy shit ghosts!]
[Suddenly he is grabbed from behind and pulled ashore.]
VORBO: Terenum? I was about to get my mack on with the undead! You ever see Ghostbusters? Dan Ackroyd was a lucky lucky man, I tell you.
TERENUM: Don't follow the lights, you stupid hobbit.
CHALWISE: Vorbo! Are you all right? We need to get you out of these wet clothes.
[Nightfall: Chalwise is asleep but Vorbo is still awake. He holds the Ring in the palm of his hand, staring at it and stroking it. Suddenly he hears a voice.]
TERENUM: So bright, so beautiful. Ah precioussss. Like chocolate, only better it is yes yes.
VORBO: What did you say?
TERENUM: Master should be sleeping. Master need to keep up his strength and not listen to Terenum.
VORBO: Who are you?
TERENUM: Mustn't ask us it's name, not his business. Terenum, Terenum.
VORBO: Karnalf told me you were one of the River Folk.
TERENUM: Heart and stone, rock and bone. Cold is never far from home.
VORBO: He said your life was was a sad story. I mean, damn, you wouldnt believe some of the things he knows about you. Id swear you two were related. He seems to think.. er.. maybe I should stop.
TERENUM: They do not see what lies ahead when sun has faded and moon is dead.
VORBO: You were not so different from a Hobbit once were you... Khygol?
TERENUM: [Turning around]: What did you call me?!
VORBO: That was your name once, wasn't it? A long time ago.
TERENUM: My... My name... Khygol.
[As he speaks, he notices something in the sky, and draws back in fear.]
CHALWISE: The Fazgul!!
TERENUM: Hide! Hide!
CHALWISE: C'mon Vorbo, C'mon!
TERENUM: They will see us! Wraiths! Wraiths on wings!
CHALWISE: I thought they were dead!
TERENUM: Dead? Why would you think that? You werent even IN the scene where they got washed away. You cant kill the Fazgul. They always come back to be even more annoying than the last time.
FAZGUL: Kameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehamehaaa!! [SuperSaiyanScreech]
TERENUM: They are calling for the precious. They are calling for the preciousssss.
[Vorbo reaches for the Ring. Chalwise holds Vorbo's hand.]
CHALWISE: It's all right, Vorbo. Were here, together. Ill look out for you.
[The Fazgul circles overhead, sitting on the back of a winged dark elf.]
AANI: See, jackass? Nothing here. You interrupted my bath for nothing! Not to mention it stinks out here. Do you have any idea what swamp climate does to my hair? Any at all? Its not good, I tell you. And another thing
[Aanis voice fades out as they fly away into the distance it sounds like the Fazgul may have been sobbing.]
TERENUM: Hurry, hobbits. The Black Gate is very close. Were almost there and then I can lead you into a pretty cave and show you shinies! Hobbits like shinies, right!
[Meanwhile, Ukkagorn and company go into Talgorn Forest to look for Keggy and Blindin.]
GYDLI: Orc blood! All over the place like an orc just up and exploded here. Thats really freaking odd. I should have watched more CSI, I bet I could figure this out.
UKKAGORN: These are strange tracks. Ive never seen anything like it. Like someone with two club feet and a walker or something.
GYDLI: The air is so damp and tight here. Lots of moisture. Reminds me of Hooters.
FAEGOLAS: This forest is old. Older than Callalron.. Full of memories...and anger. The trees are talking to each other. Theyre pissed about something something sharp and cruel.
UKKAGORN: Gydli!
GYDLI: [Gydli looks up from gnawing on something and shoves it behind his back.] Huh?
UKKAGORN: Lower your axe.
GYDLI: Oh! I can do that.
FAEGOLAS: Ukkagorn, nad no ennas! [Translation: "Something is out there!"]
UKKAGORN: Gnads? What? Crap, babelfish is still down.
FAEGOLAS: The White Wizard approaches.
UKKAGORN: Do not let him speak. He will put a spell on us! We must be quick. Parcuman is known for the power of his words!
[With a yell, the three swing round to attack in accord. They are suddenly blinded by a bright light emanating from the White Wizard. Gydlis axe and Faegolas arrow are deflected. Ukkagorn's sword becomes to hot to hold.]
WIZARD: I am SUCH a bad ass. I even know youre here looking for hobbits!
UKKAGORN: Where are they?!
WIZARD: They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. He was a bad ass, too. In fact, he is me!
UKKAGORN: Who are you? Show yourself!
[The light dims, revealing Karnalf, dressed in white.]
UKKAGORN: It cannot be! You fell! Like those really hard poops!
KARNALF: Through fire and water . Like a really hard poop.
[Yey forFlashbacks: Karnalf is battling the Kargramarog on a peak in a game of Connect Four.]
KARNALF: (VOICEOVER): From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought him, the Kargramarog of Ozigoth. I defeated him in every single game we played. From Monopoly to Twister to Chutes & Ladders, his ass was mine.
[Karnalf holds up Glamdring and a flash of lightning strikes it as he dances in victory of his Connect Four. The flash seems to blind the Kargramarog. With a cry and his mouth seems to form an OHNOSE!!!11, the Kargramarog falls from the peak and lands, smoking, onto the icy mountainside. The camera pans back up and Karnalf is lying in the snow, making a snow angel.]
KARNALF: (VOICEOVER): Darkness took me as I leveled up. I strayed out of thought and time, because it takes forever to finally assign points and such. Stars wheeled overhead and each day was as long as a life age of the earth Im not kidding, it takes forever. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again, like Ive never felt before. It was nice. I've been sent back until my task is done.
[End Flashback.]
UKKAGORN: Karnalf.
KARNALF: Karnalf? Oh yes. That's what they used to call me. Karnalf the Grey. That was my name.. a very sexy name I might add.
GYDLI: Karnalf, I missed you! Bring any beer? Im low on rations.
KARNALF: I am Karnalf the White now. Would you like to know why?
UKKAGORN: Not really....
FAEGOLAS: Better than Karnalf the Red.
[They start to walk through the forest, with Karnalf leading the way.]
KARNALF: Its a good thing I got back. Parcumon brings war to RPCrest. We must ride to Edorkas with all speed.
[Outside the forest, Karnalf whistles piercingly. Soon an answering neigh is heard and a white horse appears from the plain, answering the call.]
FAEGOLAS: That is one of the Furries, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell.
KARNALF: Chibifaxdragon. He's the lord of all horses and he's been my friend through many dangers. Though sometimes he thinks he is a cat with bad karma.. its kinda funny really. Hes got a pet dog somewhere, but its never there when he needs it.. which means, well, its never there.
[The four ride off, Gydli downwind from the rest of them.]
It's not something people hear about.
A man that got me
to funny ... Aaa yes ... good story, we request more!!!!
UBB pwns me [ 03-27-2003: Message edited by: Star Collective ]
J'aime beaucoup
quote:
KARNALF: (VOICEOVER): From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought him, the Kargramarog of Ozigoth. I defeated him in every single game we played. From Monopoly to Twister to Chutes & Ladders, his ass was mine.
That reminds me of Bill and Ted's Most Bogus Adventure where they beat down Death as various games like Battleship
quote:
Kekvit Irae spewed forth this undeniable truth:
That reminds me of Bill and Ted's Most Bogus Adventure where they beat down Death as various games like Battleship
EXACTLY what I thought of too
quote:
Kekvit Irae's unholy Backstreet Boys obsession manifested in:
That reminds me of Bill and Ted's Most Bogus Adventure where they beat down Death as various games like Battleship
Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.
Aani is a bitter bitter elf right now...
OMGS Baj, I bow down to your creativity!
Thinking about your posts
(and billing you for it) since 2001
quote:
Beaukat a.k.a Nibbles's account was hax0red to write:
MORE!!
MORE!!
MORE!!!!!
J'aime beaucoup
Tee Hee Brutus!!
err...
..wut Beaukat sed..
