EVERCREST vs THE MONSTROUS MANUAL
Today's fight is nothing short of humiliating, extrapolating, defoliating, and just plain goofy! Prepare yourselves for...
TEAM EVIL: Maradon, Mortious, and Cadga vs TEAM ABERRATION: Aboleth, Otyugh, and Beholder
Our tried and true announcer and referee Karnaj walks out, escorted by the ring girls. He walks to the center of the ring and produces a small tub of ice cream with a a grinning, green-haired Australian chick on it.
Karnaj: Tonight's fight is brought to you by, "AbbiCream". When Pvednes Puffs just don't cut it, reach for the AbbiCream.
Karnaj tosses the ice cream aside, dismisses his escort, and whips out his mic.
Karnaj: Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and Girls! (_|_) and (_|_)!
Karnaj points to one side of the ring.
Karnaj: In THIS CORNAAAAAAH! Those bastards you love to hate! They whine, they stink, they throw poo, and you can't live without 'em! It's...
Team EVIL
Team EVIL's theme song: "It's a Small World" begins playing as they come out, marching towards the ring. Leading the pack is a very confused-looking monkey wearing glasses and a fez. In the middle is a towering suit of black armor that exudes gas as he walks. He is dragging a teary-eyed little dark elf by a leash.
Mortious: Will you quit your blubberin'?
Maradon: It's not fair! Those kids outside took my ice cream, and you didn't do anything!
Cadga: tahts not true...I helped them kick sand in your face.
Karnaj points to the other side of the ring and gestures.
Karnaj: And in THIS CORNAH! It takes serious talent to be as screwed up as these guys! They'll turn you to stone, fry your brains, and eat your garbage! It's...
Team Aberration!
A trio of odd-looking creatures enter as "Yellow Submarine" begins playing. Leading them is a floating sphere of dense flesh with several stalks protruding from its head, a central eye in the middle, and a maw of sharp teeth below that. Following is a bloated, three-legged ovoid with a massive mouth full of teeth, two tentacles ending in sharp claw-liked growths, and a tentacle with two eyeballs on it. It is pulling an aquarium on wheels containing a tentacled, prehistoric fish with three eyes.
Karnaj: The first fighters will be...MARADON and...THE ABOLETH!
Maradon hops into the ring, a skinny little dark elf wearing an ill-fitting nightgown and wielding a gnarled stick with a duck head on it.
The otyugh uses its tentacles to lift the Aboleth's aquarium into the ring.
Aboleth: Prepare to be made a mental slave to my superior mind, primate!
Maradon: Just so long as you don't put a black box over my posts.
FIGHT!
The Aboleth's three red eyes glow brightly as it transmits a psionic signal. Suddenly, a gang of three black-skinned amphibians with humanoid bodies, clawed hands, and fish-tails swarm into the ring!
Aboleth: Go, my Skum minions! Attack and destroy!
Maradon: Cheater! Cheater! All I have is this crappy skeleton!
Clyde the Skeleton: Hello.
The three Skum quickly run to the other side of the ring, trampling Clyde, and bearing down upon Maradon. Curling their hands into dense fists, they begin pummeling the wimpy lil' feller.
Maradon: OW! Hey! Stop! I don't have any more lunch money! OW! Owie! This is all Verant's fault! Somehow, they're to blame for all this.
Abashi: *from under the ring* He's onto us...let's get out of here!
Maradon: Ow! That's IT!
Maradon begins kicking and screaming, throwing his little bony legs and arms out in a terrible whirlwind of whine. His kicks and flailings pummel the Skum minions, sending them flying into the ring.
Maradon gets up and brushes himself off.
Aboleth: Merely dumb luck. Land walkers haven't the intelligence to deal with my superior intellect!
Maradon: Superior intellect, huh? What do you think of THIS?
Maradon hands Aboleth a 30-page essay on Necromancers in EQ. Aboleth quickly reads it.
Aboleth: Intelligence score...dropping...dropping...
Maradon: Ha HA! Now to finish you off!
Maradon inhales deeply, nearly causing his robes to fall off, then emits a sonic WHINE attack! The Aboleth screams as its aquarium is shattered and it collapses onto the ring, waterless.
Maradon: Ho ho ho! Betcha don't get THAT from a cleric post!
Aboleth flops about for a few moments before rising up on its tentacles and glaring at Maradon.
Aboleth: I don't have the Amphibious Extraordinary Ability for nothing, primate.
Aboleth quickly flops to the other side of the ring and begins slapping Maradon with its tentacles! Slowly, its terrible mutation abilities take form...slowly turning Maradon into a puddle of ooze.
Aboleth: Now, suffer the fate of all those others who dared to oppose me! With my devouring of you, I absorb your memories and your powers!
Aboleth bends down and slurps up the MaraOoze, burping in satisfaction at the end.
The ring girls walk out and hold up the Aboleth by his tentacles, while Karnaj walks out.
WINNER: ABOLETH!
Karnaj: Nice work, Psionic Sir! How do you feel now?
Aboleth: Good...I have this irresistable urge to go to a place called the "PoF" by myself, though...
Very nice!
quote:
Mr. Parcelan had this to say about Cuba:
Aboleth quickly flops to the other side of the ring and begins slapping Maradon with its tentacles! Slowly, its terrible mutation abilities take form...slowly turning Maradon into a puddle of ooze.
Maradon : Help! Help! I'm being nerfed!
[ 12-13-2001: Message edited by: Kanid ]
hehe
bring it y0
Cadga da Simian Sith overlord of death will vanquish j0 ass
that and i have plenty of poo to fling.. RAWR!
*tips his hat at the rodent*
quote:
Mr. Parcelan had this to say about Duck Tales:
His kicks and flailings pummel the Skum minions, sending them flying into the ring.
TAKE THAT!
git em bob !
quote:
Maradon: It's not fair! Those kids outside took my ice cream, and you didn't do anything!Cadga: tahts not true...I helped them kick sand in your face.
Funniest. Quote. Ever.
quote:
Stane thought this was the Ricky Martin Fan Club Forum and wrote:
Buys ten oversized foam hands and gets a good view for the next match
*cheers for the beholder again*
yey!
Bob is gonna do sumthin' funny t' mort
[ 12-13-2001: Message edited by: Geeorn ]
quote:
Geeorn had this to say about Duck Tales:
it's also possible that Parc'll use that one Beholder from Baulder's Gate 2 that is probably the funniest RPG NPC i have ever seen
the one that wants to people to rip their eyes out ?
oo what about Mort Vs noober ! >=) [ 12-13-2001: Message edited by: Anklebitur D'gnome ]
ROUND TWO
This next round takes place between the two most foul-smelling, garbage-eating freaks in the land.
Karnaj walks out, escorted by the chainmail bikini-clad ring girls.
Karnaj: We've just been informed that the Stone Maulers Ogre Tribe is hosting a victory party at their cave after the fight. You are requested to bring either food, drinks, or halflings for Pinatas.
Bajah: At last! I'll be of some use!
Karnaj dismisses his escort and gestures to one side of the ring.
Karnaj: IN THIS CORNER (we can't say "cornah", 'cause this combatant would bust us for bad spelling)! The definition of bitter old-schooler! The man filled with hot, steamy gas, and we're not talking about Drysart! It's...
MORTIOUS!
A gigantic suit of animated black armor lunges into the ring, weilding a gigantic two-handed sword and exuding a noxious green gas from every chink in his armor.
Mortious: The only thing I do better than look at furry pr0n is...er...bash my sister! But the only thing I do better than THAT is KICK ABERRATION ASS!
Karnaj gestures to the other side of the ring.
Karnaj: And in THIS CORNAAAAAAH! The only tentacled beast no Asian schoolgirl wants to meet! He lives in garbage better than Oscar the Grouch! He eats shit on a continual basis, and we don't mean Bane! It's...
OTYUGH!
A massive, bloated ovoid of flesh with three stumpy legs and three trunk-like tentacles is busily shoveling large amounts of garbage into his toothy maw, paying no attention to his armored combatant.
Karnaj: Now, before we fight, a public service announcement...
A tiny, implike creature marches up to the center of the ring.
Lenlalron: Greetings. On behalf of the Munchkins of EverCrest, I'd like to protest the unethical treatment towards us. In the past, our concerns have been brushed away as we have been battered, beaten, and-AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
Otyugh's attack tentacles lash out and snatch Lenlalron, scooping the munchkin into his great mouth.
Otyugh: Mmmmmmm...
Karnaj: Alright! This fight is already off to a good start!
FIGHT!
Mortious screams and lifts up his gigantic greatsword and charges the otyugh, hacking away at its fleshy body! The aberration continues its filthy feast, oblivious to Mortious' assault.
Mortious: What the...?
Mortious begins punching at the otyugh with his gauntleted fist to no avail. Otyugh continues to feed.
Mortious: What is this?!?! This fatass MUST have a weakness!
Otyugh looks up from its feast with a hurt expression on its features, two tears dripping from the two eyes on its central tentacles.
Otyugh: F-fat? Did joo call me FAT?!
Mortious: Oh HO! So that's your weakness! You're emotionally fragile!
Otyugh: My doctor says I am joost a little sensitive about my weight.
Mortious: Is that so lardass? Well, let me tell you, you're the fattest thing I've ever seen! In fact, upon seeing you on the streets, I would mistake you for the lovechild of Jabba the Hutt and Marlon Brando!
Otyugh: Joo British people are all alike! Joo think joo can joost peeck on whoever joo like!
Mortious: Ha ha ha! YEAH! GIMME YOUR LUNCH MONEY!
Otyugh screams like a little girl and begins hobbling around on his three trunk-like legs, while Mortious follows closely, hacking away with his sword.
Otyugh: Stop heeteeng me! I am awl fool of chocolate and cannot run fawst!
Mortious: Bwa ha ha! Who says Shadow Knights can't solo?
Sildiddar: *from the audience* d00d, Mort is liek a l0zer n00b SK. I could so totally pwn him!
Aboleth: *peering up from ringside* That's a filthy lie! You know as well as I do Necros can't do ANYTHING! Dear God...what am I saying?!?!
The mad chase finally stops as the Otyugh trips over a heap of garbage. Mortious looms overhead, ready to deliver the finishing blow.
Suddenly, he stops to look at some furry pr0n that someone discarded in the trash.
Mortious: Awww yeah...times like this I wish my genitalia hadn't rotted away hundreds of years ago.
Beholder: *from ringside* HIT HIM, YOU HENTAI REJECT!
Otyugh squeals and snaps! He pummels Mortious to scrap metal with his attack tentacles and vicious bites! By the time it's over, Mortious is a crumpled heap upon the ground. Otyugh raises his tentacle to deliver the final blow.
Otyugh: I dedicate this veectory to my parents! Who were killed by Orcs long ago.
Mortious' glowing eyes narrow angrily and he lunges to his feet.
Mortious: What...did...you...say?
Otyugh: Uhh...I love joo?
Mortious: AAAAAAARGH! I can't STAND your pitiful background! Take THIS!
Mortious' groin flap lifts up and a spring-loaded punch glove launches out, socking the Otyugh and knocking him out cold!
Karnaj walks out and lifts Mortious' arm up, being careful to put on his gas mask when being exposed to the Shadow Knight's pit.
WINNER: MORTIOUS!
But this one was still good. 
Jania vs Mort, anyone?
AWESOME!!!
Chainmail bikini girls! w00t!
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith
quote:
Mr. Parcelan had this to say about Cuba:
[QB[/i]WINNER: MORTIOUS![/QB]
Best. Fight. Ever.
*congrats Mortious*
the funney was there, and Mort one. Non fight was ever better.
Ozius
Best EC vs MM I've seen to date!
Any good munchkin would have at least 35 AC!!
There is no way an Otyugh would be ablt to hit him!
Pvednes Puffs are a nice complement to AbbiCream, thank you very much.. 
quote:
And I was all like 'Oh yeah?' and Mr. Parcelan was all like:
Aboleth: *peering up from ringside* That's a filthy lie! You know as well as I do Necros can't do ANYTHING! Dear God...what am I saying?!?!
In losing, Maradon seems to have won.
And great fights, Parcelan. You just keep getting better at these.
This means Cadga and the Beholder for the final match. That could be a very strange fight.
In the beginning the Universe was created.Douglas Adams, 1952-2001
quote:
Mr. Parcelan thought this was the Ricky Martin Fan Club Forum and wrote:
Put yo' bansticks in the air, and wave 'em around like ya just don't care!Our tried and true announcer and referee Karnaj walks out, escorted by the ring girls. He walks to the center of the ring and produces a small tub of ice cream with a a grinning, green-haired Australian chick on it.
Karnaj: Tonight's fight is brought to you by, "AbbiCream". When Pvednes Puffs just don't cut it, reach for the AbbiCream.
That's RED-Haired you stoopid gopher... Everyone knows that Rhiannah is the one with the green hair...
quote:
Mr. Parcelan then went on to babble:
Karnaj tosses the ice cream aside, dismisses his escort, and whips out his mic.
*covers her eyes*
I do NOT want to know where he got that from....
(Insert snippet from 'Blazing Saddles')
"'Scuze me while I whip this out..."
quote:
AbbigailSD had this to say about Punky Brewster:
That's RED-Haired you stoopid gopher
[ 12-16-2001: Message edited by: Ford Prefect ]
Maradon holds up his duck stick, "Take that!"
Beholder screams in horror, "It's hideous! The agony! AGONY!"
quote:
Geeorn had this to say about Punky Brewster:
it's also possible that Parc'll use that one Beholder from Baulder's Gate 2 that is probably the funniest RPG NPC i have ever seen
I loved that guy
since EC always loses...well i shall FIGHT PROUD AND TRUE WITH VALIANCE AND POO!
