I still have not done anything with my life. My little brother has turned into a druggie. I doubt either of us have yet to get over it... it still does not feel like she is really gone. Every day, I expect her to walk in the door and go 'Hi!'.
Neither my brother or I have ever grieved over her, either. Even right now, I am just on the verge of tears... but no further. I just cannot progress beyond that point. I do not know whether or not to hate myself for it or what...
I used to be so nice. After my mothers death though, I just turned... mean... crawled up into a little ball and died a little more each day. The worst part is, I really have no idea how to fix it. Every attempt to get off my ass and make something of myself is halted by this big... mind block... thing. Every attempt is destined to fail, so why try?
I do not even feel like I really have a family anymore. Never had a dad, mom is gone, and my little brother is just... some guy.
Why her? Why ME? I keep asking myself this every day. Everyone else has nice happy tralala families, with parents STILL ALIVE, whom they can look on for support. And if the worst came to bear, they could fall back on them in their time of need. Me? My father ran off when I was so young, I cannot remember him at all. But I did inherit the horrible anger problems. Thanks dad! Then I get this absolute asshole invading my life, fucking my brother and I over psychologically (am STILL quite fucked), and generally making everyone miserable. Thanks moms boyfriend! Then as I grow up, I get stabbed, molested, run over by a tractor, set on fire (well, that was my fault, and it was just my shirt), had caustic burning ouchy painful horribly scarring chemicals dumped on my leg, plus I think I broke a few bones in there somewhere. Then my mom has to go and DIE right after my 19th birthday. Whee! Oh, then my brother starts smoking pot. Then starts doing coke, meth, extacy, and fuck knows what else. And I completely blame myself for it, too.
Just what the hell did I do to deserve all this?
I have been told I am becoming paranoid delusional, thinking the world is out to get me...
But not if I get it first.
I really have no idea why I posted this. But I feel a little better nontheless.
God I miss my mommy... Led fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 07:27 AM.
Not much I can say, however. Just have to try and get on with your life Good luck, I hope things will start looking up for you soon
quote:
Just what the hell did I do to deserve all this?
You answered this yourself; you haven't grieved for her passing. Since it's been two years, I'd recommend therapy for going through the grieving process. As long as you don't go through the grieving process, you will stay stuck where you are.
quote:
Everyone else has nice happy tralala families, with parents STILL ALIVE, whom they can look on for support. And if the worst came to bear, they could fall back on them in their time of need.
Not everyone lives in this fairy tale. Both my parents are still alive, yet I could not and will never be able to look to them for support. They failed me as a child, never apologized, and refused support in the future.
I had been in counseling several times as a lil girl, but I really have no idea what grief counsel would entail 
quote:
Led's unholy Backstreet Boys obsession manifested in:
Yeah, I have been considering therapy as of late.I had been in counseling several times as a lil girl, but I really have no idea what grief counsel would entail
Grief counselors walk you through the grieving process. If you are religious, a priest can do this as well.
There are various stages, depending on who's theory is subscribed to, however, they all start with Denial, pass through Anger, and finish with Acceptance.
quote:
Vernaltemptress still thinks SARS jokes are topical, as evidenced by:
Grief counselors walk you through the grieving process. If you are religious, a priest can do this as well.There are various stages, depending on who's theory is subscribed to, however, they all start with Denial, pass through Anger, and finish with Acceptance.
I've been told that you bounce around the five stages pretty much your whole life after someone dies, and there's no set order to it for most people.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith
Tori, you have nothing to blame yourself in regards to your mother's death or your brother's problems and nor should you feel singled out. Death is a part of life, everyday people lose those they care for most, possibly even those they depend on. Some sinister force isn't out there plotting how many ways it can screw you and your family over. It was your mother's time, hard as that is, it was her time. There was nothing you or anybody could do when the bell tolls for a person. The same could be said for your brother. It was his choices that have lead him down the road he is taking, no one elses, not your's or the series of events that have followed you and your brother through life, but his conscious choice to try and bury the pain that accompanies life at times with drugs. You're doing the same now, letting the pain that you won't let yourself get through, using that as an excuse for your arguments that nothing you do really matters and so you curl tighter and tighter, removing yourself more and more from the world.
At least you've taken the first step to helping yourself, Tori, acknowledging you have a problem (not being able to grieve and letting this ruin your life) and pondering 3rd party help for it. Check with some local groups for grief therapy, even if you're not religious most priests/pastors are a good source of free counseling and they have training in helping people through difficult times in their life.
Lastly, cause I think I'm starting to preach too... Tori, you aren't alone. You might not think you have family but you have people out there who do care for you and wish to help you through these problems.(*cough*Bajah*cough*EC*cough*) Don't feel too embarrassed or prideful to ask for help if you need it.
<snuggles Led again> Katrinity fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 10:05 AM.
It really does help to have someone to talk you through it all. My hair even stopped falling out by handfuls! 
Like Vernal, my family may be alive, but they are not supportive, I have a hard time even talking to any of them. It's been months since I spoke to my parents on the phone.
Josh and UBT are my family now. They have always been supportive of me, and there for me when I needed them.
Go talk to a counselor, talk through everything, and you will be able to let some of it go. I still get teary-eyed when I think of my brother Jon, but I am not consumed with the grief any longer. For almost 6 months after he died, I couldn't get him out of my thoughts, and I would cry almost constantly. You need to be able to open the flood gates, let go of her, and then move forward.
LOG fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 04:28 PM.
quote:
Somthor's fortune cookie read:
I feel for you.
Christ, have some respect. This isn't a one-upping contest. LOG fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 04:28 PM.
* skritch skritch
Feel better soon, Tori.
quote:
Somthor wrote, obviously thinking too hard:
I feel for you.
This isn't a Flame Thread. LOG fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 04:29 PM.
I have to agree with Vernal on this... some therapy would likely do wonders. Losing someone close is never easy, and I've watched what a refusal to grieve does to people in the long run.
I'm sure you've got at least a dozen people you'd go to first, but... if you need an ear, or a shoulder, or just a hug... you've got it.
quote:
ACES! Another post by Somthor:
I feel for you.
This isn't a Flame Thread. LOG fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 04:30 PM.
quote:
Verily, Mr. Parcelan doth proclaim:
Christ, have some respect. This isn't a one-upping contest.
step off my tip pal, i said i felt for the person as I can relate.
quote:
Nobody really understood why Somthor wrote:
step off my tip pal, i said i felt for the person as I can relate.
You can relate, but you don't need to belittle her own problems by saying off-handly that her story doesn't even compare to your own. Thats where the problem lies.
quote:
Katrinity obviously shouldn't have said:
You can relate, but you don't need to belittle her own problems by saying off-handly that her story doesn't even compare to your own. Thats where the problem lies.
Somthor, let me just say that if you troll Led's thread more I will be very annoyed.
And you should know that you're always welcome here. I'll always be here to make references to turrents in an attempt to tease you, but it's all for fun, s'cuz we're all friends here, right?
...what? That usually cheers most people up.
Hon you know we're only 30 minutes apart if you need someone to hang out and talk to.
One of the problems, however, is that acceptance, mourning, and coming to terms with who she was and who I am now... are just words to me. I am so far totally incapable of wrapping my mind around it. It is akin to staring at a difficult math problem, and you have no idea how to even begin solving it, or even the basics behind the math.
It shocks me every time I realize I cannot cry for my mother. At all. Hell I have ended up crying over fictional TV characters more than my mom. And that REALLY made me feel awful 
The abusive relationship my brother and I had with the asshole she 'loved' cannot help either. Day in and day out for twelve years, we were abused mentally and physically (well, not THAT way. But he smacked us around sometimes when he did not get his way), and all I could do is grin and bear it. For some screwed up reason, my mom really loved him. If he would have been removed, she would have been crushed So all my brother and I could do was grin and bear it.
I still have not forgiven her for allowing that fucker into our lives. I still have not forgiven the actual guy for screwing us over, either. Everyone I talk to about this tells me 'You have to forgive and let go, or they will control you for the rest of your life!' However... I cannot. I am completely incapable of forgiving anyone for doing something so... malicious. Hell I have a hard time talking to friends I have known for years after we get in arguments. If I were to forgive my moms jerkwad boyfriend, that would be like... admitting defeat. He did all that shit very much on purpose, and I am supposed to just say 'Oh, no worries!' Yeah... right... ¬_¬ I think the only way I will be able to get over him, is when I break all his bones with a baseball bat, then douse him in gasoline and set him on fire.
That is another thing I have never been able to forgive myself for either... I think I severely disappointed my mother. I think she wanted a daughter she could raise 'properly', someone she could relate to and have fun teaching me how to be a proper girl. But instead, because I pretty much had to raise my brother and myself, I turned into something almost completely opposite. I wear boots, have tattoos, one of the most un-feminine attitudes possible, and would not be caught dead in a dress. I even laugh like a guy 
So if I am unable to even wrap my head around the concept of 'letting her go', unable to forgive her for her choices in lovers, unable to forgive the moron she brought in, and unable to forgive myself for disappointing my mother...
Blegh. Now I am just rambling. I need to go make some breakfast. I am sorry if this stuff does not really make much sense... but it is honestly making me feel a lil better to finally get my feelings down.
This isn't a Flame Thread. While I agree he deserved the comments, rules are rules. LOG fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 04:31 PM.
</soapbox>
Edit: Wow typos. El Cuchillo fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 04:42 PM.
quote:
How.... Led.... uughhhhhh:
One of the problems, however, is that acceptance, mourning, and coming to terms with who she was and who I am now... are just words to me. I am so far totally incapable of wrapping my mind around it. It is akin to staring at a difficult math problem, and you have no idea how to even begin solving it, or even the basics behind the math.
That's what the grief counseling is there for, to teach you how to grieve as well as helping you through the process. You'll never fully recover from the pain, and that's totally normal. I still have days where i cry about my father, and it's been twelve years since he died.
It's apparent from what you're writing that you did love your mother, but you hated her for her boyfriend at the same time. There seem to be a lot of issues from the abuse that are just impossible to work on alone. Like a lot of other people have said in this thread, go in and see a counsilor. They provide someone to talk to and help you who cares, but is also "neutral" in the way that they're there to help you through the pain, not help you ignore the pain.
There's a MAJOR difference between forgiveness and appreciation.
By not forgiving your dad, you're making it hurt worse. And worse. It's like you're still waiting to be right about it. You're hanging on to something that you need to let go.
It's not easy, of course. But you need to realize that he did what he did, and that it happened. It's the past. While you didn't get the greatest hand in life, you have to make the best out of what you have.
You have to forgive. Or you'll just destroy yourself.
Find a counselor, or someone you can trust. Lenlalron Flameblaster fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 04:53 PM.
I forgave the asbestos companies a long time ago for causing the cancer that claimed my father's life; but that doesn't mean I won't fight tooth and nail getting every single penny I can out of those fucking bastards.
You always have EC to speak to, Led. Dozens upon dozens of people who care for you, and would gladly lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bitch at. Never forget that.
quote:
A sleep deprived Lenlalron Flameblaster stammered:
Wrong. You need to forgive him.There's a MAJOR difference between forgiveness and appreciation.
By not forgiving your dad, you're making it hurt worse. And worse. It's like you're still waiting to be right about it. You're hanging on to something that you need to let go.
It's not easy, of course. But you need to realize that he did what he did, and that it happened. It's the past. While you didn't get the greatest hand in life, you have to make the best out of what you have.
You have to forgive. Or you'll just destroy yourself.
Find a counselor, or someone you can trust.
I totally disagree. Like someone said above, if he hasn't ever come to her asking for forgiveness, he sure as hell doesn't deserve it. She can forget without forgiving. Some people don't deserve forgiveness.
I'm sure others can put it better than me but that is the best way I can express what I feel and think about this.
If I was straight, I'd envy Bajah.
I suck at cheering people up.
*hits the deck running*
quote:
Hugin stopped beating up furries long enough to write:
Forgiveness in many ways is not for the perpetrator. It is for the victim. It is one way of drawing a line in the sand between you and the past, freeing the grip the abuse and hurt still has on your mind. It is not about nullifying it or saying it doesn't matter. It is more like standing up and saying "Through this you have a hold on me and my life. Now you have it no more. I refuse to let you hurt me anymore with my past.".I'm sure others can put it better than me but that is the best way I can express what I feel and think about this.
Hugin said it perfectly. Forgiving him of this stuff isn't a "kiss and make up" forgiveness. It's a "You know what, you fucked me over hard before. But I've dealt with it now, and the hatred is gone. What's past is done and you can't hurt me anymore," thing.
It's really critical to release that hatred, otherwise the wounds the abuser gave you can never have a chance to heal and will always eat at you. Forgiving the damage done to you and moving on is the single hardest thing a person can do, but it's the biggest step towards healing that can be made.
[edit] Let me also add that your hatred isn't hurting him. It is only hurting you. People who enjoy power over others and like maliciously destroying people's lives are actually more hurt when they are ignored. Hugin fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 05:45 PM.
In regards to your mother, i just pulled up a few things about grief and grief counseling off WebMD. These are the sorts of things that going to grief therapy can help with.
quote:
Get the soap! Led just said:
But if I do not hate him, then what? It would be like saying it was all fine, he can go on keep doing it, everyone forgives him in the end! My hatred is all I have.
Hatred gives you comfort then?
If it doesn't than what the hell is it good for?
Don't forgive, just move on. Don't dwell on it. It doesn't help you and he probibly honestly doesn't give a fuck so it doesn't hurt him that you hate him. It doesn't mean you have to admit defeat, you don't have to admit anything. You just have to stop letting it hold you in a state of hatred, because you will never be able to be truely happy if you are kept there.
In fact, here is the entire grief article that was on WebMD. It encapsulates the above tidbits as well. Dr. Gee fucked around with this message on 05-11-2004 at 05:59 PM.
Tori is a great person to know and I feel especially enriched by knowing her. I hope she knows this, and she knows that if she needs to talk my IRC (and email) is always open for her, as it is with all the rest of you folks here too.
*hugs Tori*
