Therefore, this is an Advisory Thread. All you need do is ask your question, heading it with "Dear Wendell," and ending it with some clever, anonymous name, like: "Blue Booty in Britain".

Careers, relationships, life, family, women...I have the answers to all of them!

All those who wish advice but do not wish to have it brought to the attention of others please utilize the PM functions. Unless given an extremely high bid for the information, I will not break the confidentiality rule.

Now, let's hear your problems, dorks.

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And I was all like 'Oh yeah?' and Mr. Cookies was all like:
My pasta is too hot.

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Let it cool down.

It seems in an attempt to summon Cthulhu to do my homework for me, something went wrong. Oh, I summoned him good, but now he won't leave! He's drinking all the milk and struck the mailman mad. Last night I found him wearing my brother's tightie whities and watching Mad TV at four in the morning! I can't sleep without him having a nightmare and wanting to crawl into bed with me, and he ate all the Ferrero Rochers and brains in the house!
Any help would be appreciated!
Yours,
Sally Squidfetish.

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A sleep deprived Nicole stammered:
Dear Football... I mean, Wendell,

It seems in an attempt to summon Cthulhu to do my homework for me, something went wrong. Oh, I summoned him good, but now he won't leave! He's drinking all the milk and struck the mailman mad. Last night I found him wearing my brother's tightie whities and watching Mad TV at four in the morning! I can't sleep without him having a nightmare and wanting to crawl into bed with me, and he ate all the Ferrero Rochers and brains in the house!
Any help would be appreciated!
Yours,
Sally Squidfetish.

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You're Canadian. Nothing can help you.

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We were all impressed when Mr.Crabs Loves His Money wrote:
Dear Wendell,
I'm not gay or anything (not that there's anything wrong with that) but sometimes I feel sexually attracted to Frodo from the Lord of the Rings. What should I do? Should I act on my feelings and tell Frodo?
Sincerely, Legolas Greenleaf

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I have no real response to this, but it'll be funny to see how Drysart reacts.

Fire shoots out when I pee. What should I do?

Thanks,

Comrade "The Flame Thrower" Snoota

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Verily, Comrade Snoota doth proclaim:
Dear Wendell,

Fire shoots out when I pee. What should I do?

Thanks,

Comrade "The Flame Thrower" Snoota

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Two possible problems:

1) There is a dragon living in your penis.

2) You are drinking gasoline and lighting your urine.

Watch your penis as you go to the bathroom. Do you notice your hand holding a lighter near it? If so, remove it, and in the future, do not drink gasoline.

If it's a dragon, however, you need a miniature knight to go in there and slay it. That might be painful.

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^Moogle-plush-doll^ got all f'ed up on Angel Dust and wrote:
Dear Wendellupo,
Little Sally left me in the toy box. She doesn't play with me anymore. I think she's feeling like she's outgrown me...what should I do-po?
-Maddened Moogle

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If you don't have a vibrate function, you're dead to her.

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Nicole had this to say about Matthew Broderick:
Dear soon-to-be-dead Wendell,
OK, let's say I was working on a new spell. Not that I was, of course, but let's hypothesize. Now, let's say this spell was one in which I would create sentient men made out of steam that do my bidding for me. Not that I would, of course. But let's say I kinda screw it up and all the steam men explode and form a wandering, sentient, horrible cloud of asphyxiation that is right now converging on my location to strangle and kill the one who brought it to life. Uh, not that it is, of course. Now, what would I do to get rid of it?
Not that it's there, of course. Just curious.
Yours,
Steamy.

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What'd I tell you before? Canada can't be helped.

Im not Canadian. I demand help.

Once upon a time, I saw a cow dancing on the moon. Am I crazy or is there an explaination for that..?

Yours Truly,
Laughing Dog

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Praetor Liam wrote, obviously thinking too hard:
Im really hungry, but too lazy to make food!

Im not Canadian. I demand help.

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Order a pizza!

And to Laughing Dog: Yes. I suggest you consult Dr. Mortious, ph.D. There is no one more handsome or charming than he. Perhaps you could discuss it over dinner. I was paid to say this.

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Nobody really understood why Mr.Crabs Loves His Money wrote:
Dear Wendell,
I'm not gay or anything (not that there's anything wrong with that) but sometimes I feel sexually attracted to Frodo from the Lord of the Rings. What should I do? Should I act on my feelings and tell Frodo?
Sincerely, Legolas Greenleaf

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sweet

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A sleep deprived Drysart stammered:
sweet

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You have more problems than I can help with.

I have many problems. Where do I begin?

Thanks,

Just Another Asian

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Soldar stopped beating up furries long enough to write:
Dear Wendell,

I have many problems. Where do I begin?

Thanks,

Just Another Asian

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Probably at the beginning.

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Humble Parcelan's account was hax0red to write:
Probably at the beginning.

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Dear Wendell,

Can I start in the middle? The beginning sounds a lot like the end. And the middle sounds like the beginning.

Thanks,

Just Another Expendable Asian

Thanks for the idea of ordering a pizza. Dad bought me Wendy's. It's good.

What is the meaning of life?

-Your Next Bestest Friend.

Liam: You're welcome. May your fries be crisp.

Why does everyone use me as luggage?

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Everyone wondered WTF when Just Nwist wrote:
Dear Wendall,

What is the meaning of life?

-Your Next Bestest Friend.

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Depending on the time of day, either masturbation or go-karts.

I can't think of a good invention that'll set me on my way to riches. Your help is really needed here. It doesn't have to have any moral standards, just some ingenious little device that'll make Gate's toys seems as successful as Vanilla Coke.

Yours Truly,

Needdamoney (It's French!)

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Ryuujin had this to say about Cuba:
Dear Wendell,

Why does everyone use me as luggage?

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Fun and profit, I'd imagine.

I'm kinda small and green, how can I pick up chicks?

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This insanity brought to you by Rodent King:
Dear Wendel,

I can't think of a good invention that'll set me on my way to riches. Your help is really needed here. It doesn't have to have any moral standards, just some ingenious little device that'll make Gate's toys seems as successful as Vanilla Coke.

Yours Truly,

Needdamoney (It's French!)

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Dolls that squirt things out of their heads.

Ryuujin: Cop an attitude and ridicule those who oppose you with humor. Destroy your enemies and net chicks at the same time!

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Lee Taxx0r had this to say about the Spice Girls:
Dear Wendell,
How much wodd would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
- Almost a beaver in brooklin

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A wood chuck would chuck as much wood chuck as you're a fucking retard.

Fearfully yours,
Anonymous

I have two large furry things attacking my ankles. And on top of that, my house is on fire. I would like to escape, but I have forgotten how to unlock my window. Do you know if it would be possible for me to tunnel through my floor to safety?

The middle segment:
I have problems picking up chicks. They love my boyish charm, but hate my childishness. They also try their damnedest to not look at me.

Thanks,
Just Another Expendable Asian

CAN I MAKE A ROCK SO HEAVY THAT I CAN'T LIFT IT?

SINCERELY,
CONFUSED IN THE PLANE OF HATE

It seems I have a rather large zit coming in on my right nostril. That area of my nostril is kinda red and it hurts like fucking crazy. What can I do?

xoxoxo,
Susie Q

I am a dork. So, my plan to get chicks involves taking over the world, killing all other males, and making me the last man on earth, thus immune to rejection!

Is this a good plan?

Nekralt Avaane: You are undergoing what is called 'Natural Selection.' It would be a crime against nature for you to escape the burning building.

Soldar: Slowly mellow yourself out; it's tough, I know, but if you want dames you gotta slowly show that you're not all childishness and boyhood. Don't do it all at once, or they'll know something's up, just cut back a little.

And clean your shit up.

Innorruuk: As you are not the god of rock, you cannot. Tough beans.

Kloie: I had the same problem, oddly enough. I attacked it with a pair of tweezers and bled it dry like a vampire. This will leave your nose a little irritated for a little while, but the alternative is very irritated for quite some time.

Lenny: That's a terrible idea. Trust me, when they say: "not if you were the last man on earth!" they MEAN it!

I have absolutely no programs (Except for the ones that come with Windows) on this computer because I've competely filled it with porn. I do wish to download a sex game, but I have no room for it. I love the porn. I see it everyday. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Ima Addict