In Honor of Tomorrow's Release... - EverCrest Message Forums

Author

Topic: In Honor of Tomorrow's Release...

King Parcelan

Chicken of the Sea

posted 08-06-2002 12:09:23 AM

Slow, dramatic music begins to play across a black screen, as a feminine voice begins to speak.
"I feel it in the earth...I feel it in the water...I smell it in the air...no, wait, that's just my toast burning...but regardless!
"The winds of time are upon us...what we once had, we now lost...what was once...uhh..solid...is now all gelatinous and icky...what was once...oh, fuck it. Cue the title."
LORD OF THE THINGS
Fellowship of the Thing
"Yeah, so where was I? Okay, so once upon a time, there were these rings, you dig? The humans got nine of them, because there were too many of them. The dwarves got seven, because there were seven dwarves. The elves got three, because we were running out of Cracker Jack boxes by then, but there was ONE RING that was cooler than them all!
"This ring belonged to the Dark Lord: MAURADON! In to this ring, he poured his lust, his envy, and his will to ~~masturbate~~ DOMINATE!
"But he was thwarted, for the armies of the Free Nations of Middle-Earth rallied against him. It was the heir Isildur who blahblahblah.

"I'm not getting paid enough for this, so we're cutting right to the chase."

THE SHIRE, Sixty Years Later

The camera zooms in upon a stout little hobbit reading a book. He looks up as he hears some rather fruity singing coming from a distance.

Smiling like a little shit-eating twat, he hops up and runs towards the sound, to come across a wagon being driven by a cloaked man with a pointed hat.

Smirking, the hobbit puts his hands on his hips.

Vorbo Baggins: You're late.

Karnalf: A wizard is never late, Vorbo Baggins. He always arrives at exactly the time he means to.

Vorbo: Well, you wouldn't have to keep saying that if you'd fix your goddamned alarm clock.

Karnalf: Bite my ass, you hairy-footed goober. Where's your stupid uncle?

Fade in on a new setting: the inside of the house of an old Russian hobbit, busily making tea. He turns around and gasps at the appearance of the bearded, Dell Wizard.

Snootbo Baggins: Goodness gracious me, Karnalf! You seem to always sneak up on me when I'm unawares. If you weren't so wise and old, I could swear you liked watching me!

Karnalf: Yes...if I weren't so wise. Anyways, I am here on a trip for both business and pleasure, Snootbo.

Snootbo: ....the ring?

Karnalf: No, your mom's bra size. Of course the ring, you dipshit.

Snootbo: Already taken care of. Tonight, I plan to leave everything to Vorbo after the party. I love him just like...

Karnalf raises an eyebrow.

Snootbo: A son.

Karnalf: This is why I never visit you more often. It seems I'm always in danger of leaving without my heterosexuality intact.

Fade in on a lively party of hobbits, dancing and frolicking around like the little fuckers they are. Vorbo seems to be the life of the party, while a dejected hobbit sits, trying to enjoy his drinks.

Vorbo: Come on, Chalesmwise! Ask that fine hobbit broad for a dance!

Chalwise: I would, Vorbo, but...you know...

Vorbo: ....no, I don't.

Chalwise: I'm a little...different...like most hobbits.

Vorbo: Ohhhhh! You mean you can't dance!

Chalwise: ....yes, that must be it.

Vorbo: Well, don't worry about it. A lot of hobbits can't dance. Like Keggy Brandybuck and Blindin Took!

Chalwise: ...must...resist...urge...to point out...obviousness.

Vorbo: Well, anyways, here's my uncle to deliver some kind of bizarre speech!

Zoom in on a podium, where Snootbo Baggins stands up, ready to deliver a speech.

Snootbo: My friends, today, on my birthday! I am reminded of some of my favorite times with you! Happy times...sad times...

Random Hobbit: Is this another one of your goodbye posts?

Snootbo: ...well, you just made this decision a lot easier. And I bet you don't care if I ever come back!

Random Hobbit: Omg Hobbit Angst!

Snootbo growls and slips on a ring, and disappears! Several cries of "Fake! Fake!" arise from the crowd as he tramps off, INVISIBLY, towards his house.

He giggles slyly upon getting in, only to gasp in alarm as he finds a large, looming shadow towering over him.

Karnalf: You used that trick once before, Snootbo...

Snootbo: You still remember that? I said I was sorry, and I replaced your hat!

Karnalf: ...that wasn't what I was talking about, but the author is getting bored with all this talking, so give me the ring.

Snootbo: NEVER! It's MINE! MY OWN! MY PRRRRECIOOOUSSSS!

Karnalf: ....it's been called that before, but not by you.

Snootbo: It has?

Karnalf: Give me the ring, Snootbo.

Snootbo: Oh, I thought you were talking about my Commie hat. Sure, you can have the ring.

Time passes, and we fade back in as Vorbo Baggins charges in, looking for Snootbo.

Vorbo: Snootbo? Snootbo? Where are you, you fat little whore?!

Karnalf: He is gone, Vorbo...but not forgotten.

Vorbo: Karnalf! What are you doing over there sitting by the fire that I will take a seat next to and that I am describing like so because the author is too lazy to use the italics tag?

Karnalf: An ill wind blows through the land, Vorbo...a great shadow from Mordor is descending upon the land.

Vorbo: This is about the ring, isn't it?

Karnalf: ...well, thanks for ruining my ONE dramatic speech for this whole goddamned parody! How did you know?

Vorbo: All conflicts are about rings. Quests...Evil Shadows...Weddings...

Karnalf: Right, well, shut up and let me talk. See, the evil Lord Mauradon is trying to reclaim his ring, so that he may return to our world and wreak havoc upon it! Hold the ring, Vorbo, and tell me what you hear....

Vorbo holds the ring tenatively.

Vorbo: I hear...a dire voice...

Karnalf: Yes! What does it say?

Vorbo: Return...the ring...to...your mom.

Karnalf: ...I can't wait until the Balrog kills me.

Vorbo: Right, so, what do you want me to do about it?

Karnalf: You must travel to the land of Rivendell. The ring will be safe there.

Vorbo: Okay-...waaaaait. This isn't just a cheap trick to draw me into some crazy quest, is it?

Karnalf: What's the worst that could happen?

Vorbo: I could die.

Karnalf: Waah! Waaah! De po' widdle hawbbit is afwaid he'll die!

Vorbo: Stfu, you-

Karnalf: Wait. I hear something...the enemy may be close.

Karnalf reaches out the window and pulls in Chalwise, slamming him onto the table.

Karnalf: Chalesmwise Gamgee! I should've known! What did you hear?

Chalwise: Nothing! I swear!

Karnalf: Liar! Then why are you hear?

Chalwise: Because Snootbo hired me to cut the grass!

Karnalf: Hmm...the situation is more serious than I thought. You will have to accompany Vorbo.

Chalwise: What? No, seriously, I just cut gra-

Vorbo: Aw, c'mon, Chal! We never got to go on a road trip!

Chalwise: What roads?! We don't even have cars!

Karnalf: Then it's settled! You'll leave as soon as possible and meet me at the Prancing Pony! And beware of the enemy's agents...

Vorbo: Right. Anything else to beware of?

Karnalf: YES! Beware of getting sucked into two more movies after this! We couldn't handle it!

Cameras fade out.

TO BE CONTINUED...