It's so pimp.
(At least I get good gas mileage. =/ )
quote:
Taldir1 had this to say about Reading Rainbow:
Oh yeah and you guys might remember the original darkness:
Dead:
Damn I look super young in those pics.
Dekhyr Dargon's Guide to Sex with Cars (for males)
--------------------------------------------------
Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps.
'Having sex with a car'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to
mean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you
have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe.
The long answer is much more involved, including techniques,
precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from
screwing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe.
The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out.
So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus.
First we will deal with some cautions you should know about.
In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should
therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe.
If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short)
period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the
tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will
cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I call
screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot". Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once.
The exhaust from a car contains poisonous gases. One of these,
carbon monoxide, is a slow killer. Carbon monoxide takes a long time to
be flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels without
your knowing it.
Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on!
Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of the
tailpipe is usually coated with soot. This is the usual particulate debris
of combustion. Before having sex with the car, clean the inside of the
tailpipe with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mind
the possibly sharp edge of the tailpipe.
Now that the tailpipe is clean, you are ready to pleasure and be
pleasured by the car.
You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment.
The other way (which is much more rewarding) does.
The first way is to fuck the car 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffing
your cock into the tailpipe and thrusting. This would hurt (remember the
sharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the tailpipe doesn't flex.
What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off.
When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe of
the car, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must still
remember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the tailpipe is
good enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself.
Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the tailpipe
in the first place. Some tailpipes are too small, and then, well, you're
out of luck. Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe.
The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You
need the following equipment:
1 Dekhyr Dargon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.
If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr,
xdraco@panix.com) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is
essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter
is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated,
it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case,
it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.
To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie',
a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber
dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand
warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've
had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good
deal of them at a local discount-type store.
There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only been
able to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to get
through an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good with
tailpipes not much bigger than your cock.
Here is what you need to do:
1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily done
by wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head).
2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube.
3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left with
a slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight.
/------------\
\------------/
| | |
| | |
| | |
| cut^ |
| | |
| | |
\------------/
4. Now, carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until you
can put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the inner
circumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) than
the circumference of your shaft.
5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush.
Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in the
middle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tape
around the whole thing.
6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottom
of the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise from
the can, about 3/4" to 1" wide.
7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges from
cutting.
8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end:
attach here only
|
V ============ <- strip (curled upward a bit)
======
----------------------------
^ \
/ \ |
| | |
| | |
| | |
\ / |
V /
----------------------------
9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use oil-based
lubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and then
you'll be using a condom).
Now, stuff the SIU up the tailpipe and lube well.
You now have several options for fucking your car. One major one
is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park
and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and
forth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheels
well, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear -- the higher
the gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car to
rock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in.
You may not have any trouble with heavier manual transaxled cars,
since you may not have to chock the wheels -- the weight of the car will
prevent the engine from 'topping out' and moving the car away. Lighter
manual transaxled cars are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts,
so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the gear, the less
play, but the more difficult it is to top the engine out.
Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper body
under the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to make
the car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire.
I've also had some success leaning on my side and fucking the car
sideways.
More than one person can fuck a car if it has more than one
tailpipe on opposite sides of the car. This will also make the car rock
faster and harder since the energy of two people will add.
NEVER fuck a car with the engine on. Firstly, you will be breathing
hard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the car
will either stall (because there's something blocking the tailpipe, heh)
-- causing damage to the engine -- or will force the exhaust out. And
you have an idea where the exhaust will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City!
If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten or
fifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside. So you do not
have to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about,
though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if you
use an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom,
and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember -- oil
rots condoms, and so will an oil-based lubricant.
Enjoy your cars!
2001 Nissan Frontier, 4wd. That's a stock photo since I'm not picking it up til saturday, but it's the same year, model, and (sadly) color.
It actually gets better mileage than the Olds cutlass I was driving (22 highway when in 2wd compared to 20 for my cutlass), and it has an awesome interior. The best part is that I got it for two grand under bluebook, because fucking nobody wants a truck nowadays. The color may have had something to do with it, too. Maradon! fucked around with this message on 05-29-2008 at 08:49 PM.
I want a truck...
quote:
Azakias said:
That truck manages to look both surprised and cross-eyed at the same time.I want a truck...
I didn't see this until you pointed it out.
Now I can't stop laughing.
I'm easily amused.
quote:
And now, we sprinkle Maradon! liberally with Old Spice!
I just got this guy
2001 Nissan Frontier, 4wd. That's a stock photo since I'm not picking it up til saturday, but it's the same year, model, and (sadly) color.
It actually gets better mileage than the Olds cutlass I was driving (22 highway when in 2wd compared to 20 for my cutlass), and it has an awesome interior. The best part is that I got it for two grand under bluebook, because fucking nobody wants a truck nowadays. The color may have had something to do with it, too.
My dad has the exact same truck, though several years newer. Has lots of low-end grunt to it, even with the automatic.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith
quote:
Mortious enlisted the help of an infinite number of monkeys to write:
OMG 
Only ours is purple... PURPLE!!! 
With fucking Tinkerbell Seat covers, tinkerbell decalls, tinkerbell chrome decals, tinkerbell CD holders, tinkerbell steering wheel cover.
Which is why I drive this peice of shit...
Only uglier, blue, and windburned/rusted, and litterally falling apart (My door console litterally hangs out of the holder.)
Did all the designers get stuck in a time warp or something?
quote:
Mortious likes to say stupid stuff like:
American sportscars remind me of the 80's.Did all the designers get stuck in a time warp or something?
That camero was from the early 90s. The firebird from before was from the late 90s, but they hadn't updated the platform so the proportions were the same and kind of tied the designers hands.
Newer american sports cars are much better.
(designed in California, so American if you ask me.)
quote:
Mortious's ass must be crazy:
The second one isn't bad at all! I like it, the "old fashioned race car but actually quite a modern sportscar" look is in right now.
You've probably seen it's brother from a different mother.
Which wears another badge over there.
quote:
Taylen thought this was the Ricky Martin Fan Club Forum and wrote:
Yeah Opel or Vauxhall, which I think made the original design that both the saturn and the pontiac are based off of.
quote:
Blindy. wrote this stupid crap:
That camero was from the early 90s. The firebird from before was from the late 90s, but they hadn't updated the platform so the proportions were the same and kind of tied the designers hands.
No. The Camaro is a 97...
The Firebird shown earlier is from the 97-01 Firebird redesign in the Trans-Am package.
80's style America sportscars all looked like shit. Every last one of them, from the Mustang to the Corevette. Boxes on wheels.
The mid-to-late 90's muscle car revivals fell back more on thier early 70's counterparts. (With some exceptions.. omfg the ugly ass retarded Thunderbird...)
And I'm sorry... Any Corevette post 81 looks like shit. They lost all the sexy curves, and just about everything that gave it an even remotely unique look. It became styled just as any other generic sportscar. While the new remodel isn't gawd aweful bad as the 80's-90's versions, it in no way compares to the 65-81 era of Corevette style.
Oh, and FYI, the 99-01 Trans-Am (Like the one shown) was in most ways identical from a mechanical standpoint to the 99-07 Corevette (And its redesigns). It's frame and style was the only difference; and in most cases outperformed the Corevette.
I don't like Saturn...
Because I'm quite possibly gay. (Maybe not, but I still like the car.) Anklebiter, again. fucked around with this message on 05-31-2008 at 02:52 AM.
quote:
Faelynn LeAndris had this to say about pies:
No. The Camaro is a 97...The Firebird shown earlier is from the 97-01 Firebird redesign in the Trans-Am package.
80's style America sportscars all looked like shit. Every last one of them, from the Mustang to the Corevette. Boxes on wheels.
The mid-to-late 90's muscle car revivals fell back more on thier early 70's counterparts. (With some exceptions.. omfg the ugly ass retarded Thunderbird...)
And I'm sorry... Any Corevette post 81 looks like shit. They lost all the sexy curves, and just about everything that gave it an even remotely unique look. It became styled just as any other generic sportscar. While the new remodel isn't gawd aweful bad as the 80's-90's versions, it in no way compares to the 65-81 era of Corevette style.
Oh, and FYI, the 99-01 Trans-Am (Like the one shown) was in most ways identical from a mechanical standpoint to the 99-07 Corevette (And its redesigns). It's frame and style was the only difference; and in most cases outperformed the Corevette.
I don't like Saturn...
Your Camaro may have been a '97, but the 93-97 models were the first run of the 4th gen f-bodies. They got an overhaul in 98, you can tell by the headlights, the 98-02 camaroes have the bubble headlights, you have the older style ones. So while it was a 97, its still an early 90's camaro.
quote:
Faelynn LeAndris's opinion of themself must be pretty good:
No. The Camaro is a 97...The Firebird shown earlier is from the 97-01 Firebird redesign in the Trans-Am package.
80's style America sportscars all looked like shit. Every last one of them, from the Mustang to the Corevette. Boxes on wheels.
The mid-to-late 90's muscle car revivals fell back more on thier early 70's counterparts. (With some exceptions.. omfg the ugly ass retarded Thunderbird...)
And I'm sorry... Any Corevette post 81 looks like shit. They lost all the sexy curves, and just about everything that gave it an even remotely unique look. It became styled just as any other generic sportscar. While the new remodel isn't gawd aweful bad as the 80's-90's versions, it in no way compares to the 65-81 era of Corevette style.
Oh, and FYI, the 99-01 Trans-Am (Like the one shown) was in most ways identical from a mechanical standpoint to the 99-07 Corevette (And its redesigns). It's frame and style was the only difference; and in most cases outperformed the Corevette.
I don't like Saturn...
that might be a 97 model year camero, but the design is from the early 90's.
And Trans Am WS6, which I think you're refering to, weighs a quarter ton more than the than the corvette and has a much different frame and suspension.. You had much more room under the hood and a solid rear to hold more power, but aside from that, it was slower and handled worse. The newer C6 corvette has an entirely different suspension, engine, transmission, and, well, everything, and is vastly superior in every measurable respect to the WS6.
