"Ohhhh baby," he slowly began to sing, "you got the Uh...what? We got the Uh...what? Oh yeah...you smell real good baby...yeah...what'd...you take a shower or something? Maybe...you used some bath salts? Anyways...you smell like apricots..."
The Lazzicus stopped in place and cocked her head to the side, eyeing the bard warily. She was pacified, but had it truly worked? There was but one way to find out. He strummed his lute a final time and offered the beast a friendly smile.
With a savage roar and a stunning leap, the Lazzicus was upon Vorbis in a cloud of claws and girlish squeals. The great beast slammed the lad's face into the rubble and with mighty vigor began to kick him in his much-eyed bottom. Somewhere in the distance, more Jpop began to play.
The fight was on.
With a girlish howl, Vorbis reached up and began to tug the Lazzicus' hair furiously. The beast snarled and stuck a pair of her claws up his nostrils, giving him the appearance of a frightened piglet to accompany his squealing. Vorbis was no slouch, though, and quickly whirled about, engaging the beast in a spirited slap-fight!
With a mighty growl and a backhand, she sent Vorbis skidding across the rubble. As he lay, near-death, he suddenly felt a weight on his rear. His eyes widened in horror as he realized: she was about to prove her dominance in the pack.
*** LATER, BACK AT THE TEMPLE OF JA'POOP ***
Lashanna looked up, eyes wide and smiling as Vorbis staggered towards them, collapsing on the steps in a heap of rags and scratches, a book clutched in his hands.
"Sir Bard!" the scantily-clad elf cried out. "What happened?"
"She...she didn't stop," Vorbis panted out, "not until I she had tattooed 'Property of Lazzicus' on my ass...the horror...the horror."
"You did good, lad," Sir Snoota said, taking the Book of Sandwiches from Vorbis' grasp. "We have no time to waste. I shall construct the Sandwich of Ages and we shall be off."
"M'lord," the sage Ja'Deth said, slinking out of his temple. "One final challenge lay before you."
He pointed off in the distance, towards the black mountain of Bloodsage.
"There are two ways to enter the Warlock's mountain fortress," he continued, "you can climb the rock face and brave the angry spirit: Callalron, Man of the Mountain." He held up a finger. "Or, you can attempt to spelunk your way through the caverns below. Beware, though...for that is the realm of Led: Queen of the Bugbears."
Sir Snoota furrowed his brow in thought.
Oh snap! Which way should they go?
1: We shall brave the perils of Callalron's earthy rage! A-climbing we shall go!
2: We fear no Bugbears! Even those with bunny ears! To the caverns!
2
I see amazing humor in that path. *nodsnods*
It's not something people hear about.
yup. Call2win.
Old people rock.
Im Rick James, bitch!!!!
[ 01-09-2004: Message edited by: Gunslinger Moogle ]
Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop
quote:
Katrinity thought about the meaning of life:
2! I wanna see a bugbear go "NARF!"
And though she wore naught but a leather bikini, Lashanna trembled not from cold, but from fear.
"Sir knight," she whispered quietly, "perhaps we had better turn back. None have seen the Man of the Mountain and returned to tell the tale."
"She is right," Vorbis agreed, "the mighty Callalron has been challenged many times and never defeated! NEVER!"
"Nonsense," Sir Snoota said, riding tall in his saddle. "I fear no plain, swamp, island or mountain. Bloodsage's plague continues to ravage my land, and I must stop him today!"
The three looked up to the summit of the mountain where the rocky spires of the Warlock's castle towered imposingly in the air. No doubt their evil master still dwelled within, cackling fiendishly as his plague continued to do its evil deed. But he wouldn't be laughing for long, not after Sir Snoota whipped out the sandwich he wore at his belt. And if he still laughed, the knight may just well whip something else out...
Suddenly, the pig halted in its tracks and Sir Snoota's companions froze behind it. The knight glanced to his mount, then to his comrades, and then to the mountain trail, towards what made them all react in such a way.
Squatting in the middle of the trail sat a colossus of stone and dust. His craggy face bore two black, unblinking eyes and a stony beard. With a giant hand, he took a great keg from his side and drank it heartily. Afterwards, he let out a tremendous belch that shook the very mountain.
It was Callalron! The Man of the Mountain!
"He's horrible!" Sir Snoota cried out.
"Yeah?" Callalron asked, eyeing the knight. "Let's see how pretty you are with a colon made out of rock."
"Regardless," Sir Snoota said, rising up in his saddle. "We must pass, Man of the Mountain. We have business with Bloodsage."
"Lots of people do," Callalron said, "he does a lot of daytrading. I don't let anyone by, though."
"You pledge such loyalty to Bloodsage, eh?" Snoota asked.
"Nah," the man said, rumbling. "I just hate getting up."
"We must pass, Man of the Mountain!" Sir Snoota cried. "Now, move!"
"Make me," Callalron growled.
Sir Snoota eyed the immovable creature and thought...
What should Snoota do?
1: Fight Callalron! He looks pretty old!
2: Challenge him to a game of riddles!
3: Challenge him to a drinking contest!
4: Go back to the part about Lashanna shivering...and then choose something else.
So...
3!
Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop
So 1.
2
A drunken riddle game! 
Bum ba bummmmmmm!
