"OMFG", or "There's a mouse in the house"

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Topic: "OMFG", or "There's a mouse in the house"

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Drysart

Pancake

posted 10-27-2002 09:22:52 PM

So here I am, sitting at my computer, watching Dragonheart on TV, when I see a movement out of the corner of my eye.

That's odd, I think, as I look over to where I saw movement. Nothing there. Maybe I was just seeing things. But maybe not.

I got up to investigate further and saw a mouse, tucked up against the wall at the edge of the room, doing whatever it is mice do.

Since this little bastard wasn't paying his share of the rent, he was definately not welcome here, especially in my inner sanctum. As I began weighing my options on how to deal with my uninvited guest, a murderous rage overtook my sensibilities: THE MOUSE MUST DIE.

But how? I've never killed a mouse before. I definately didn't have any mousekilling guns handy or anything, and I couldn't go get any either since the mouse had decided to camp the exit of the computer room. It was as if he was threatening me. "You're not going anywhere," he seemed to say as he sat there in front of the door cleaning his whiskers, "I have you trapped. I know your intentions. It's either you or me."

Thinking quickly, I looked around the room for potential weapons. Not much really. All I have in here is my computer, my TV, all the CDs for my computer, and my game consoles. I briefly considered sliding a CD-ROM across the carpet at a high rate of speed, hopefully under the mouse, taking out his legs to immobilize him while I dashed around him out the door to find a more suitable weapon to finish the job.

Realizing that was probably a stupid idea, my eyes fell upon Exhibit A: The Murder Weapon. Heavy blunt objects that are small enough for me to throw: Game Controllers. Sizing up my options, I decided to pick one from my Playstation, since I wouldn't want mouse guts on a controller for a system I actually still play, so I grabbed a Playstation controller and faced my adversary.

This was going to be tricky... I'd only have one shot, and it was a long shot. I had to throw it fast and hard enough to kill, and my aim had to be true (very hard considering the mouse was nestled up at the bottom of the door, and the irregular shape of the controller) -- one bad throw and he doesn't get hit and he scurries off to plot his dastardly revenge on He-Who-Eats-Ham-Sandwiches.

I drew my arm back and took aim on the little demon, who seemed blissfully unaware of the upcoming attack. I had the element of surprise. Taking in a breath to hold and waiting to fire between beats of my heart, my arm snapped forward and the controller released from my hand....

DIRECT HIT! DIRECT HIT! The mouse never saw it coming... and comically enough, the force of the impact knocked him off his feet into the stereotypical dead mouse position:

Close examination revealed no mouse guts had escaped the mouse's body... in fact, there wasn't even any blood. Was my little invader just stunned? I decided not to wait to find out.

Taking the secret exit from my computer room (through the bathroom), I rushed to my garage to grab Piper's flyswatter, which she accidentally left behind when she left (I think fate played a part in this), and brought it back in. Like some sort of pallbearer on crack, I scooped up Squeaky on the flyswatter and prepared him for burial...

...AT SEA...

I couldn't take the chance that he might still be alive and come back for revenge some day. I've seen enough villians in movies to know that you never, never assume the hero is dead. Burial at sea was my only chance of being sure.

With the deft wrist-flicking abilities that only someone with as much experience viewing porn on the Internet as much as I do could have, Mickey went directly into what I had hoped would become the gateway to his final doom.

I said a short eulogy for him, which I will transcribe here:

quote:

DIE YOU LITTLE FUCKER

.. and just like that, the burial ceremony commenced.

..but wait. Something was wrong! RODENT'S REVENGE!

He didn't go down! Faced with the unenviable task of having to fish a wet, dead mouse out of the toilet, I crossed my fingers, said a prayer to Innoruuk, and pulled the handle again.

This time he wasn't so lucky. A flushing sound and a few seconds later, life in the Drysart household was returned to normal.

....or has it?