I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

Sign In Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled

Two guys are walking down the street, one turns and walks into a bar; the other ducked.

quote:

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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

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quote:

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Rodent King had this to say about Captain Planet:
I'm not sure if this has been posted already,(I didn't read the whole list of one-liners above.) But here goes:

Two guys are walking down the street, one turns and walks into a bar; the other ducked.

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I like this one too. Two guys walked into this bar, all others ducked.

"I have a one track mind. It goes in circles."

I = funniest.

quote:

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First Dragon had this to say about Pirotess:
Close only counts in two things. Horse shoes and hand grenades.

I = funniest.

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Actually, I made a personal modification to this shortly after I watched War Games.

Close only counts in THREE things, horse shoes, hand grenades, and thermo-nuclear weapons.

"I got some ass from her last night!"

"Man, the last time you got any ass was when your finger slipped off the toilet paper."

You're beginning to seem reasonable. Time to up the medication.

You're a real Action man. muscular, fearless, and have no genitals.

Come on, i know you like me, i can see your tail wagging!

And umm...

You suck.