We figured we'd go down to New Orleans
We were barrelling down old 17
When a man with a blinking red light
Was on our tail
He said you were doing 60 in a 45
But I'm gonna let you go this time
But if I catch you again
I'm gonna slap you in the county jail
We said thank you sir you sure been nice
And you ain't gonna have to tell us twice
And we were Southbound and down with the wind
Blowing in our faces
We kept on rolling and pretty soon
The radio was cooking out a Haggard tune
And we were pulling into Houston
Checking out all them places
I was feeling dry and I said I think
We ought to stop and get ourselves a drink
And old Jim said yeah 'cause we got time to kill
We kept on rolling and I seen this spot
And we pulled into the parking lot
Of this place called the Cloud Nine Bar and Grill
We walked through the door
And the place was jammed
The lights were low they had a punk rock band
And some orange haired feller singing about suicide
I said Jim this ain't our kind of place
He said well let's just have one round anyway
So against my better judgement we walked on inside
Went up to the bar and we sat down
This feller walked up and said I'll buy this round
And he sat down on the barstool next to Jim
He looked like a girl but he talked like a guy
He had lipstick on and mascara in his eyes
And everybody in that place looked just about like him
I said Jim this ain't our kind of bar
Let's just go on out and get back in the car
'Cause there's gonna be trouble
Ain't no sense in taking a chance
We was getting up getting ready to leave
When somebody grabbed old Jim by the sleeve
And this good looking girl was asking my buddy to dance
I said Jim don't do it there's something missing
There's fellers dancing and fellers kissing
There's a feller in high heeled shoes wearing panty hose
He said partner I just can't turn this down
You just go over there and have one more round
And I'll dance with the lady
And we'll get on down the road
So he walked away and left me alone
But this funny looking feller kept coming on
And he was making me mad with some of the things he said
Then he put his hand on my knee
I said if you don't get your paw off me
I'm gonna locate your nose around on the side of your head
He said I love it when you get that fire in your eye
I said well partner try this on for size
And I unloaded on him and he went out like a light
Everybody in that place must have been his friend
They all headed for me I said this is the end
But where I come from we don't give up
Without a fight
They were screaming and yelling and scratching and clawing
I was punching and hitting and kicking and pawing
I was holding my own 'cause I've been in a scrap or two
Old Jim come running up out of the blue
And that gal he was with come running up too
And proceeded to beat on me with a high heel shoe
I grabbed her by the hair it came off in my hand
And that beautiful girl was just a beautiful man
And old Jim just got sick right there on the floor
He dropped that dude like a shot from a gun
Smeared his lipstick made his makeup run
And me and old Jim started fighting our way to the door
We lit out of there in that Chevrolet
I put in on the floor and she stayed that way
We were going down the highway
Doing about a hundred and ten
We were headed for home and we was getting nearer
Then a red light came on the rear view mirror
And that same blame cop was pulling us over again
Well I'm sitting here in this county jail
I had to call my daddy to go our bail
But I learned me a lesson
That I never will forget again
I've done give up drinking I've give up bars
And running around the country in souped up cars
I'm going back where the women are women
And the men are men
Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
I've heard that before, Snoota. Makes me laugh every time
Lyinar Ka`Bael, Piney Fresh Druidess - Luclin
Now, we was sittin there suckin toothpick
and drink nighis and onion soup mix
And I say "Earl lets mail a card to mother
and then send them chicken on down 'tother side
ya, lets give em a ride
Well, Earl put down his bottle
and mashed his foot down on the throttle
and then a coupla tubes and a thousand cubes
of that 1498 Peterbuilt screamed alive,
we woke up them chickens
We raored up off of that shoulder
sparayin pine cones, rocks and boulders
and put 400 head of them rode island reds
and a coupla burnt out roosters on the line
Look out below, cause here we go
Well, we commenced a truckin'
and them hens commenced a cluckin'
then Earl took out a match, scratched his pants
And lit up the unused half of a dollar cigar, took a puff
He says "my, aint this pretty up here?"
I says "Earl this hill can spill us,
You better slow down or you gonna kill us
Make one mistake and its the peraly gates
for them 85 crates of USDA aprived cluckers.
You wanna hit second?"
Well, Earl grabed on the shifter
and he stabed her into 5th gear
and the comium-plated, fully aluminated
Genuine accesory shift nob came right off in his hand
I says "earl, yuo wanna screw that back on there?
He was tryin to thread it on there
when the fire fell off his cigar,
droped on down, sorta rolled around
burnt a hole in his sock,
ya, it sorta set him right on fire
I looked on out of the window
and started counting phone poles,
going by at the rate of 4 to the 7th power
Well, I put 2 and 2 together, added 12 and carried 5
Come up with 22,000 telephone poles an hour
I looked at Earl, and his eyes was wide
his lip was curled and his leg was fryed
and his hand was froze to the wheel
like a toung to a sled in the middel of a blizzard
I says "Earl, I'm not the type to complaine,
but the time has come for me to explaine
that if you don't apply some break real soon
they're gonna ahve to pick us up with a stick and a spoon"
Well, Earl reared back, cocked his leg
step down on the break, and the petel wentclear to the floor,
and sorta stayed right there on the floor
And he says "its sorta like stepin on a plum"
Well, from there on down it just wasn;t eral pretty
It was hairpin county and swichback sity
One of em looked like a can full of worms
Another looked like malaria germs
And right in the middle of the hole damed show
Was a real nice tunnle, now wouldn;t you know
The sigh said the clearance at the 12 foot line
but them chickens was stacked to 13'9.
Well, we shot that tunnel at 110
like gas though a funnel and eggs though a hen
We took that top row of chickens offSlicker than sum off a Louisana swamp
We went around and down, down and around
till we run outta ground at the edge of town
And bashed into the side of a feed store,
Down towne Pagosa Springs.
