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EverCrest Message Forums » EverCrest Forums » Innoruuk's House of Ill Repute » Joke contest thread
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Topic: Joke contest thread
Ghost of Forums Past
Pancake
posted 10-21-2009 11:38:08 AM
After two years of waiting in the queue, my car's title was finally processed and will be mailed to me shortly. I will finally own what I paid for.

In order to celebrate, I'm giving away a $50 and a $25 restaurant.com certificate in this thread.

Post your best joke. Whatever I deem funniest by the 25th will get the $50 certificate code. Second place will get a $25 certificate code.

edit/disclaimer: If everything is crap, you won't get the cash. So don't post just to get the cash, I'm looking for something funny.

Ghost of Forums Past fucked around with this message on 10-21-2009 at 12:30 PM.

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Karnaj
Road Warrior Queef
posted 10-21-2009 12:50:14 PM
How about a Halloween joke?

Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?
A: So they can get a tighter grip on the broom.

That's the American Dream: to make your life into something you can sell. - Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith



Beer.

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Number 1 Poster
posted 10-21-2009 12:51:47 PM
$50 please
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Azakias
Never wore the pants, thus still wields the power of unused (_|_)
posted 10-21-2009 07:44:35 PM
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

"Age by age have men stood up and said to the world, 'From what has come before me, I was forged, but I am new and greater than my forebears.' And so each man walks the world in ruin, abandoned and untried. Less than the whole of his being"
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Inferno-Spirit
Sports Advocate
posted 10-21-2009 08:04:30 PM
What's the best thing to come out of Auschwitz?

An empty train

"He lets the last Hungarian go, and he goes running. He waits until his wife and kids are in the ground and he goes after the rest of the mob. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they grew up in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. No one has ever seen him again. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. 'If you rat on your pop, Keyser Soze will get you.' And nobody really ever believes." - Roger 'Verbal' Kint, The Usual Suspects
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Monica
I've got an owie on my head :(
posted 10-21-2009 08:17:45 PM
What's the worst part about being a black Jew?

You gotta sit at the back of the oven.

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Inferno-Spirit
Sports Advocate
posted 10-21-2009 09:25:53 PM
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's Funeral?

Absolutely nothing

Inferno-Spirit fucked around with this message on 10-21-2009 at 09:26 PM.

"He lets the last Hungarian go, and he goes running. He waits until his wife and kids are in the ground and he goes after the rest of the mob. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they grew up in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. No one has ever seen him again. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. 'If you rat on your pop, Keyser Soze will get you.' And nobody really ever believes." - Roger 'Verbal' Kint, The Usual Suspects
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Blindy.
Suicide (Also: Gay.)
posted 10-21-2009 09:33:10 PM
That's what your dad said last night when I was fisting him.
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Gadani
U
posted 10-21-2009 11:13:28 PM
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other one?

See you next month!

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Razor
posted 10-21-2009 11:38:03 PM
One day, a not to religious man got on the bus. while on the bus, normially noone pays any attention anyone else, so the man was startled when someone spoke up to him. this man happened to be wearing all white and had a funny hat on, and had the Times opened to the crossword puzzle. "Excuse me sir, sir...."

The other man looks up and says "Ya what do you want ya holy hellion..... oh my..... oh by chance are you the holy father?"

Pope: "Why Yes, yes I am, but that's not what I'm hoping you could help me with... I can't quite get a word on this puzzle..."

Guy: "Why Sure holy father, I love crosswords. What's the clue?"

Pope: "What is a four letter word that ends in 'U' 'N' 'T'"

Guy: "Oh sure, that's easy, 'AUNT'"

A couple moments of uneasiness pass between the Pope and the man, the Pope then asks: "By chance do have an eraser?"

Astronomy is a passion...
Engineering is a love...
My job isn't a job, it's my career, and I love every minute of it: Observatory Superintendent
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Caid '5 Fists' Berrit
I've had a few beers but I'm cool to drive
posted 10-22-2009 12:48:42 AM
What do Hitler and Terry Fox have in common?

Neither could finish a race.

'But if I had a shotgun you know what I'd do?
I'd point that shit straight at the sky and shoot heavan on down for you'

Bradley Nowell
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Bloodsage
Heart Attack
posted 10-22-2009 01:03:30 PM
What's the difference between a flying circus and a whorehouse?

The circus is a cunning array of stunts.

To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.

--Satan, quoted by John Milton

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Sentow, I Guess
Pancake
posted 10-22-2009 02:26:38 PM
What's black and white and red all over?

A nun that got hit by a bus.

KIERKEGAARD

Sigpic shamelessly stolen from Kate Beaton.

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Bloodsage
Heart Attack
posted 10-22-2009 04:43:05 PM
How are tornados and hurricanes a lot like marriage?

They start off with a lot of blowing and sucking...but in the end you lose your house.

To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.

--Satan, quoted by John Milton

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Kaiote
Shot in the Face
posted 10-25-2009 10:15:19 PM
What's the difference between Heath Ledger, and Heath Ledger jokes?

Heath Ledger jokes get old.

Henry had been killed by a garden gnome.He had fallen off the roof onto that cheerful-looking figure. The gnome was made of concrete. Henry wasn't. - Dean Koontz, Velocity
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Ghost of Forums Past
Pancake
posted 10-26-2009 09:54:31 AM
Contest is now over and winners will be decided shortly. Feel free to post additional jokes for the sake of being funny alone.
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Tarquinn
Personally responsible for the decline of the American Dollar
posted 10-26-2009 10:22:15 AM
A ventirloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Rancher: This dog don't talk!

Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?

Dog: I'm Doing alright

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)

Dog: Yep.

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the
lake once a week to play.

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Rancher: Horses don't talk!

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Not bad.

Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)

Horse: Yep.

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?

Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!

~Never underestimate the power of a Dark Clown.
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Mr. Parcelan
posted 10-27-2009 12:39:06 AM
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

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Number 1 Poster
posted 10-27-2009 04:34:04 AM
I'm the winner, calling it now.
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Ghost of Forums Past
Pancake
posted 10-27-2009 09:14:53 AM
quote:
Fly Me To The Moon had this to say about Reading Rainbow:
I'm the winner, calling it now.

Winners were already contacted via PM.

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Number 1 Poster
posted 10-27-2009 06:46:10 PM
I didn't get mine I think you sent it to someone else by mistake
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