You're equipped with:
1 ball-point pen.
1 pencil
1 5-inch thick book of heavy-duty sudoku.
1 un-eaten fillet of contaminated fish
1 Cell phone
1 half-full can of coke (with a cup of ice)
1 laptop (with leather carrying case)
What do you do to survive? Manticore fucked around with this message on 11-15-2006 at 07:00 PM.
Just don't ask me why I have zombie porn on a travel laptop.
more importantly, i'm not sure i would want to even LAND the plane. I mean first off, there's obviously some sort of contaminant on the plane and I'd rather not spread this to a heavily traveled area, such as an airport. Equally as important, i'd run the risk of ramming into something else, which would cause more casualties than just my own plane.
no, I'd talk to the tower. I'd explain that there is some sort of contaminate on the plane akin to an extreme version of rabies. I'd say that I'd assume that the people who ate fish seem to be the only ones coming up with the symptoms, but I have no way to be sure. I'd explain that I have no flight experince, and that the entirety of the crew (I'm just assuming this is the case by your post) have been infected. I'd follow the tower's instructions to the letter. My responsibility would be to save the largest amount of human life (or more accurately, American life) possible. If the tower believes that veering the plane into the ocean is the best course of action, so be it. If they believe that I should try to risk a landing, I'd be glad to give it a try. I'd place my life in the hands of the tower. diadem fucked around with this message on 11-15-2006 at 08:06 PM.
Let's face it, that fish went on more than one plane. It's the end of the world. And if it's ending anyway, I want to cause it.
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How.... Almond.... uughhhhhh:
Open the emergency exit doors and hang on tight while zombies get sucked out and go bye bye.
At a cruising altitude the air pressure makes it impossible to actually open the doors in flight. Would be like trying to lift a bus.
sigpic courtesy of This Guy, original modified by me
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Everyone wondered WTF when Vorago wrote:
At a cruising altitude the air pressure makes it impossible to actually open the doors in flight. Would be like trying to lift a bus.
Nah, the emergency exit door opening mechanism is likely to move enough to blow the door off in flight.
And in any case, it would be easy enough to release the cabin pressurization wheel.
Then I'd eat.
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There was much rejoicing when Mr. Parcelan said this:
Go back to Something Awful forums where I read a scenario like this three weeks ago and everyone ignored it because ZOMBIE INVASION is boring.Then I'd eat.
I liked my last title better 
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So quoth Mr. Parcelan:
Go back to Something Awful forums where I read a scenario like this three weeks ago and everyone ignored it because ZOMBIE INVASION is boring.Then I'd eat.
"Zombie Invasion" ???
sigpic courtesy of This Guy, original modified by me
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DrPaintThinner was naked while typing this:
What the fuck is this. I'm not god damn MacGyver... I'm god damn Jack Bauer so I pull out my 9mm and ice those zombies.
you brought a nine on a plane?
Because this is an airplane you have several things to your advantage. The shape and design of the airplane creates natural choke points that limit the ability of the dead to attack from multiple directions. Second zombies being zombies those that still have their seatbelts on are non-threats so long as they are not in asle seats.
Now those who did not eat the fish need to be moved, mobilized, and armed. As we learned in Snakes on a Plane a fireaxe should be avaliable in the pilots cockpit. Federal regulations require that the captain wear his seatbelt when in the chair so he should be of minimal direct threat, but he should be killed first as his thrashing in the chair could damage the control panel which will be needed later. Those who ate the fish but have not yet turned should be disposed of next using their corpses and anything else we can find to block our choke point. Now we have our choke point, zombies in singles or pairs can easily be dispatched, withdrawing if they start to advance.
If all goes well all of the mobile undead should be delt with before it comes time to land the plane. Before counterattacking find out if any of the survivors has flight experience, radio experience, or engineering experience, keep them out of direct contact with the undead. If you are lucky you will have some sort of expertise to assist in landing the plane. If that fails, well get in the captain's chair and see if you can figure out how to work the radio. If you can figure out how to contact the tower let them know that some sort of illness has befallen the crew and cabin and you need assistance in landing the plane. Also mention that perhaps the CDC should be called so that no one else gets sick. Good luck landing the plane.
If you manage to land the plane your next challenege will be explaining all the corpses you brained. The undead still strappped into their seats should help some, but it is likely the law will still see you as a murderer. Luckly for you a prison is one of the safest places to be during a major outbreak which will almost certainly happen when the CDC botches the cleanup. Mr. Parcelan fucked around with this message on 11-16-2006 at 08:48 PM.
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How.... Tyewa Dawnsister.... uughhhhhh:
Large paragraph.
I read the zombie survival guide as well and I've got to say... You detailed basically the perfect plan. If you were to survive at all, that would be the best way to do it. Overall, your chances are pretty fucking slim since you are totally unprepared when you discover the outbreak. At that point in time it would be extremely difficult to rally anyone useful since there would be a panic once people started getting bitten.
Personally, assuming there IS a fire axe in the cockpit, I would go straight there, dispatch the pilot and immediately begin to kill everyone else. I would abuse the fact that the currently active zombies are feeding on the other passengers and kill them in mid-feed. I wouldn't really trust anyone unless I know for sure they are uncontaminated.
Overall, taking into account my personal skill set, I would probably die in this situation. Assuming the majority of the passengers ate the fish you've got a lot of killing on your hands. Swinging an axe around in a confined space isn't easy and will hinder your potential for accuracy, so it will probably take a couple swings before you manage to damage the brain enough for them to be fully "dead". I would be quite fatigued before the job is done. The only thing you really have going for you is the differences in the passengers' metabolisms; at least they wont all be turning at the same time. Goma fucked around with this message on 11-16-2006 at 10:51 PM.
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We were all impressed when Maradon! wrote:
If you're able to get into the cockpit, you're able to lock the cockpit. That reduces your work load down to 2 zombies.
Hypothetically, yes, but zombies are capable of "super-human" feats. By super-human I mean they do not possess a pain threshold and will mindlessly push their bodies to their physical limits, and if they discover that fresh meat is contained behind the cockpit door they will incessantly bash on it until either their limbs are broken and useless, or the door finally gives in.
If you're going to hide in the cockpit you better hope that no other zombies noticed your entry, so after you kill the pilot and co-pilot you will have to remain perfectly silent so as to not attract any attention.
Zombies are pretty fucking stupid. If they dont see or hear potential prey, they will just shuffle around aimlessly. They're not smart enough to go opening doors and looking in inconspicuous places.
I think its better to take your chances at killing all or most of them right away. Like I said in my previous post: Chances are you're going to fucking die anyways. No course of action makes you truly safe, only safer.
Unless of course you manage to kill everyone without getting bitten.
Which would a zombie rather do, try to bash down a door to get to some random douchebag who has locked himself on the other side, or try to eat another zombie that is within arm's length?
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Goma stopped staring at Deedlit long enough to write:
Personally, assuming there IS a fire axe in the cockpit
There is. Its behind the pilot's seat.
There are also six or more O2 bottles, and at least 4 fire extinguishers. You can get pretty creative with those. And there are at least 2 nitrogen bottles too.
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Williasing:
Wouldn't the zombies start eating each other?
No, they don't do that. Zombies, almost by definition, eat LIVING flesh. In no zombie movie that I have ever seen (and there have been many) have zombies ever eaten other zombies... including 28 days later, where it would have made perfect sense for them to do so.
On the note of zombie canon
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Peanut butter ass Shaq Goma booooze lime pole over bench lick:
Hypothetically, yes, but zombies are capable of "super-human" feats.
They're capable of super human feats of endurance, but in no zombie scenario that I have ever seen have the zombies ever been very strong - save maybe the Tyrants in Resident Evil, but those are a fairly non-standard case.
Anyway, their muscles are rotten and all but useless. That's why they shamble. Zombie strength is from numbers - literally. They all gang up and lift cars and shit, and without any room to gang up on the door, I doubt they'd stand much chance of opening it.
Furthermore, since 9/11 airplane cockpit doors are fairly heavily reinforced.
Scenario A, the happy, unrealistical one:
For some reason I'm fully alert, not reading a book or something and I am on an intercontinental flight or one inside of the US, and start acting immediatly. I hope that the air marshall is still conscious enough to give me a sign when I call him out, I rush over to him, try to get his gun, make my way to the cockpit as fast possible, dispose of the zombilots, using my leet skills I got from playing killer games for so long, barricade the cockpit and then land crash the plane immediatly, hoping to survive.
Scenario B, the short, likely one: Tarquinn fucked around with this message on 11-17-2006 at 02:04 AM.
I die horribly.
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diadem probably says this to all the girls:
you brought a nine on a plane?
We'll say I snuck on to get a recording back from the zombie pilot that would implicate the president in the former presidentÂ’s assassination. DrPaintThinner fucked around with this message on 11-17-2006 at 12:49 PM.
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Tarquinn wrote, obviously thinking too hard:
zombilots
Heh, love that term
Do one hell of a PLF xD
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Snoota spewed forth this undeniable truth:
This just in! Zombies aren't real and you're all fucking freaks.
You a real 'eavy boy
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Snoota had this to say about Cuba:
This just in! Zombies aren't real
OH REALLY
Why the fuck do you need a fire axe, or even a campfire hatchet.. on an airliner?
Start acting like a zombie. This will get the emaining "normals" out of my way as I ransack carryon luggage for smuggled on lighters. It ALWAYS happens. So finding one should be simple enough.
Make my way to the snack cart. Obtain 2 cans diet coke or Fresca. These are always left over, and will be in ample supply. Remove both socks, and replace shoes. Drop a can of soda in either sock, and tie two knots in each sock. one right behind the can of soda,and one at the end of the tube. Now, you know you can't be going all bruce lee with the Coke-Chucks here. Think more Braveheart.
First thing you do, is take out one of the normals. this is an easy kill with one good sock-flail to the base of the neck. KERPOW! This body is now not only an obstacle, but a potential buffet style zombie distraction.
Find the air marshall. He's gonna be one of the normals,because he knew to eat before getting on the plane. And since he flies all the time, I know he has been through this shit before. Make sure he knows you're not a zombie, and tell him you have a plan. All you need is to get to the cockpit. When he turns aound to look to see how far the cockpit is..
KERPOW!. Sock-Flail that motherfucker. Root through his stuff, and loot the pistol. Now, you have limited ammo, but you also have the undivided attention of the rest of the normals.
Help yourself to the refreshment cart in first class. Cognac from the mini-bottle. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop drinking.
Tell the rest of the people who are not yet zombified to organize themselves. They shall form a barrier between the forsaken and myself, while I find myself a way into the cockpit. I tell the normals I am a trained pilot, and will land as softly as possible.
I take that plane into the side of a mountain at full throttle.
I have a high school named after me.
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Kaiote had this to say about Punky Brewster:
Why the fuck do you need a fire axe, or even a campfire hatchet.. on an airliner?
In the publication that comes along with the aircraft, it is called a fire-axe. If you make a crash landing and there is debris in the way, or for some reason the doors wont open, you can use the axe to hack your way out of the wreckage.
And just to further lay your mind to rest, the fuselage of most aircraft is made of either aluminum, fiberglass, or high-grade plastics.
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Snoota had this to say about Cuba:
This just in! Zombies aren't real and you're all fucking freaks.
Nor is wrestling. 
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Kaiote sent this coded message via a team of nanites:
[QB][/QB]
On the one hand, I really don't know if acting like a zombie is such a good idea.
On the other, killing the sky marshal with coke-chucks at least ensures you won't have to listen to him gurgling for two whole episodes...just be sure to do it right, so that someone else doesn't have to cover your stupid butt, Sawyer.
Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop
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There was much rejoicing when DrPaintThinner said this:
We'll say I snuck on to get a recording back from the zombie pilot that would implicate the president in the former presidentÂ’s assassination.
Be careful. The current president knows you're on the plane, and he's planning on shooting the thing down.
