1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
>boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
>instantly removed.
>
>2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
>someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
>3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
>simply using the sink.
>
>4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
>a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
>use a timer.
>
>5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
>from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
>button.
>
>6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
>will be afraid to cough.
>
>7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
>forget about the toothache.
>
>Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
>
>You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
>If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
>If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
>
>Remember:
>
>Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
>Never pass up a chance to pee, and never underestimate a fart.
>
>If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
>
>And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
>when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
>

"If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance." is always a good mentality

It's an amazing lack of effort when you don't even remove the indentations from a millionth-forwarded list of the same bad jokes.

D fucked around with this message on 06-11-2005 at 12:06 PM.