So today I was in the car with her and the subject came up again. She said she really wanted to tell me but she couldnt get it out, she said she never told anyone before and she just couldnt say it. I gave her a kiss and again told her that was fine. Earlier tonight when I called her, she said she sent me an email explaining everything. She didnt want me to read it while I was on the phone with her so I waited til I got off. It turns out her previous boyfriend raped her. More than once.
He was also a major control freak. He literally controlled pretty much every aspect of her life, who she hung out with, how long she worked, what she wore, what she ate. She says she doesnt know why she put up with it. I dont really understand it. Its obvious that she had some serious self worth problems and probably still does. She broke up with him only six months ago.
Its kind of overwhelming and I feel like I need help talking to her about it. I want to help her feel better about it and I just want to help her in any way I can. I dont know what to tell her. I dont want to say something stupid and make her feel even worse about it. I really just dont know what to say to her. How am I supposed to respond to the things shes told me? She obviously trusts me a lot to tell me about this, Im the only one shes ever told, and I dont want to make her feel like she cant trust me by saying something I shouldnt.
I guess all Im asking is... What do I do? 
P.S. This is serious, and I know some people on these forums can be real sarcastic, assish, and immature when it comes to topics like this. I would really appreciate it if those people didnt post.
She's been hurt and doesn't want to happen again, seems almost obvious that you shouldn't pressure her at all. Just be as good of a boyfriend as you can be, and she may start to cling to you. (After being with someone like the other guy) If you try to presure her at all, she'll panic and you'll be dropped.
That's my two cents.
Callalron fucked around with this message on 10-22-2004 at 11:19 PM.
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And I was all like 'Oh yeah?' and Callalron was all like:
Steering her towards some professional help would be a big first step. It's great that you're understanding and that you're willing to be there for her, but this one of things that really requires the deft touch of a professional therapist to work things out fully.
Letting her know that you told a bunch of people ont he internet would also be a bad thing.
So, seek professional help.
Hope it all turns out well, at least she has someone genuinely caring like yourself. You seem to be handling this well, and that's all the more respect to ya.
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Callalron's account was hax0red to write:
Steering her towards some professional help would be a big first step. It's great that you're understanding and that you're willing to be there for her, but this is one of those things that really requires the deft touch of a professional therapist to work things out fully.
Personally, as a woman that was raped by exes, I don't feel like a victim, I think the rapists were sick in the head and treated me in a way that I didn't deserve. I really pity them for thinking that that is the way to treat a person.
She needs to talk to a pro at these things, get it off her chest. Being silent about it doesn't help her. I hope you two can get her the help she deserves.
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There are a lot of support groups for people who are victims of sexual abuse and rape. I'd try to find some in the area. They are very good about secrecy, allowing people to deal with it without outside pressure. They also have good working relationships with local police departments, and usually either have therapists or counselors on staff, or have recommendations.Hope it all turns out well, at least she has someone genuinely caring like yourself. You seem to be handling this well, and that's all the more respect to ya.
quote:
Steering her towards some professional help would be a big first step. It's great that you're understanding and that you're willing to be there for her, but this is one of those things that really requires the deft touch of a professional therapist to work things out fully.
Couldn't say it better myself. Folks like you allow me to have a little more faith in humanity.
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of Java the thoughts aquire speed, the teeth acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
She leaned on him so hard that he had to lean on me. If you love her, then you need to be there for her, and find people to be there for you, because it wasn't easy, even for me.
I'd say not to push the issue, not to try to "fix" her. Just be there for her, love her, care for her, and have the patience of a saint. She'll eventually open up to you, but it'll be a long time before she feels she can trust anyone. You just have to keep being there, and when she wants to deal with the deamons from her past, she will.
No, Really. Bite me.
She doesn't want "professional help", what she needs is Puggy to support her in any way he can, she will eventually open up, once she does everything will be ok. Now though, you really have a lot to deal with and you have the responsibility to undo the damage that had been bestowed upon her. The image of what a boyfriend is, and how a relationship should be is skewed, you have a lot to remedy Puggy... I sincerely hope you have the patience and understanding to help her.
Rape is a serious offence, when she does talk to you about it (or if you know who the guy is), persuade her to become stronger, and grow from this. LEt the image of what he is be clear to her. In time your girlfriend will look upon him and yes, maybe still feel sick... or maybe she will overlook him. She can grow stronger.
She will, all in time.
Time heals all wounds, there will always be a scar. The battle was lost for her, and it's really unfortunate, but she can still win the war. Give her time, it will all come out slowly. Trust me, and let her know she can trust you.
Not saying that you should start doubting her every word but don't challenge that guy to a duel at high noon just yet, get her some professional help as people said, etc. Mod fucked around with this message on 10-23-2004 at 03:08 AM.
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Arttemis probably says this to all the girls:
I'd say "kill him" and be totally serious, but that would probably be frowned upon.
Weird, that's the first thing that went through my head, too.
If you think it's serious enough to warrant professional help, suggest that. Most insurance plans don't cover mental health, though, and personal therapists are fucking expensive, so she may simply be unable to do so.
Time heals all wounds. Give her a bit to warm up. Don't talk about the sexual things she doesn't want to, ever, but be playful when you're together, don't let her forget that you still want those things. Talking and outright asking can seem too much like forcing.
I also second the notion that she may be blowing everything out of proportion. She may be treating you like a rebound guy, using you for companionship and comfort but not wanting to do anything "serious" with you. If this turns out to be the case, slap the bitch and leave her on the side of the road, literally if possible.
Really only you can gauge the situation though.
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Maradon! wrote this then went back to looking for porn:
Weird, that's the first thing that went through my head, too.If you think it's serious enough to warrant professional help, suggest that. Most insurance plans don't cover mental health, though, and personal therapists are fucking expensive, so she may simply be unable to do so.
Time heals all wounds. Give her a bit to warm up. Don't talk about the sexual things she doesn't want to, ever, but be playful when you're together, don't let her forget that you still want those things. Talking and outright asking can seem too much like forcing.
I also second the notion that she may be blowing everything out of proportion. She may be treating you like a rebound guy, using you for companionship and comfort but not wanting to do anything "serious" with you. If this turns out to be the case, slap the bitch and leave her on the side of the road, literally if possible.
Really only you can gauge the situation though.
bzzzt wrong, being the rebound guy is awesome if you know you're the rebound guy.
You get to have a full on passionate relationship scaled down to a short time frame.
My last stint as a rebound boyfriend lasted a month, and shit money was it awesome.
If you think you're a rebound boyfriend, accept it, be that rebound boyfriend, but when it comes time to let it go, man let it go. 
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The logic train ran off the tracks when Nike said:
She doesn't want "professional help", what she needs is Puggy to support her in any way he can, she will eventually open up, once she does everything will be ok. Now though, you really have a lot to deal with and you have the responsibility to undo the damage that had been bestowed upon her. The image of what a boyfriend is, and how a relationship should be is skewed, you have a lot to remedy Puggy... I sincerely hope you have the patience and understanding to help her.
Sorry Nike. Puggy has no responsibility to help his girlfriend with her healing. That is her cross to bear and her responsibility to heal. It's up to no one else to take that cross or responsibility away from her. Otherwise, she'll never get over it. However, Puggy can and should encourage his girlfriend to seek professional help from people who have the knowledge and experience to help her heal appropriately.
If this becomes a serious, talking about marriage or living together relationship, then both parties should be involved in joint counseling to determine how best to cope with any issues, including sexual, related to her past history.
It's also important for her to tackle this issue now, before this negative experience causes her to develop bad habits and attitudes that will affect all future relationships she has.
EDIT: Just checked Puggy's User Info. Puggy's 16 years old!
I would add that Puggy should encourage his girlfriend to tell her parents what happened. He can offer to be with her when she tells them if she needs his strength. However, if her parents are apathetic, then she needs to go to the school counselor or a pastor. This trauma (even if only in her head), if left unresolved and unexamined, WILL have a tremendous impact on her future relationships and must be resolved professionally and not by lay psychologists. Vernaltemptress fucked around with this message on 10-23-2004 at 04:17 AM.
We talked about it last night and I showed her the LJ entry and she read some of it and read a lot more when she got home. I let her know that I can only help her so much, that she needs to get some professional help if she wants to heal herself as much as she can. It is possible that shes not telling the truth about all this, but I doubt it. Ive known her for a couple years and I dont think she'd do that. Plus, I know her ex-boyfriend and well... he's a pretty "angry" person. Shes told me that shes already done the rebound thing, she had a few small flings soon after they broke up but they didnt go anywhere.Again thanks for the advice everyone, especially Nae for linking me that LJ, I think reading that is going to help her a lot.
