The adventure begins on the Trade Way, a twisting road leading to the village of Waypork. Traipsing down this particular path are five adventurers, each following the rumors of adventure in the port city of Balderdash's Gate.
Leading the pack is the noble, fair-haired cleric of Helm: LeMiere, with fashion sense and religious experience, he packs his mace and shield at his side. Since technically, he's supposed to be a female, we'll just refer to him as 'her.' Towering behind him her is the tremendouse northern barbarian: Kagrama Redbear, carrying his axe and blade.
Bringing up the middle is the customary scantily-clad dark elf monk: Lashanna. Toddling behind her is the greedy dwarven rogue: Bajah "Goldhand" Fatass, toting his crossbow and hungry for treasure.
And as the moody, mysterious spellcaster that sounds like a girl: there's Batty, the Elven Necromancer, carrying a big black textbook. How mysterious!
LeMiere: So, friends, what brings you to Balderdash's Gate? I myself, seek to serve my deity so that he may some day rid me of this terrible curse called 'Herpes.'
Kagrama: WHAET HO!?? i aem hear for the ADVNETUATR! withh my DUELLE WIELDANG i shall becaome the COOLEAST OF the ADVENTURARS!
Lashanna: I was ousted from my home in the Underdark by a sexual scandal involving the High Priestess of Lolth, baby oil and a monkey political treachery. I seek to gain power to reclaim my place as the rightful heir of my family.
Bajah: Yar...I seek treasure to pay the fee to have my last name legally changed from 'Fatass' to 'McThievery.'
Batty: I'm just here to fill out the role of 'mysterious, possibly crazy spellcaster.'
LeMiere: Well, that's good enough for an exposition, let's start our first adventur-OH MY GOD, SOMEONE IS IN NEED OF HEALING OVER THERE!
Standing amidst the rubble of a torched caravan wagon surrounded by the corpses of guards and goblins is a caravan guard...a Canadian caravan guard...wearing a leather brassiere. He looks up at the adventurers and hails them with his sword.
Liam: Ho there, adventurers, lend an ear! I am Liam, crossdressing guard of the caravan! We were attacked, but luckily I managed to fight my way out of it unharm-
Kagrama: WHAET HO!?!
With a mighty swing, Kagrama brings the flat of his blade against the head of Liam, knocking out several teeth.
Kagrama: the EXPAEIRIANCE SI MINE! LEVAL UP?!
LeMiere: Hold your mighty rage, Kagrama Redbear! I do not think this caravan guard means us harm!
Liam: Yeah, no shit. Are you the brains of this fucking outfit?
LeMiere: Indeed. I am the leader: LeMiere, Priestess of Helm. You have already met our barbarian: Kagrama.
Kagrama: MEARRRY MEAT!
LeMiere: As you were saying? You were attacked?
Liam: Yeah. A bunch of the Red-dang Marauders attacked us then split up. Some of them retreated to their lair in the Trollfart Forest, while the others went on to attack the village of Waypork. They mean to sack it! Or burn it! Or perhaps involve it in some reality show-type interior decorating television special...but that last part isn't too likely.
LeMiere: Zounds! Heretics to cleanse!
Bajah: Treasure to be had!
Lashanna: Power to be gained!
Batty: Opportunities to be moody and brooding!
Kagrama: WHAET HO?!?!
Kagrama smacks his axe against Liam once more, knocking him out cold.
LeMiere: Very well. We shall split up and follow these Red-dang Marauders! Kagrama and Bajah, you shall follow them to their lair in the Trollfart Forest. Lashanna, you and I shall follow them to Waypork, where we shall save the villagers! Batty, you will follow us so you can use your dark powers and possibly have a chance to look mysterious!
Batty: Woohoo...I mean...indeed.
LeMiere: Very well. We shall be off!
There is no time to lose! The adventurers must hurry if they wish to save the hapless villagers! What of the prisoners in the Trollfart Forest? Will the village of Waypork be saved? Is Batty truly mysterious or a mere poser? Will Lashanna show off some monkly moves in her fashionably medieval sports bra? Will Bajah's lawsuit against McGoblin's for making him morbidly obese go through?!?
Find out, in Chapter Two.
quote:
Bajah: Yar...I seek treasure to pay the fee to have my last name legally changed from 'Fatass' to 'McThievery.'
quote:
Batty: Woohoo...I mean...indeed.
*snicker*
Comedy gold! Instant 5! Take 20 on Humour check!
It's not something people hear about.
I'm so totally typecast.
Good story, Parce, 
quote:
Lashanna was naked while typing this:
I'm so totally typecast.
Good story, Parce,
Yes but you wield the (_|_) so well. 
Deep in the bowels of the Trollfart caverns, a trail of dismembered goblin, bat and spider corpses leads down the twisting path of stone and stalagmites, a road of blood and organs weaving its way between the various constructs.
Echoing from the black depths, disturbing noises can be heard. The fell howls of worgs...the warcries of enraged goblins...and the boisterous bellows of a certain barbarian.
Kagrama: WHAET HO!>?!?
With a mighty swing of his axe, Kagrama lops off yet another goblin's head and sends it flying into a nearby wall. The portly dwarf lingers behind, sighing deeply as he collects the treasure left behind by the barbarian's killing spree.
Bajah: C'mon now, Kagrama. Surely ye can let me slay a goblin or two. I mean, ye've already killed the entire tribe without me even liftin' a finger!
Kagrama: OH YAES?! Well yuo aer getitntg the TREAUASRE PANTS AER YUO NOT?!/!
Bajah: Aye, but I'm not gettin' any experience! What'm I supposed to do?
Kagrama: Yuo muset do what yuor claess dowes BAEST!!
Bajah: By Abbathor, I keep telling ye that rogues don't do that sort of thing!
Kagrama: WHAET HO?!?!
Bajah: Aw, come on...don't make me do it.
Kagrama: i belieive i saied WHAET HO?!?! do yuo maek me reaepat myself mistar?!?
Bajah: Fine...fine...
Bajah sighs deeply and produces a boombox from his backpack. Hitting a button, he begins to play "I Like Big Butts" as his burly companion continues to cleave his way down the cavern, rending asunder all goblins before him.
Bajah: I'm supposed to be sneaking and stuff, not playing phat tunes for your killing spree.
Kagrama: SHHHHHHHHUET UP my FATTAEY freidn for we aer aebout to fighet the CHAIEF of the GOBBOLINS!
Crawling out from a nearby cavern comes a particularly whiny-looking goblin riding an underfed spider and gripping a great spear in his shriveled claw.
Zeke-Tooth: Oho, adventurers! You have come to put an end to my villainous ways, eh?
Kagrama: YAES INADEAD GOBBLION! yuo aer the HAEM SANWDICH of EVAIL and we aer the HUNGERY HUNAGRY HIPPOES OF JUSTACE!
Zeke-Tooth: ...what?
Bajah: We're going ta kick yer arse!
Zeke-Tooth: It will take more than boasts and boomboxes to defeat me, adventurers! For too long have you humans and dwarves held me underfoot with your natural humor and talent, forcing me to make up ridiculous things like fighting vampires and getting married to Chinese immigrants! But once I defeat you, I will have ALL THE ATTENTION I CRAVE! BWA HA HA HA!
Kagrama: ...
Bajah: ...
Zeke-Tooth: Careful what you say! I have...uh...super powers! Beware! Bewaaaaaare!
Kagrama: WHAET HO!?!?
With a mighty smack of his axe, Kagrama unseats Zeke-Tooth and squashes his spider underfoot.
Zeke-Tooth: AAIIIIEEEE! DON'T KILL ME! I HAVE A WIFE AND...uh...THREE IRAQI CHILDREN...DIRECTLY RELATED TO THE POPE...and...I HAVE A ROBOT!
With a final swing of his blade, Kagrama puts an end to the goblin and his outrageous tales.
Kagrama: AEND nowe TO REASCUE the CARANAVA MASTOR!!
The two adventurers rampage through the remainder of the goblin chieftain's lair and stumble upon a cell. With a mighty kick, Kagrama sunders the door while Bajah sits there and looks chubby. Upon the other side, our heroes discover a rather apathetic-looking woman clad in the garments of a merchant.
Kagrama: GREATINGS YE FAEIR LAEDY! mieght yae taell us WHAER the CARAZY PRISONAERS are!
Terena: ...what?
Kagrama: oh hoe we have a sloew one here! paerhaeps her INTELLAGIENCE scoer si NOT UP TOO PAER!
Terena: ...uhhh...
Bajah: What my companion means to say, m'lady, is that we've come all this way to rescue ye...and for dollar margaritas.
Terena: Oh...well, alright. Thanks...I guess? Anyways, what happened to the rest of my caravan, are they alright?
Kagrama: DOE NOET FAERE, MY LAEDY! i raelized taht the suppoesed "caeravain" were seucretlay the DOPELGANGORS aend i maed SHOWERT WOERK of their TREACHARY!!
Terena: Great. You killed my caravan and destroyed my business. I guess I really have a reason to live now.
Bajah: Ah, ah! Remember your etiquette! Ye can't commit suicide until AFTER ye rewards us.
Terena: Uh huh...well, I'll do all that after we get to Waypork. Maybe they sell a noose or something there...
Bajah: If ye don't mind me asking, m'lady, what are ye supposed to be besides a merchant, anyways?
Terena: I'm the upbeat and cheerful bard.
Bajah: ...
Terena: ...
Kagrama: WHAET HO!?!
And so, with their bright and sunny friend rescued, the adventurers and Terena make their way out of the goblin lair and towards the village of Waypork. But how do their companions fare? Has Lashanna given in to the futility of ever hoping to be something other than the sarcastic, half-naked broad in these parodies? Has LeMiere accepted his fate as a quasi-female? Is Batty still moody or did he suddenly brighten his day by finding a harpsichord?
Find out in Chapter Three!
quote:
King Parcelan had this to say about Reading Rainbow:
Bajah: By Abbathor...
WHAET HO!?!
I'm a goddess now??
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
quote:
A sleep deprived King Parcelan stammered:
Batty: Woohoo...I mean...indeed.
I laughed way too hard at this. Mostly because of the indeed.
quote:
Abbikat painfully thought these words up:
WHAET HO!?!
I'm a goddess now??
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Welcome to the fold ^.^
quote:
This insanity brought to you by King Parcelan:
Zeke-Tooth: AAIIIIEEEE! DON'T KILL ME! I HAVE A WIFE AND...uh...THREE IRAQI CHILDREN...DIRECTLY RELATED TO THE POPE...and...I HAVE A ROBOT![/i]
wah waaaahp.
Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop
quote:
Nobody really understood why King Parcelan wrote:
Chapter Two!Kagrama: i belieive i saied WHAET HO?!?! do yuo maek me reaepat myself mistar?!?
Kagrama: YAES INADEAD GOBBLION! yuo aer the HAEM SANWDICH of EVAIL and we aer the HUNGERY HUNAGRY HIPPOES OF JUSTACE![/i]
I laff!!!
quote:
We were all impressed when Rebel Nae wrote:
I laff!!!
*snickers* Ditto
quote:
And I was all like 'Oh yeah?' and Batty was all like:
I laughed way too hard at this. Mostly because of the indeed.
But indeed is indeed my schtick. Indeed 
WHAET HO!??
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith
quote:
Niklas had this to say about Cuba:
But indeed is indeed my schtick. Indeed
Indeed was my word before you were even ALIVE.
As our friends in the Trollfart Forest eagerly make their way out into the waiting daylight, our other companions are engaged in a fierce battle in the village of Waypork.
Amidst the burnt homes and sundered rubble, a pile of goblin corpses dominates the middle of the road, showing clearly the efforts of the heroes. As LeMiere hoists a badly-beaten goblin corpse onto the pile, she dusts off her hands and breathes a sigh of relief.
LeMiere: Well, the hostages were saved and the goblin raiders have been defeated. I suppose now we should divide up the loot!
Batty: I get forty percent.
LeMiere: Forty percent?! You didn't even help during the battle!
Batty: I know. I couldn't. It would ruin my aura of mystere.
LeMiere: Well, why did you kick me in the butt everytime I bent over to pick up something? Wouldn't that ruin your aura of mystere?
Batty: ...no.
Lashanna: He never kicks me in the butt ^_^
LeMiere: Okay. First of all, no dark elf can make that face. There's a law against it or something. Secondly, I've seen what he does when you bend over. It's worse.
Lashanna: -_-
Batty: Anyways, didn't someone say something about hostages being held in the inn?
LeMiere: Ah yes. The inn. The survivors have holed up in there! They'll be easy targets for the Red-dang Marauders!
Batty: Well, let's stroll on over there.
Lashanna: Shouldn't we run over there or something?
Batty: No. It would ruin my mystere.
LeMiere: I'm starting to get sick of this 'mystere' thing. You're a skinny white nerd with a big black textbook. You're really not that mysterious.
Batty: Oh no? What if I wear this outrageous broad-brimmed hat?
Batty produces a pointy hat and puts it on.
Batty: Eh? EH?!
LeMiere: ...let's get strolling.
Meanwhile, in the Waypork Inn, a tremendous goblin-like creature dressed in black armor and wielding a bladed shield towers over a cowering innkeeper crouched amongst the corpses and overturned tables.
Innkeeper Nae: I told you already! We're OUT of pickles and applesauce!
Sean the Butcher: Wrong answer, woman. There's nothing else that goes with bacon like pickles and applesauce...except the blood of the innocent!
Sean raises his tremendous shield and prepares to strike the innkeeper down, when suddenly the door bursts open and our heroes rush into the room, weapons drawn and ready to fight!
LeMiere: Wait...only one hostage? Weren't there more?
Innkeeper Nae: Well there were more, but the Seangoblin sort of butchered them all.
Sean the Butcher: Not my fault. I can't be held responsible for something that's already in my name. Besides, why weren't you here earlier?
Lashanna: We were...strolling.
Sean the Butcher: Strolling? How mysterious! You must have some dark past or something to be making you so unconcerned about the lives of these pitiful mortals!
Batty clears his throat rather loudly.
Batty: See?
Sean the Butcher: But it is no matter. For now, you DIE!
The enormous Seangoblin charges, batting aside LeMiere as if she were naught but a little girly man. He then roars and makes his way towards the other companions. They must think quickly if they're going to survive!
Lashanna: Aren't you going to do something? We're supposed to be thinking quickly and you're the one with the highest intelligence score.
Batty: Must I direct your attention to the hat yet again?
Lashanna: *sigh* Nevermind. I'll take care of it.
With a wild warcry, Lashanna turns around and springs off the floor, hurling herself backwards towards the Seangoblin. There is a squeal of pain and a sickening crack as Sean's armored face meets its match, colliding with Lashanna's firmly-toned backside.
The great goblin squeals in pain and collapses, bleeding profusely from his face. Lashanna lands and brushes off her rump.
Lashanna: Dark Elven Style: Path of the Rampaging Ass.
Innkeeper Nae: Like a righteous uprising from the toilet you are! Thank you for saving us, for if you hadn't, who knows what might have beco-
She is interrupted as a hulking barbarian suddenly charges into the inn. With a roar, he brings his axe to bear and smashes the hapless innkeeper to the ground.
Kagrama: the INNKAEEPR SI SAEVED!
Bajah and Terena stumble in behind their burly companion.
Bajah: But...you just killed her!
Kagrama: buet i goets the LEVAL UP!! MAEY BARBARBAIN RAEG INCRESEAS! RAOROAOOAOROAOROAOAORORRROOWOOOOOOO!
LeMiere: Nevermind. I see you rescued the caravan master.
Terena: Hi. I'm the cheerful, sultry bardic caravan master...die.
LeMiere: Great! We can now go to Balderdash's Gate, where you will no doubt provide us with many rumors for quests in the local pub!
Terena: Sure. Drinking myself into oblivion is just as good as suicide.
And so, their work done and the village destroyed, the heroes walk out of the inn and return to their original path: to Balderdash's Gate, city of wonders. But what will they find in the terrible city? Treasure? Intrigue? Danger? Plot twists? MCGOBLIN'S?
Stay tuned, to find out in Chapter Four!
quote:
This one time, at King Parcelan camp:
Sean the Butcher: Wrong answer, woman. There's nothing else that goes with bacon like pickles and applesauce...except the blood of the innocent![/i]
Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop
quote:
King Parcelan enlisted the help of an infinite number of monkeys to write:
Lashanna: *sigh* Nevermind. I'll take care of it.With a wild warcry, Lashanna turns around and springs off the floor, hurling herself backwards towards the Seangoblin. There is a squeal of pain and a sickening crack as Sean's armored face meets its match, colliding with Lashanna's firmly-toned backside.
The great goblin squeals in pain and collapses, bleeding profusely from his face. Lashanna lands and brushes off her rump.
Lashanna: Dark Elven Style: Path of the Rampaging Ass.
Innkeeper Nae: Like a righteous uprising from the toilet you are!
Comedic Gold there...
quote:
King Parcelan probably says this to all the girls:
Hooray for Chapter Three!Kagrama: buet i goets the LEVAL UP!! MAEY BARBARBAIN RAEG INCRESEAS! RAOROAOOAOROAOROAOAORORRROOWOOOOOOO![/i]
l-o-l
WHAET HO!??
The Purple Germ Inn, in Balderdash's Gate serves as one of the foremost places for finding adventures. And, on this day, it is the foremost place for finding adventurers...
The relative serenity of the musty inn and pub is shattered like its door as a mighty foot kicks the wooden portal in and a great, roaring barbarian charges in.
Kagrama: PREPAIR YUORSELFES FOR the BATTEL!
A slender barmaid approaches, smiling at the barbarian and oblivious to his fury.
Barmaid Xyrra: Welcome, good sir! May I take your order?
Kagrama: Oh hoe! yuor jaedei mind trickes wiell nott woerk on ME! WHAET HO?!?!
With a mighty backhand, Kagrama smacks the barmaid and sends her flying across the inn, colliding into the hearth. His companions follow him through the gaping hole in the door.
Bajah: Gads, Kagrama! How are we supposed to find an adventure if you keep smashing every innocent we come across?
Kagrama: the FOERCE SI WITH ME, OBAJAH KENOEBI!
Bajah: ...right. Terena, shouldn't you be mustering up a rumor for us right about now?
Terena: Sure. After all, I've only been here four seconds.
LeMiere: Excellent! Let's have the rumor!
Terena: ...that was sarcasm.
LeMiere: Impossible! I can detect sarcasm at a +20 bonus!
Terena: Uh huh. Would that be with your stunning, god-like intellect?
LeMiere: Yes!
Terena: ...I'll go try to find you guys an adventure.
As Terena wanders off, the five companions take a seat at a nearby table. No sooner do their adventurous rears touch the bench than they are approached by a feminine, yet masculine, dark elf shrouded in a black robe. He? cracks a smile beneath his hood, a smile that causes Lashanna no small alarm.
Lashanna: Fae...Faeula, is that you? I thought you were destroyed Menzowhothefuckcanpronouncethiscity'snamejesus along with the rest of the family!
Faeula: Indeed. It seems I am more resourceful than you thought...sister.
LeMiere: Gasp!
Bajah: Gasp!
Batty: Gasp!
Kagrama: WHAET HO!?!?
Kagrama roars and smashes a pint glass over the dark's elf head, knocking him out cold as beer and shards of glass sprinkle down upon his face.
LeMiere: Kagrama! That NPC could have had some clue as to a new adventure! He clearly had some past with Lashanna.
Lashanna: It's all good, LeMiere. Actually, I borrowed a pair of biker shorts from him and then tore a hole in them. He probably wanted those back.
LeMiere: Oh...well the least he could do is come up with a new warcry.
Suddenly, an aged sage leaning heavily on a cane and stroking a long gray beard approaches. Batty raises a brow at his sudden appearance.
Batty: So...it is you...Sage Omdethil.
Sage Omdethil: Indeed, young necromancer. And I am here to tell you of your mysterious, horrendous past, young moon elf...
Lashanna: Gasp!
LeMiere: Gasp!
Bajah: Gasp!
Kagrama: RAMEMBRE the GETTYSBARG ADDRESSE!
Kagrama howls and grabs the sage's staff, giving him a hard thwack over the head with it and knocking him out cold.
LeMiere: Alright, can you please stop doing that?
Bajah: I kind of liked that last warcry, actually.
LeMiere: Still, you can't just keep beating our leads unconscious! The next NPC that comes in, you leave the hell alone.
Suddenly, a small fellow with shaggy hair and wearing a dirty uniform enters the inn, toting a small pizza box with him.
Suddar: Ye Olde Pizzarama delivery? Someone order a large pineapple and pork?
Bajah: ...
Batty: ...
Lashanna: ...
LeMiere: ...
Kagrama: GAESP!!1
Before this joke gets completely overused, the apathetic figure of Terena appears once more, clearly bearing some interesting news.
LeMiere: What news, woman? Have you a lead for us?
Terena: Yeah, and it only cost me my virginity to the bartender.
LeMiere: Excellent! Let's hear the rumor!
Terena: ...anyways, there's apparently a series of grisly murders running through the town. A lot of people are turning up mutilated and dead. There's also a bunch of assassins running around kidnapping people.
LeMiere: Hmm. Perhaps they are linked somehow...
Terena: Right. I was just reciting them together to save time.
LeMiere: Your efficiency is appreciated! Now, we shall split up once more, so as to cover more ground! Lashanna, you and Kagrama shall investigate these murders.
Kagrama: to the EX-WIENG!!1
Lashanna: ...okay.
LeMiere: Bajah, Batty and myself shall investigate these kidnappings and hopefully free the hostages for the great nobility! We shall meet again tomorrow to collect our reward from Terena.
Terena: What?
LeMiere: Now, to adventure!
Our heroes seem to have a lot on their plate these days! Grisly murders? Kidnappings? Assassins? Shapely dark elven buttocks? All this and more...
In Chapter Five!
quote:
Kagrama: RAMEMBRE the GETTYSBARG ADDRESSE!
It's difficult to type when I'm too busy laughing to bring myself to keyboard level.
Drys, we need a special vote of 6 for threads like these!
quote:
King Parcelan had this to say about Punky Brewster:
This amount of posts is unacceptable. Proceed to feed my ego lest I be forced to write: "The Passion of Paul554".
I was going to feed your ego until I saw this.
Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop
