Our story commences when the Bible starts it's leaving out of about 10 or 20 years of Jesus' life. Most people think that Jesus didn't do anything important during that time. Me? I know better. In fact, Jesus went to Asia to study various Eastern meditation techniques; he'd just found out he was the son of God, and for a teenager, that can really mess up your inner peace. So, while Jesus is traveling to Xanghai, his little caravan of people is set upon by bandits. Most of the people on that caravan were killed by a certain bandit using the mighty technique of Fazooshan Fu (roughly translated as "OMG headshot awp newb roofles zerg rush"), but Jesus miraculously escaped that fate. Wait, what am I saying, miraculously? He's the friggin' sona GAWD, of course he escaped. Sheesh. Anyway, Jesus was found, passed out on the road, by Buddhist warrior monks. I know that doesn't make sense, but you know what? SHUT UP, that's what. Yeah. Anyway, the monks took him back to their temple, where they taugh Jesus the style of Hai Do Ma Ken Ji (roughly translated as "Use correct grammar, you festering pimple on society's ass!"). This style happens to be the diametric opposite of Fazooshan Fu, which makes this whole thing seem like a conspiracy. Wait...do you hear it? THE BLACK HELICOPTERS! They're coming to get me! AHHHHHHHH!
Anyway, after learning Hai Do Ma Ken Ji, Jesus wandered through China for a while. He defended peasants from bandits, defeated evil lords, and ate some rice along the way. Until one day, when he came across the same group of bandits who had attacked his caravan so many years ago. He took down all the low-level bandits (he didn't kill 'em; he's CHRIST, for...um...Christ's sake), but he then saw the evil bandit leader, the master of Fazooshan Fu. I think the dialogue went something like this:
Jesus: *intimidating stare*
Evil Bandit: *intimidating stare*
Jesus: So, my old nemesis from long ago. Do you dare to face the son of God? Ha! Ha ha ha! I scorn the notion! *lips keep moving because of a bad dub*
Evil Bandit: Ahh, but it is YOUR notion which should be scorned! For I will soon defeat you, and you will be p'wnd by my mighty Zerg rush! Ha, ha ha ha! *laughs silently for a bit longer, damn bad dub*
*both return to intimidating stares. Then, Jesus whips aside his sarape to reveal the Peacemaker he always carries. The whistling music from Clint Eastwood movies starts up, and as both men draw their guns-
Wait, wait, waitaminute, that last part isn't right at all. Okay, what really happened is, Jesus whupped the guy's butt. Then he carried the bandit to some jail in Quangdong, or whatever. Wait...I said "dong." *Butthead mode* Uh huh-huh-huh. "Dong." Uh huh-huh-huh. Yeah.
Anyway, after all that, Jesus went back home to Israel. He was worried about his parents, seeing how those romans might be looking for more slaves, or vomitorium workers. Ugh. But, being a devout Jew, Jesus decides to stop off at the temple for a quick pray. But what does he find when he gets there? That's right: Moneychangers. In the damn TEMPLE. So, the world goes into one of those martial arts cut-scenes, and before you know it, Jesus was kung fu fighting. Our savior was fast as lightning. (Huh!) It was a little bit frightening. (Hah!) Oh, kung fu fighting. The Romans started getting worried when they heard about that. They got more worried about all the miracles Jesus performed, and that time when Jesus betrayed Barry and Barry was all like, "Jesus, why did you betray me like that, man?" So Pontius Pilate decided something needed to be done. After getting Judas to betray Jesus, one of the Roman soldiers took Pilate's Crown 'O Thorns gun and shot Jesus with it. Then he was all like, "omg headshot newb kekekeke." Then, when Jesus was on the cross, the thieves said "Hey, godmoder, why not use your powers to get off of here?" And Jesus said, "For the last time, I'm not a Godmoder! I'm the son of God!" And the bad thief said "Whatevah." Like an audience member on Ricky Lake. Then Jesus died, and the Romans were all "Awp spear pierce newb roofles omg lollerblades." Because the Romans were all stupid AOL kids who played Starcraft constantly. But then, when Jesus rose from the dead, he was all "Celestial power, what what?" And the Romans were all "Stupid cheap newb that doesnt cownt, zerg rush." And that's the story of Jesus!
Don't ruin my perfectly good idiocy with your damn logic.
quote:
From the book of King Parcelan, chapter 3, verse 16:
Too long and your lame choice of text color makes it a chore to read. Fail.
You're just bitter.
Don't ruin my perfectly good idiocy with your damn logic.
quote:
Sans Strider had this to say about Optimus Prime:
You're just bitter.
No he's right. I tried to read it but my eyes kept blurring and crossing.
It's painful
Except...not so good. But it was kinda amusing. A for Effort there... [ 02-08-2004: Message edited by: Gunslinger Moogle ]
Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop
Don't ruin my perfectly good idiocy with your damn logic.
