So here is a challenge for you to see if you still got "the right stuff."
Explain in a few paragraphs how the invasion of Iraq was justified using the following topics: Sputnik, a bullfrog, a common go-kart and Gydyon.
But I've already said too much.
Anyway, it's one of the darkest state secrets--and many valiant cephalopods lost their lives to exfiltrate this information--that Sputnik was actually an early experiment in mind control. That went horribly wrong.
Had it worked, all of the free world would have fallen under the Soviet spell as Sputnik broadcast subliminal messages that resonated at the exact frequency of Grape Nuts, which would in turn set up a harmonic feedback loop resulting in a standing wave throughout America and Europe, upon which the endless chanting of Gregorian monks would lower the resistance of even the strongest minds, paving the way for a final short-wave burst of communist doctrine that would imprint indelibly upon hundreds of millions of helpless minds.
There was a glitch, however.
A bullfrog had somehow made its way into the clean room prior to Sputnik's launch--investigation found it to have been a joke one of the technicians planned to play on a female co-worker by putting it down the front of her smock--and hopped into the transceiver compartment aboard the satellite.
The effects were twofold. First, the slight shift in balance caused the satellite to face away from the earth when its broadcast began. Second, the dying croaks of a very sad little bullfrog intermingled with the precisely calibrated communist propaganda, creating a mutant message that no longer resonated at the same frequency as Grape Nuts, but rather created an interference pattern slightly out of phase with the automated nipple-putter-onner machinery commonly used in baby milk factories.
All of this would have been of no historical significance, except that Sputnik's antenna, pointing away from the earth, happened to align perfectly with the crater Tycho on the moon. The full force of the Sputnik broadcast hit Tycho, was focused ever so slightly, and reflected back to earth, where Iraq happened to be in the path of the strange beam.
It so happened at the time that a young Saddam Hussein, a lowly worker at a baby milk factory, was experimenting with tinfoil headwear as a combination fashion statement (he hoped to break into haute couture) and reflective shield to keep his brain from frying in the hot sun. With the quirky timing common to such unlikely stories, he was inspecting the nipple-putter-onner machine at the time Sputnik's drastically altered message set up an interference pattern that was trapped and magnified by his tinfoil hat.
The jumbled message of communist ideology interwoven with the mournful croaking of a sad, spacefaring bullfrog set up a psychic chain reaction that turned a mild-mannered, somewhat effeminate fashion designer wannabe into a raving lunatic bent on world domination with a fetish for froglegs.
Had we known this key intelligence sooner, history might have been altered. Yet, as I said, many cephalopods died to bring us this information. Sadly, owing to the vast overland distances, it took them decades upon decades to make contact with their superiors in the CIA. It took even more years for the CIA operatives to figure out why they were mobbed by squid every time they went to the beach.
Once the message was understood, however, there was no time to lose. War was inevitable. The power of Sputnik, nurtured through the ages, had to be stopped. There was no telling what secret powers could have been imparted by the stray blast of mind-rays bounced off the moon. Was it just a penchant for fondling froglegs, or something more dire?
Obviously, the world was not ready for such news. Nor could a dictator of such evil power be overcome my mere military might, as had been proven earlier. No, this required a plan of such overwhelming subtlety and finesse, and executed by the most daring of secret agents.
Unfortunately, all of the secret agents were busy gambling, womanizing, and arguing over whether stirred or shaken was the suavest way to order a martini.
So a diversion was needed. The plan was to move forward with an all-out invasion of Iraq as a cover for the real operation. An argument was begun over the existence of WMD, to trick the French into disagreeing with US policy, which would strengthen polls at home. Hundreds of thousands of troops were massed on the borders and ordered to make a lot of noise and divert attention away from the true mission.
Meanwhile, at a secret facility in the desert of New Mexico, a lone Harvard-educated lawyer was given his final brief.
"Here you have your standard-issue wet suit, and a common go-kart," said Y, the chief gadgeteer for the CIA. "The diversion should begin soon, so good luck to you."
"Um, excuse me?" asked Gydyon. "I don't mean to be rude or ungrateful, or anything, but how the blazes am I supposed to get from New Mexico to Iraq, armed only with a wet suit and a go-kart?"
Y paused. He frowned a bit, and worried at a hangnail while gazing at the ceiling. "Good point," he said at last. "I'll arange for transport to the Middle East."
I'm not at liberty to discuss the details of Gydyon's harrowing battle through desert heat, sandstorms, and hordes of virgin bellydancers to reach Saddam's secret hideout. Nor am I willing to compromise security by explaining how a large man dressed in a wet suit, posing as God of the Frogs was able to spirit Saddam out of power and leave him blubbering with fear of amphibian justice, crouched in an undergound cell near Tikrit. Suffice it to say that the world owes Gydyon for it's very existence, and that the alien menace discovered in Iraq was stopped forever.
Remember: I didn't mention the aliens.
{edit: couple of tpyos} [ 02-07-2004: Message edited by: Bloodsage ]
--Satan, quoted by John Milton
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith
Posted so I could see the new post image. [ 02-07-2004: Message edited by: Kalculus Kid or Mathinator or Waisz ]
I shall never disagree with US policy again!
[ 02-07-2004: Message edited by: Jaggedpine Mistwalker ]
quote:
We were all impressed when King Parcelan wrote:
Well, well! It seems you have grown too cool for school. NEWSFLASH! You aren't!So here is a challenge for you to see if you still got "the right stuff."
Explain in a few paragraphs how the invasion of Iraq was justified using the following topics: Sputnik, a bullfrog, a common go-kart and Gydyon.
uhhh hello duh back up here
you misquoted zoolander
ZOOLANDER
it's NEWSFLASH WALTER CRONKITE
my god, don't let me catch you doing that again
quote:
Sakkra had this to say about Captain Planet:
Pure hilarity.
Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop
quote:
King Parcelan had this to say about Knight Rider:
Well, well! It seems you have grown too cool for school. NEWSFLASH! You aren't!So here is a challenge for you to see if you still got "the right stuff."
Explain in a few paragraphs how the invasion of Iraq was justified using the following topics: Sputnik, a bullfrog, a common go-kart and Gydyon.
thats no challenge parce a real challenge would to ask him to explain how Somthor Is misunderstood and is actualy not only right about everything, but is in fact the secret master of the universe. or if you really want to make his head explode challenge him to write a 500 word article about what he admires most about Somthor. without useing sarcasm. [ 02-07-2004: Message edited by: Somthor ]
Somthor losers.
Just like every other thread that these two post in.
quote:
Somthor impressed everyone with:
thats no challenge parce a real challenge would to ask him to explain how Somthor Is misunderstood .
quote:
and is actualy not only right about everything, .
quote:
but is in fact the secret master of the universe..
quote:
or if you really want to make his head explode challenge him to write a 500 word article about what he admires most about Somthor. without useing sarcasm.
Such a misuse of words would likely cause the English language to implode upon itself.
[ 02-08-2004: Message edited by: Elvish Crack Piper ]
quote:
This insanity brought to you by Callalron:
Such a misuse of words would likely cause the English language to implode upon itself.
see why it would be a challenge?
quote:
Somthor attempted to be funny by writing:
see why it would be a challenge?
It still wouldn't be funny though. This was a verbal challenge with the direct intent of being highly entertaining. Writing your essay would just be lies that everyone would hate. Since everyone would hate it no matter how well it was written, Bloodsage would be doomed to failure. That isn't a challenge, its being handed a loss.