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Topic: Bloodsage! A verbal challenge!
King Parcelan
Chicken of the Sea
posted 02-07-2004 04:48:20 PM
Well, well! It seems you have grown too cool for school. NEWSFLASH! You aren't!

So here is a challenge for you to see if you still got "the right stuff."

Explain in a few paragraphs how the invasion of Iraq was justified using the following topics: Sputnik, a bullfrog, a common go-kart and Gydyon.

Zair
The Imp
posted 02-07-2004 04:51:10 PM
The other time Bloodsage did one of these it was hilarious. No pressure.
Bloodsage
Heart Attack
posted 02-07-2004 06:01:12 PM
Most people aren't privy to the deepest, darkest secrets of US intelligence, so what I'm about to say must be held in the strictest confidence lest war, famine, and communist waffles sweep civilization from the face of the earth, leaving mankind perched precariously in a single colony on Jupiter's moon Titan. . .

But I've already said too much.

Anyway, it's one of the darkest state secrets--and many valiant cephalopods lost their lives to exfiltrate this information--that Sputnik was actually an early experiment in mind control. That went horribly wrong.

Had it worked, all of the free world would have fallen under the Soviet spell as Sputnik broadcast subliminal messages that resonated at the exact frequency of Grape Nuts, which would in turn set up a harmonic feedback loop resulting in a standing wave throughout America and Europe, upon which the endless chanting of Gregorian monks would lower the resistance of even the strongest minds, paving the way for a final short-wave burst of communist doctrine that would imprint indelibly upon hundreds of millions of helpless minds.

There was a glitch, however.

A bullfrog had somehow made its way into the clean room prior to Sputnik's launch--investigation found it to have been a joke one of the technicians planned to play on a female co-worker by putting it down the front of her smock--and hopped into the transceiver compartment aboard the satellite.

The effects were twofold. First, the slight shift in balance caused the satellite to face away from the earth when its broadcast began. Second, the dying croaks of a very sad little bullfrog intermingled with the precisely calibrated communist propaganda, creating a mutant message that no longer resonated at the same frequency as Grape Nuts, but rather created an interference pattern slightly out of phase with the automated nipple-putter-onner machinery commonly used in baby milk factories.

All of this would have been of no historical significance, except that Sputnik's antenna, pointing away from the earth, happened to align perfectly with the crater Tycho on the moon. The full force of the Sputnik broadcast hit Tycho, was focused ever so slightly, and reflected back to earth, where Iraq happened to be in the path of the strange beam.

It so happened at the time that a young Saddam Hussein, a lowly worker at a baby milk factory, was experimenting with tinfoil headwear as a combination fashion statement (he hoped to break into haute couture) and reflective shield to keep his brain from frying in the hot sun. With the quirky timing common to such unlikely stories, he was inspecting the nipple-putter-onner machine at the time Sputnik's drastically altered message set up an interference pattern that was trapped and magnified by his tinfoil hat.

The jumbled message of communist ideology interwoven with the mournful croaking of a sad, spacefaring bullfrog set up a psychic chain reaction that turned a mild-mannered, somewhat effeminate fashion designer wannabe into a raving lunatic bent on world domination with a fetish for froglegs.

Had we known this key intelligence sooner, history might have been altered. Yet, as I said, many cephalopods died to bring us this information. Sadly, owing to the vast overland distances, it took them decades upon decades to make contact with their superiors in the CIA. It took even more years for the CIA operatives to figure out why they were mobbed by squid every time they went to the beach.

Once the message was understood, however, there was no time to lose. War was inevitable. The power of Sputnik, nurtured through the ages, had to be stopped. There was no telling what secret powers could have been imparted by the stray blast of mind-rays bounced off the moon. Was it just a penchant for fondling froglegs, or something more dire?

Obviously, the world was not ready for such news. Nor could a dictator of such evil power be overcome my mere military might, as had been proven earlier. No, this required a plan of such overwhelming subtlety and finesse, and executed by the most daring of secret agents.

Unfortunately, all of the secret agents were busy gambling, womanizing, and arguing over whether stirred or shaken was the suavest way to order a martini.

So a diversion was needed. The plan was to move forward with an all-out invasion of Iraq as a cover for the real operation. An argument was begun over the existence of WMD, to trick the French into disagreeing with US policy, which would strengthen polls at home. Hundreds of thousands of troops were massed on the borders and ordered to make a lot of noise and divert attention away from the true mission.

Meanwhile, at a secret facility in the desert of New Mexico, a lone Harvard-educated lawyer was given his final brief.

"Here you have your standard-issue wet suit, and a common go-kart," said Y, the chief gadgeteer for the CIA. "The diversion should begin soon, so good luck to you."

"Um, excuse me?" asked Gydyon. "I don't mean to be rude or ungrateful, or anything, but how the blazes am I supposed to get from New Mexico to Iraq, armed only with a wet suit and a go-kart?"

Y paused. He frowned a bit, and worried at a hangnail while gazing at the ceiling. "Good point," he said at last. "I'll arange for transport to the Middle East."

I'm not at liberty to discuss the details of Gydyon's harrowing battle through desert heat, sandstorms, and hordes of virgin bellydancers to reach Saddam's secret hideout. Nor am I willing to compromise security by explaining how a large man dressed in a wet suit, posing as God of the Frogs was able to spirit Saddam out of power and leave him blubbering with fear of amphibian justice, crouched in an undergound cell near Tikrit. Suffice it to say that the world owes Gydyon for it's very existence, and that the alien menace discovered in Iraq was stopped forever.

Remember: I didn't mention the aliens.

{edit: couple of tpyos}

[ 02-07-2004: Message edited by: Bloodsage ]

To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.

--Satan, quoted by John Milton

Karnaj
Road Warrior Queef
posted 02-07-2004 06:10:10 PM
And that's why I no longer drink in front of the computer.
That's the American Dream: to make your life into something you can sell. - Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith



Beer.

Lechium
With no one to ever know
posted 02-07-2004 06:34:21 PM
*applause*
"The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
Alaan
posted 02-07-2004 06:39:09 PM
ONe of the greatest things I have ever read.
Snugglits
I LIKE TO ABUSE THE ALERT MOD BUTTON AND I ENJOY THE FLAVOR OF SWEET SWEET COCK.
posted 02-07-2004 06:40:34 PM
Yeah, that was kinda funny

Posted so I could see the new post image.

[ 02-07-2004: Message edited by: Kalculus Kid or Mathinator or Waisz ]

[b].sig removed by Mr. Parcelan[/b]
Trillee
I <3 My Deviant
posted 02-07-2004 06:43:00 PM
I'm impressed. *nods*
Caid '5 Fists' Berrit
I've had a few beers but I'm cool to drive
posted 02-07-2004 06:47:51 PM
egads!
'But if I had a shotgun you know what I'd do?
I'd point that shit straight at the sky and shoot heavan on down for you'

Bradley Nowell
Nicole
The hip-hop-happiest bunny in all of marshmallow woods
posted 02-07-2004 06:51:57 PM
The whole war seems so... justified now.

I shall never disagree with US policy again!



I just spent
my last cent
purchasing this poverty.

Alaan
posted 02-07-2004 06:55:30 PM
Bloodsage should be Bush's Press Secretary.
Liam
Swims in Erotic Circles
posted 02-07-2004 07:26:29 PM
Cheers.
Jaggedpine Mistwalker
Member #4!
posted 02-07-2004 08:40:39 PM
That was great.

[ 02-07-2004: Message edited by: Jaggedpine Mistwalker ]

Sakkra
Office Linebacker
posted 02-07-2004 09:00:38 PM
Pure hilarity.
Kermitov
Pancake
posted 02-07-2004 09:05:48 PM
I can't say anything that hasn't already been said
Pvednes
Lynched
posted 02-07-2004 09:06:09 PM
ROFLMAO
Lady Delirium
Drysart loves me!
posted 02-07-2004 09:10:35 PM
quote:
We were all impressed when King Parcelan wrote:
Well, well! It seems you have grown too cool for school. NEWSFLASH! You aren't!

So here is a challenge for you to see if you still got "the right stuff."

Explain in a few paragraphs how the invasion of Iraq was justified using the following topics: Sputnik, a bullfrog, a common go-kart and Gydyon.


uhhh hello duh back up here

you misquoted zoolander
ZOOLANDER

it's NEWSFLASH WALTER CRONKITE

my god, don't let me catch you doing that again


yes, that is maradon spining around in a chair ^_ ____ _ ^
Gunslinger Moogle
No longer a gimmick
posted 02-07-2004 09:37:36 PM
quote:
Sakkra had this to say about Captain Planet:
Pure hilarity.



moogle is the 3241727861th binary digit of pi

Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop

Aaron (the good one)
posted 02-07-2004 09:41:34 PM
Galbadia Hotel - Video Game Music
I am Canadian and I hate The Tragically Hip
&nbsp;
can you please fix my title
posted 02-07-2004 10:26:52 PM
quote:
King Parcelan had this to say about Knight Rider:
Well, well! It seems you have grown too cool for school. NEWSFLASH! You aren't!

So here is a challenge for you to see if you still got "the right stuff."

Explain in a few paragraphs how the invasion of Iraq was justified using the following topics: Sputnik, a bullfrog, a common go-kart and Gydyon.


thats no challenge parce a real challenge would to ask him to explain how Somthor Is misunderstood and is actualy not only right about everything, but is in fact the secret master of the universe. or if you really want to make his head explode challenge him to write a 500 word article about what he admires most about Somthor. without useing sarcasm.

[ 02-07-2004: Message edited by: Somthor ]

Im confused as always[xIMG]http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/356687/somthorsig3.JPG[/img]
Liam
Swims in Erotic Circles
posted 02-07-2004 10:30:15 PM
Somthor totally took a steaming shit on this thread with that one post alone.
Alaan
posted 02-07-2004 11:23:44 PM
The whole "humor" aspect of this flew over Somthors head in a low orbit at a high velocity.
Zeke
I am a vampire and
posted 02-07-2004 11:31:47 PM
Yeah...this thread kicked so much ass until I read a few posts after 'Sage.
"Death most resembles a prophet who is without honor in his own land or a poet who is a stranger among his people."
"Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once."
Hime, eien-ni, anata-wo ai-shimasu.
Trent
Smurfberry Moneyshot
posted 02-08-2004 02:37:08 AM
Since I ignore Somthor.. the thread still kicks ass.

Naimah
In a Fire
posted 02-08-2004 02:59:47 AM
Bloodsage wins.

Somthor losers.

Just like every other thread that these two post in.

Anklebiter
Pancake
posted 02-08-2004 03:21:40 AM
My family was killed by mutant sputnik bullfrogs.
EVE Online:
Asha Vahishta, Minmatar Pilot.
Naimah
In a Fire
posted 02-08-2004 03:33:11 AM
My family was mutant sputnik bullfrogs.
Azrael Heavenblade
Damn Dirty Godmoder
posted 02-08-2004 03:37:27 AM
Heh, I wonder if 'Sage was inspired to do the 'baby-milk factory' part from reading that liquid kids comic...
"The basic tool for manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use them." - Philip K. Dick
Callalron
Hires people with hooks
posted 02-08-2004 03:38:15 AM
quote:
Somthor impressed everyone with:
thats no challenge parce a real challenge would to ask him to explain how Somthor Is misunderstood .

You aren't.

quote:
and is actualy not only right about everything, .

Again, you aren't.

quote:
but is in fact the secret master of the universe..

Sensing a pattern yet? You aren't.

quote:
or if you really want to make his head explode challenge him to write a 500 word article about what he admires most about Somthor. without useing sarcasm.

Such a misuse of words would likely cause the English language to implode upon itself.

Callalron
"When mankind finally discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be upset that it isn't them."
"If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish he'll just go out and buy an ugly hat. But if you talk to a starving man about fish, then you've become a consultant."--Dogbert
Arvek, 41 Bounty Hunter
Vrook Lamar server
Trillee
I <3 My Deviant
posted 02-08-2004 03:43:35 AM
Call wins!
Tarquinn
Personally responsible for the decline of the American Dollar
posted 02-08-2004 06:29:27 AM
Impressive.
~Never underestimate the power of a Dark Clown.
Elvish Crack Piper
Murder is justified so long as people believe in something different than you do
posted 02-08-2004 06:47:12 AM
Go 'Sage !

[ 02-08-2004: Message edited by: Elvish Crack Piper ]

(Insert Funny Phrase Here)
&nbsp;
can you please fix my title
posted 02-08-2004 10:14:30 AM
quote:
This insanity brought to you by Callalron:
Such a misuse of words would likely cause the English language to implode upon itself.


see why it would be a challenge?

Im confused as always[xIMG]http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/356687/somthorsig3.JPG[/img]
Alaan
posted 02-08-2004 12:22:41 PM
quote:
Somthor attempted to be funny by writing:
see why it would be a challenge?

It still wouldn't be funny though. This was a verbal challenge with the direct intent of being highly entertaining. Writing your essay would just be lies that everyone would hate. Since everyone would hate it no matter how well it was written, Bloodsage would be doomed to failure. That isn't a challenge, its being handed a loss.

Broadzilla
Pancake
posted 02-08-2004 12:29:11 PM
Bloodsage > All
"I like lesbians with a giddy delight. If I had my own pair, I'd jack off every night."
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me."
"There are easier things in life then finding a good guy like nailing Jell-0 to a tree."

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