Once upon a time, deep in the Evercrest Woods, there lived a raccoon named Led. Of course, there were many raccoons in the EverCrest Woods, but Led was different. While most raccoons loved to forage and spread rabies, there was nothing Led loved to do more than fight. For Led was the biggest, baddest raccoon in the forest.
Every day, she would go out and pick a fight with anyone she saw. And, being a big, rabid jerk, she would win every time. And when she got back, she would fight with her meek little life mate: Bajah.
One bright sunny morning, it was no different. Led got up and scurried out of her burrow, ready to start the day on a positive note.
"Today, I shall beat up one of every creature in the forest!" she proclaimed proudly. And with that, she hocked a loogie and went on her way.
She hadn't gone far before she spotted the plump form of Gydyon, the Jovial Porcupine, enjoying a breakfast of berries and nuts. As Led approached, he gave her a big smile and waved at her.
"Good morning, Led! Perhaps you would like to partake of some fine berries and nuts?" he offered, being the generous soul he was.
"No," replied Led, "But YOU would like to partake of some PAIN!"
And before Gydyon could blink, she shoved him onto his back, sinking his quills deep into the soil and getting him stuck. On his back, Gydyon flailed his little porcupine arms and shouted:
"Darn you, Led! Mark my words, someday your fighting will get you into trouble!"
Led only let out a hearty guffaw and went on her way to find someone new to bully. She wandered around until she came to a mossy meadow, where she spied the lifelong friends of Suddar, the Solemn Guinea Pig, playing tag with Vorbis, the Lewd Newt.
Led didn't even waste time listening to what they might have to say upon greeting her. Instead, she chased them down, grabbed them both by their heads and "KLUNK!" thumped them together. The two friends collapsed, dizzy and with hurting heads.
"Curse you, Led!" they cried, rubbing their noggins. "Someday, you'll learn your lesson and you'll never pick on us again!"
But Led couldn't hear them over her own guffaws, and she went off looking for more trouble. As the morning turned to afternoon, she found herself being more thirsty than bloodthirsty, and hurried to the stream to get a drink.
What luck! As she approached the stream, she spotted her next victim: Snoota, the Surly Beaver, lying down next to the stream, clutching his bulging stomach in pain. Laughing to herself, she scurried down and got ready for a brawl; it was well-known that Snoota loved to fight almost as much as he loved working at the local McBeaver's.
What was not well-known was that Snoota had just eaten forty burritos, courtesy of Taco Owl, and his intestines were currently fighting against three pounds of beans and old cheese...and losing. So he groaned and rolled onto his stomach.
"Aha, Snoota!" she said, confronting him. "I've been looking for a decent fight all day! You'll do quite nicely."
"Oooogh, not today Led," he said, "I've got a bit of an indigestion problem. Why don't you go compare penis sizes with Bajah?"
That tore it! If ther was one thing Led couldn't stand, it was a crack at her penis size! Growling, she scurried around the bloated beaver, to his back. Narrowing her eyes at his rear, she drew back her hind leg and prepared a righteous kick!
There was a brief silence after the "THUMP!" of Led's foot connecting with the bare spot beneath Snoota's tail...and then, all hell broke loose.
The earth trembled, plants wilted, and birds fell from their perches in a sudden lack of the will to live as a great roar came from Snoota's rear, accompanied by a stench of death and rotting flesh straight into the nostrils of a raccoon like missiles fired by a rectal terrorist.
And so, Led never did bully anyone again, mainly because her petrified corpse was found days later, wearing an expression of horror and pain etched into a grimace. Nobody really knew what happened to her, but Snoota had learned his lesson well...
And that lesson was:
Power is often bliss, but more often beaver farts. or Never eat at Taco Owl.
[ 10-05-2003: Message edited by: Mr. Parcelan ]
--Satan, quoted by John Milton
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith
quote:
Karnaj had this to say about (_|_):
I thought beaver farts were---never mind.
nnioR~
quote:
Khyron had this to say about Robocop:
We need more Parcetales
I give it 
out 5 gavel smileys.
