Oh yeah, we all know it's hard to get some these days. Used to be you could shag and scoot the next day, and it'd be expected. But these days, women want anything but a quick roll in the hay. They want committment, stability, and they expect you to be in shape. It's too hard for any of us to do, and that's why I have created this guide.
Now, pay close attention.
Lesson One: Women love to be referred to in pet names that involve food. "Honey," "Sugar," and "Dumplin'," didn't just occur to someone as good names one day. Chicks get horny when they think there's food around (just look at a lioness!) So what can you do to capitalize on this?
First, take it a step further. Call her an obscure food of some sort. Nothing gets a woman more aroused than a quick: "Hey, rocky mountain oyster." Or, alternatively, you can judge your woman and call her accordingly. For a down-home girl-next-door, "Meatloaf," "Baked Potato," and "Manure" are all good names. Consider names like "Duck a l'orange" and "Merde a la Francais" for a classier dame.
Lesson Two: It's an unavoidable fact of life: chicks dig commitment. But you don't want to give up your freedom and move in with her, a gas stove and a cat, do you? Of course you don't. Luckily, in the modern age, there's a new way to show you're willing to stick with something.
Insurance. That's right. Stick with the same provider, agent, and whatnot, and you'll show her just how far you can go for her. And just between you and me, nothing turns a girl on quicker than a dental plan.
Lesson Three: This may be something you're not willing to talk about. If it gets too intense for you, you might want to skip to the next lesson.
Sometimes we have trouble in bed. We're all tired of hearing the same things: "Is it really that small?" to "You're more limp than Stephen Hawking in a marathon!" to "Holy shit! A naked mole rat has swallowed your cock!" So, how can we avoid this?
Simple. Take the focus off of your small dictator and onto something else. But what? Oral sex won't do it, women have developed a tough hide over the sensitive parts to foil us there. And we can't just cuddle...no way in hell. Where do we turn? Jeopardy. It's a well-known fact that answers in the phrase of a question makes for a kinky game in bed, and all women love Trebek.
Lesson Four: Now that you have your woman, you're going to have to keep her from shacking up with other men. And let's face it, this is no easy task. There are men out there more intelligent, good-looking and sensitive than you are. How can you possibly compete?
Simple: from this day forward, none of them walks, takes the bus, or drives to work without you first calling their boss and claiming that their pretty-boy, smart-boy or sensitive-boy employee is secretly Saddam in disguise taking refuge in their building. If they don't report them to the FBI immediately, they could be looking at crimes against the nation.
Hint: If Saddam seems a bit far-fetched, substitute another infamous dictator. Attila the Hun, Richard Nixon and Kevin Bacon are all good candidates.
Final Lesson: We're almost done. You now know how to earn, please and keep a woman. But how do you take care of her friends and family? A high school girlfriend whisper in the ear, a father's stern disapproval, a sister or mother's proclamation that they are carrying your child: all things that can spell doom for you.
The answer, fortunately, is simple: whenever meeting her family or friends, simply pretend to be someone else! Got a few girlfriends coming over to meet the new beaux? Why, I bet they'd like to see Woodrow Wilson on the arm of their former chum. Father and mother want to chat? They'll have a laugh a minute with their daughter's date: Captain Crunch!
It's easy. And if all else fails, claim amnesia/cancer/sirosis of the liver or some other delightfully pitiable disease.
Conclusion: Women are hard to obtain, and even harder to understand, but if you've got the willpower, they can be yours: lining up around the block like Snoota at a Chinese Buffet. We've only scratched the surface here, but you can look forward to learning more in my new book: "Parcelan Still Knows More Than You Do...about Women."
Ladies! Look for my companion novel: "You're Too Fat, Too Yappy and Too Ugly! Now Bake Me a Pie!" in all participating bookstores and therapy clinics today! You can never have too many issues!
Sheesh, I came here thinking that the great mystery called Women was going to be solved.
If I didn't see the humor in the opening post, I'd have shot Parcelan before I finished the first sentence. 
Thank you Mr. Show.
quote:
diadem thought this was the Ricky Martin Fan Club Forum and wrote:
bruddah parclean, me woman keeps trying to leabe da kitchen and hab a social life of her own. whut should me do?
Women may seem cunning and trickier than men...at first. I can assure you that they are no more bright than your standard ground sloth when it comes to things they like, such as shiny jewelry and credit cards.
All you need to do to keep your woman where you want her is to prop up a large box with a stick and tie a long string to said stick, so that when you give a sharp tug, the box will fall down. Then, you just put a credit card, a bag from Neiman Marcus, or a cubic zirconia under the box. Once the bait is set, you just waddle off into the shadows and wait.
When your woman wanders under the box to claim the spoils, a quick jerk on the string and bam! You've got her right where you want her! Best part being: as a simple woman, she'll be pleased as punch with her newfound spoils right under the box!
quote:
Nicole had this to say about John Romero:
*turns lesbian*
Damn lost another [ 09-21-2003: Message edited by: Paul The Fun Drunk ]
