I just want some opinions on this, like what I can change to make it better, or more understandable / interesting. some people at school didnt like it because apparently it reminded them of Stephen King, so if you dont like him, dont read it I guess...
btw: think iksar for the cherachters.
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"Dont make me do it! Please!" Zabes voice filled the air like lgihtning on a stormy night, booming and shrieking in in-human fear. For in fact, he was not human. Terror striken red eyes rolled in their sockets. Glistening silver scales reflected the fear surrounding him. A long serpentine tail swished and twitched in anxiety as his hands clenched weapons of death and destruction. He was born a weapon, ripling muscles, sharp fangs, and deadly claws, but by som flaw he posessed emotion. Going against all will of the brood he had fled, fled to all corners of the earth. But he had never been safe, constantly being followed by his brothers, his own fellow hatchlings, the family wich refused their blood bond. They had him cornered now, their bodys closing in on him, and he said again "Please" But begging was useless now He would be forced death. Death for feeling, for caring, caring for his zombi-like borthers. As he fought for his life he cried, the tears running down his face and drippingto the ground to mingle his his brothers freshly shed blood. The thought made him sick, and so he pushed the thought from his mind. One by one his brothers fell to his blade. Over and over he saw his brothers bloood drain to the dirt, the sparks of like in their eyes be extinguished, like a fire by water. There was only one left now. He was tall, golden scales, a fine example of the might of their species. Zabe wailed in anguish. " Reconsider brother!" The golden one smiled, a forked tongue flickering between jagged teeth. And then he charged, laughing mercilessly as his claws tore through Zabes muscles, rending them useless Had he the ability to fight back, he would have, but as his blood dripped to the ground, he sank to his knees wimpering. The will to fight had left him, and he only wished to end his pain. As his world grew ever darker, he smiled, knowing he would soon rest peacefully.
Spellcheck is your friend. It's lonely. Won't you go to it?
Holding back the more horrible criticisms because once I let them out, there is no stopping me. I'll tear into you like a falling piece of sheet metal into an innocent, eight-year-old back.
Let loose SolNicole, she can handle it.
I typed this in the reply box, no spell check [ 09-09-2003: Message edited by: Zabe The Confused ]
Fear what you have unleashed.
One, if you ever, EVER intend to write again I expect you to put yourself through an editing process so masochistic you'll have porn mag writers begging you for interviews. If this is an example of your normal writing - nay, the writing you display and are PROUD of, I demand you be nothing less than sadistic with yourself.
Two, who the fuck is the character? We get no sense of who or what he is, what matters with his family, and yet we're expected to actually give a shit when he dies? Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo stick made of disembodied cunts on the moon, why the fuck should we CARE? What makes this particular character unique and interesting... what makes their PERSONALITY worth giving a damn about? Death is one of those things tragically abused in literature: When used right, it can be this brilliant, tragic bit of reading... but it's quite often used wrong, either as a random bit of slaughter or plot, or doled out to characters we either don't care a damn thing about or made utterly pointless in the course of the reading. You don't do death right.
Three, that's not a story. That's a paragraph. Short short stories are a good thing, but they're usually accompanied by some sort of twist to make the whole thing worth reading. If you actually consider the character's death a sufficient twist, you need more help than I can give you, friend. Help only the claw end of the hammer can give. On one hand, I'm bitterly disappointed you chose to put this scene, this scene which SHOULD have been epicly long into a fucking PARAGRAPH... and on the other hand I'm very, very glad I wasn't forced to read more of the homespun bullshit you call writing.
Four, you obviously intend to be this shitload of backstory between the dragons and the brothers and the whatnot but you do not enlighten us as to what this backstory is. THIS IS A BAD THING. Mystery is good, but leaving your readers in the dark is yet another pitfall shitty writers fall into. Another thing which could be improved by more length... but then again, you want to make it something someone wants to read.
You see, your writing style sucks. Sucks worse than Snoota on your dad's shitstained cock. Your imagery isn't just dead, it's being ritualistically corpsefucked by Taran. DO you even know the definition of simile and metaphor? Do you EVER intend to use these very nice writing tools in your work? I suggest it. It tends to, oh, make writing worth reading. Avoid cliches. Like this entire story. The whole angsty brother-killing thing has been done to death. Characters which are dragons, unless written VERY well (hint: you do not write very well), tend to bite more cock than your mom. Once you come up with an original idea, THEN you can begin writing.
Oh, and remember what I said about the spellcheck? Use it. Use it twice, three times, four times for good luck, because your spelling and grammar is so atrocious I think your spellcheck might physically manifest, get brain seizures, hemmorhage and die.
And as I'm so tired the world is spinning right now, I think I'm going to stop.
Remember: Second, third, eighty-fifth drafts are your friends. Use them. Make new friends! Every little draft can be another happy little Draft Smurf in the Smurf Forest of your hard drive. Don't you want there to be more so they can have more friends?
Jeez, fatigue is making me loopy. No more typing for me. [ 09-09-2003: Message edited by: Nicole ]
That's something a lot like Tolkien...if Tolkien had no talent, no good idea, no real plot, uninteresting characters, and the story structure of a kid with mittens safety-pinned to his jacket.
You've got a ways to go. But everything looks a lot better with proper grammar, spelling and structure. Start with that.
So tired I hit the wrong button. [ 09-09-2003: Message edited by: Nicole ]
My take? It wasn't very good, sorry.
I would suggest, as Nicole has, to write something a bit longer so you can develop characters and a story that we really care about. Your story just threw names at us and then got them into typo filled battles. [ 09-09-2003: Message edited by: Zair ]
"But" is a devil of a word that you should leave out as much as possible. Instead, you could have something like, "His pleads fell on deaf ears as the other broodlings closed in, snapping viciously. He realized that he would have to fight, against his feelings, despite his love." - the other sentence trivializes the main point of the story, the fact that he didn't want to fight.
You also make too much repetive use of certain words such as "brother". Variation is the key, the reader must constantly feel they are reading something new.
quote:
Snoota spewed forth this undeniable truth:
If Chewbacca is from Kashyyyk, you must aquit. I say, if Chewbacca is a Wookie you must vote with your heart; not guilty.
holy shit... Snoota broke out the Chewbacca defense..
You need to organize. Your story jumped around, as you tried to throw in vague references to character background and personality at random points. Where'd he come from? Why is he running? Why did his 'brothers' (fellows of his brood) give a damn when he ran away? Why does he feel emotion, and when did it start? Designate a unified section of the story (read: paragraph or two) to providing these sorts of details. You can do it in the middle if necessary, but make sure you do it at an appropriate point, preferably as an interlude between the action scenes. Flashbacks work well.
Distinguish what makes him special, in detail. How'd he learn to fight so much better than his brethren? Why is this last one able to kill him so easily? It sounds from how you wrote it like, "The hero is stronger by far than all the others combined, except for this one that totally kicks his ass." There's no explanation, just... bob=dead, jim=dead, billy=dead, sam=dead... crap it's joe, hero=dead.
Were they all surrounding him at once, or did they catch him one at a time? We don't get a picture of the scene other than kill-kill-kill-kill-cry-kill-shit-dead. We got "now he's cornered", but how'd he get cornered? Is he literally in a corner, or at the end of a dead-end corridor, and they're just walking up to him one at a time, trying to suffocate him with their own corpses as he kills them off? Is he surrounded in the open by a ring of his 'brothers'? If so, why doesn't he just run away from mister shiny-eyes at the end?
In summary, explanation is your friend. You open with, "For in fact, he was not human," and a few other random tidbits, but other than that, you're giving the end of the story with a skeleton beginning and no middle at all.
