"Does sour cream come on a sourdough burger?"
"What kind of bread does a Crossian'wich come on?"
Sadly, these are both true and serious statements made by people.
quote:
Comrade Snoota had this to say about Matthew Broderick:
You have not yet begun to feel the pain of customers if that is all you can come up with.
1) I've only been working there a year and didn't want to remember anything further back than necessary.
2) Those are both from today.
Edit - Also, if thou art so high and mighty with the dealage of stupidity. Post some dumb questions like the thread asked. [ 06-28-2003: Message edited by: Mr Gainsborough ]
Our speaker is broke at work in the drive thru. It works fine, but it looks really fucked up. Some dumb ass ran it over with his truck.
Since then I have repeatedly heard the stupidest question ever uttered to a fellow human being.
Me: Hi! Welcome to McDonald's, would you like to try one of our new Premium Salads today?(I've never sold one of those God damn salads, but the district supervisor lives nearby and likes to surprise us and yell at all us Management peoples if we're caught not doing it -ed!)
Them: Hey, does this thing work?
One time I told them no and they actually pulled forward to the window to order. 
1. so its soem sort of comedian cathering right?
and muchmuch worse
2. they sell antiques right?
quote:
How.... Comrade Snoota.... uughhhhhh:
Them: Hey, does this thing work?
OK, that's nice. I'll give you credit for that. *clap clap clap*
Back to the stupid.
When I first pitched it to you, I told you it was a deal for the month of June. Check today's date. Is it still June? THEN YES, WE HAVE IT.
and 90% of the time, they bring in the actual coupon. The one that says, in great big letters at the top, "FREE PIZZA IN JUNE!" [ 06-28-2003: Message edited by: Veruca Salt ]
Montreal (I live in windsor, and montreal is a 10+ hour drive away, and yes, they really did want montreal)
Canada (sir, you're IN canada)
Prostitutes (yes, I've had several different people come in asking where they could hire a woman to have sex with them, and every time I state "I wouldn't know sir, I don't pay for it")
drugs. (Same as above.)
No, Really. Bite me.
I had a call from a man telling me he'd set his sattelite recievers on fire because our service "is shit". Nevertheless he demanded new ones.
One I get CONSTANTLY is from people asking me if I can give them a lower price on what they're already subscribed to, and get pissed when I suggest they quit ordering $40 wrestling pay per views every month or drop a premium package. DOES THIS MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!? Have you been doing business exclusively with CAR SALESMEN your ENTIRE LIFE? Do you go to Wal*Mart and try to haggle over the price of a fucking VCR!?
One of these days I swear I'm going to put on a cheesey mary-poppins-british accent and say "Jiminy Cricket you drive a hard bargain mista! I'll throw in a free chimney sweep I will!"
People claiming they didn't order those adult pay per views on thier bill. "Well, I'm sure you didn't sir. Is there something I can help you with?"
People who demand free stuff because they're "valued customers". Hint hint: If you're demanding free stuff you're no longer a valued customer.
(While on Sunday morning breakfast/lunch rush, I'm working podium. Lobby is completely full of people, there are no places left to sit, and many people are sitting outside.)
Me: Hello, how many in your party?
Stupid Fuck: 4.
Me: Your name?
SF: THERE'S A WAIT?!
Me: (Sarcastically) No ma'am, all these people are here to enjoy my wit and charm. 
SF: Ok, I want a booth then.
And then there's the customer that complained to the manager how his ommelette tasted like eggs... I didn't have to deal with that waste of matter, yet I still wanted to throttle him from just overhearing...
"Blockbuster After hours!"
"You're closed?"
Okay I know they could be surprised because they missed us closing but this has followed on more than one occaision:
"Do you have the most popular first-week movie in stock now that it's 12:30am on Saturday morning?"
"Nope"
"Oh... can you check my account?"
"Computers are down for the day."
"... Cuz I think I have a late fee..."
"Which I can't help you with since the computers are down for the day."
"Can I run down and rent... I know what I want I swear!"
"THE COMPUTERS ARE DOWN FOR THE DAY."
"oh... well can't you just give it to me?"
*sounds of head beating against counter.* [ 06-29-2003: Message edited by: Kermitov ]
sigpic courtesy of This Guy, original modified by me
"Thank you for calling QuikChek, store #49, Ernston Road. This is Robert"
"Yea.. is Vinnie there?"
"I'm sorry, there's nobody here by that name."
" ... What do ya mean, isn't this the Sunoco on route #35?"
*click*
"Do you have a restroom here?"
"Nah, we just whizz in a can when we have to go. Here's your sign."
"How long does the 12-hour sale last?"
"I'd like to return this."
"Sure; just fill out this form, please."
[glare] "I want to speak to your manager."
EDIT: And here's an honest question. Has anyone ever shopped at a store where you did returns at the regular cashier stations? [ 06-29-2003: Message edited by: Sentow, Maybe ]
"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut in Mustang, this is Monica, how can I help you?"
"Alright, I want to order a large pizza with pepperoni......."
"And what kind of crust would you like that on?"
".... and I'd also like a medium supreme..."
"Ma'am? What kind of crust would you like on the pepperoni?"
"Ooo, and I'd like a large order of cheesy breadsticks!"
"I'm sorry, what kind of crust did you want the pepperoni on?"
It also pisses me off to no end when people call in an order and have no clue what they want. Or when they suddenly decide they don't want pizza after all and just hang up.
There was one guy that called three fucking times:
"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut in Mustang, this is Monica, how can I help you?"
"Yeah I have a coupon here for two medium 1-toppings for $10.99"
(I proceed to take his order... he gives me his phone number.)
"Yeah, can we get that delivered?"
"I'm sorry, but that deal is only available for carry-out."
"Okay... well... the name is Treadwell. We'll be there in 30 minutes."
Then he calls back and tries to get me to set it to delivery for him. I tell him again that the deal is for carry-out only, and not just that, but he lives outside of our delivery boundaries. He tells me to cancel the order. Then he calls back AGAIN and we have the exact same conversation with him telling me to cancel his order AGAIN.
quote:
Sentow, Maybe was listening to Cher while typing:
EDIT: And here's an honest question. Has anyone ever shopped at a store where you did returns at the regular cashier stations?
I work at a place where returns are done like that.
*him with a holier than though look on face pointing at the screen*
"How do you remove an item from your list that isn't on the list"
*Me, not even turning to acknowledge him*
"You can't, it has to be on the list in the first place, or it isn't there to be removed"
*him, like he's suddenly a genius*
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh"
[ 06-29-2003: Message edited by: diadem ]
you can't make this shit up
At this point I start to worry. I'm apologizing profusely and trying to offer him a solution that will make him happy. If it was one of my people that did it and he cut his finger off then we're going to have legal trouble and heads may roll. I'm trying to find this guy's account which he says he bought it on but I can't find it. Finally I ask if he's sure he bought it at this store.
"Isn't this the Silver Creek store?"
"No, this is the Stevens Creek store."
"Get me the number for the Silver Creek store."
Now I don't have a complete list of numbers, all I have is the stores immediately around ours and the Silver Creek blockbuster is all the way across town. So I told him that I didn't have it handy but information (you know, 411) should have it.
He proceeded to yell at me for 10 minutes about "protecting them and trying to confuse him" blahblahblahblahblah I finally hung up on him.
First, you can force the DVD cases open with your bare hands, there's no need for a knife.
Second, you might want to make sure you're calling the right store before you subject the poor manager there to your tirade about how you're going to sue and we'll all be fired when he doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about.
--It's free you dumb fuck.
"Are there any drinks offers on?"
--Are there any signs? Anything that says "CHEAP BEER!" by the bar? No? What do you think?
"Can't you remember what I ordered last time?"
--Sir, there are 150 people in this bar. Oh wait, just let me get my crystal ball outta my knickers and find out.
quote:
leckzilla! impressed everyone with:
"How much is your tap water?"--It's free you dumb fuck.
Some places charge..
quote:
Do you work here?
Makes my brain bleed.
The reactions were amusing to say the least..
quote:
Mortious obviously shouldn't have said:
Some places charge..
They're breaking the law then.
me: ... appointment? We don't take appointments...
them: Isn't this Hair Chair?
Mind you there's a huge sign outside that says "PLAYSPACE" and a sign behind me that says it as well.
AND NO ONE COULD READ THE DAMNED SIGNS!!! I don't know how many times I had to tell people "No, you cannot drop your kid off if he's wearing diapers." Or "No, you cannot drop your kid off and go to Seattle."
Them: What? I have to stay in this mall? I have errons to do!
Me: We're a service of this mall ma'am, not a full fledged babysitting service.
Them: No, you're to lazy to watch my children!
Me: No, we're not liscensed to be a full fledged daycare because we are a service of this mall.
Them: ...
Me: ...
Them: Fine, I'll drop them off and stay in the mall.
Me: Ok, but if you get caught leaving the mall we do call he police for child abandonment. (I say taht because I *know* they are leaving the mall anyways, this gets them to think twice.)
Them: that's a stupid thing to do! *leaves*
quote:
Aury was listening to Cher while typing:
*grins*do you work here?
Makes my brain bleed.
[ 06-29-2003: Message edited by: Kermitov ]
Oh I love that one. I mean I'm only wearing a nametag that says "Warn: Management" and a blue and gold shirt that says "Blockbuster Management Team" and carrying a stack of tapes taller than I am. Nope... just renting...
*unloads milk into the coolers on a Saturday morning, and an older lady asks*
Old Lady: Excuse me sir, but is this milk new?
Me: Yes
Old Lady: How new is it
Me: I just unloaded it from the truck 5 minutes ago
Old Lady: You mean the big one outside?
Me: Yes...
If this is true, then why do we fear it?
Can I send email to my sister? "Yes ma'am. All you have to have is her email address." I have her street address, does that count? "Nope." What about her phone number?
Do I have to be logged in to use the internet?
What do you mean I have to connect the phone to my computer?
Where'd all my email go? I used to get tons of it a day and I haven't had any in a week! "We implemented server-based spam filtering last week." But I don't get email anymore. "Sound like most of the email you were getting was spam." Your server has to be broken. "Well, let me see if I can send you a message. What's your email address?" Email address? What's that?
Can you tell me how to get to www.google.com? Someone said I could find porn there. (This is not a lie.)
Can I get internet service with you? "Yes you can, we just need you to fill out some minor paperwork. Could you come into our office?" Nah, I don't wanna leave the house, can't you fill it out for me? "Unfortunately it requires your signature on it." .... so you can't fill it out? "Not without forging your signature on it." Oh I don't mind....
What do you mean you can't put the Internet on my TV? My friend has the internet on his TV! "Does he have a computer or a WebTV?" He's got one of them webtv thingies and said that he's gettin the internet from you guys. "Ok, we don't sell the WebTV box. You'd have to get one from MSN. We can provide internet service once you have one." This is bullshit, you're just too lazy to sell me one.
Brian, get this computer setup for the internet. "Huh? That's a P60 with 16Mb of RAM, what do you expect me to do with it?" Make it dial in! "Yeah, that's about all it will do..."
And of course we have one user who is convinced that her being online and "spreading the word of god" has attracted the attention of the porn industry and they're paying hackers to make sure she can't do what she wants to do, which is send bigass HTML emails to annoy people.
*I finish setting up the computer*
Her: What do you know about these viruses you can get from email?
Me: They can really mess up your computer. Just dont open email if you dont know who its from. You can also get them from downloading the wrong thing.
Her: Now can they actually be fatal?
Customer: Are you still open.
Me: *Looks around the store, all cashiers are gone, all the sections have been closed down and theres only about 8 workers with in site and Im throwing out the bread and buns* Uh yes.
Customer: *Points at window display of pastry* Ill have one of those, two of these and One of those things...
Me: Um which pastry sir?
Customer: What do you mean which one.. *points in general direction of pastries* Those ones.
Customer: Is there custard in your custard slices?
Me: *Bangs head against counter* [ 06-29-2003: Message edited by: BlueMage ]
Huk on foniks werk fer me [ 06-29-2003: Message edited by: Freschel Spindrift ]
[ 06-29-2003: Message edited by: Death of Rats ]
I also had a customer that told me wouldn't eat any of that damn, wussy holed french swiss cheese, and we should stop selling it, and supoort our country by selling only amercain cheese.
quote:
KaLourin said this about your mom:
wow.. SWISS cheese is french!? woooo
The Swiss foreign exchange student told me it was from Switzerland. What a bastard.
.png)
quote:
leckzilla! impressed everyone with:
"How much is your tap water?"
--It's free you dumb fuck.
quote:
Mortious had this to say about Captain Planet:
Some places charge..
there are bars/nightclubs here that only have hot water (ie. just shy of boiling, hot enough to wash your hands, but not to drink) in the restrooms to force folks to buy the bottled water (not tapwater)... and then charge $7.50 for a a small bottle the size of a Coke can.
As for customer stories, you dont get many working as Fire Dept Dispatch, but a couple of good ones I remember are:
Lady> (sleepily) Hullo?
Me> Hello ma'am, this is the Fire Brigade can I speak to Mr John Smith
Lady> (now Irate) Do you know what time it is? Why are you calling my husband at 2 o'clock in the morning?? (insert more assorted rantings about how I'm apparently having an affair with her husband, ending with) ..you little tramp, who are you?
Me> (looking at clock on computer) Actually m'am, it's only 10.30pm. As I said this is the FIRE BRIGADE, and I need to talk to your husband as he's the owner of the STORE THAT'S BURNING DOWN!!
Lady> (silence for like 10 seconds) Oh.... just a moment..
Me> Hello sir, this is the Fire Brigade. I'm ringing to advise that your store has been damaged due to a car driving through the front window, and the Police and Fire Brigade are requesting you attend so yopu can make arrangements to resecure your store.
Man> Do I hafta come down?
Me> Well no... but the crowd that's gathered around is getting some good discounts from the stuff in your store...
Man> I'll be right down!!
"This internet thing, I can take it with me wherever I go, right?"
"Well, you can take it with you on a laptop and use it wherever there's telephone access."
"You mean I can't just print it out and take it with me?"
"Yes, I spilled some juice on my computer and now it won't work. I want you to replace it."
"Ma'am, this is internet support, we only fix problems with the internet. That's something you'll have to speak with your PC's manufacturer about."
"But I can't get on the internet so you have to fix it! Send me a new computer right now!"
"I can't get my internet to workin'!"
"Okay, sir, what happens when you try to connect?"
"Nothin'! Nothin' Happens!"
"What happens when you click the icon?"
"Click? Whudduyou mean, click?"
"Well, click it with the mouse while the pointer is on it."
"The mouse? What mouse?"
<I describe the mouse>
"What, that thang? Ah threw it away, that and that peice that had all 'em little letters an' numbers on it. They took up too much space! Ah didn' like 'em so I tossed 'em! Do I need 'em fer sumthin'?"
And that's only the tip of the iceberg... I have such stories I could tell...
