Your computer screen briefly flashes the spinning of a black and while logo, which quickly rights itself... and again because it tilted... proudly displaying the EC logo.
Welcome to the Evercrest News Network! Join our anchors, Vorago Russell and Terena Gonzales. Biff Demitri on Sports! Stu Arttemis on Weather!
NO ONE BREAKS NEWS LIKE WE DO!
The camera slowly fades from darkness to viewing a desk with two people chatting calmly to each other. One is male, with a KFC bucket upside down on his head and dressed in a rather expensive suit. The other is female, wearing what appears to be a Japanese schoolgirl outfit, with unruly hair. As the camera begins to zoom in on them, they stop chatting and face the camera.
Vorago: Hello and good evening, my fellow citizens of Evercrest. I'm Vorago Russell and this... <insert dramatic pause> is the news.
Terena: Whatever.
Vorago: Today's top stories are interesting indeed. We have a sad story about a young portly prairie dog suffering from anal leakage due to WOW Chips! We've also got an update on the Taran/Drysart war with some insight from one of our field reporters. Then we have a fan favorite report at a local bakery with our very own newscaster, Kagrama Mcfrugalauchenlitzenstein. This should be a very interesting day, wouldn't you agree, Terena?
Terena: From what I've heard.
Vorago: Okay then! But first, a bit of weather from our resident Meteorologist, Stu Arttemis!
The camera spins wide and there's a very slender man in glasses with a laser pointer and a big grin on his face standing in front of a wall with a strange map on it.
Arttemis: Thanks, Vorago and Terena! Today is going to be one heck of a day here in Evercrest, as I've never seen anything like it!
The man begins pointing his laser pointer all over the map on the wall behind him with little to no method or order.
Arttemis: Over here, there's a large storm gathering as two forces of nature clash! Watch out for large feet if you're in the area! Mortious and Mightion have been at it all morning! Don't get stepped on! And over here, the cows are mooing! But in this area of town, I hear that it's raining Bloodsages and Khyrons! Don't step in a poodle! hahahah! In this area over here, there's a series of Pvednadoes picking up unexpecting people and launching them into Kansas! But here in ENN, the weather is soooo nice. I hope YOU have a great day!
When he says 'you,' he points the laser at the camera for emphasis, causing many people to double over, yelling "Ow, my eye!" The cameraman switches back to Vorago and Terena as quickly as he can.
Terena: How exciting.
Vorago: Indeed! In our first story today, we have a very sad story about an ill-fated prairie dog and a bag of chips.
A screen on the wall behind Vorago flickers to life, showing a stillshot of a prairie dog and a bag of WOW chips.
Vorago: Young Parcelan McParcington bought a bag of chips from the local Karnaj Grocery by his house, merely because he felt the pangs of hunger for snacks. Unfortunately, this Karnaj Grocery only stocked WOW Chips, which are known for causing loose stool. Very loose. Only a few hours later, Mr. Parcington was rushed to the hospital and shoved into a toilet before he pooed all over Evercrest. He is reported in stable condition and cards can be sent to the BlackMage Hospital for the Doomed. Mr. Karnaj was unavailable for comment.
Another stillshot of a man sitting on a toilet with his hand outstretched towards the camera, blocking his face from view.
Terena: He's a freak.
Vorago: Ha ha! And now to Biff Demitri for sports!
The camera fades out to black and then fades back in to a man sitting in a recliner in front of a big screen television. He hits a button on the side and the chair slowly spins to face the camera.
D: Yo.
He aims the remote over his shoulder and deftly flicks channels a bit to bring up a scoreboard.
D: Some teams beat other teams in all the different sports. I'm not really sure about it all, I was playing Max Payne 2: A Love Story. Gets me all teary eyed when Max and his woman kill people together. So romantic.
He wipes a tear away.
D: There's some more games on tonight if you wanna watch them. Me, I've got a date with new Half-Life mod where I get to be in the space militia, beating up innocent civilians for protection money while shooting up local bars when I get drunk. It looks to be promising. LASHANNA, GET ME SOMETHING TO DRINK!
From somewhere offscreen, he gets a reply, also yelled. "Get it yourself, pig! I'm playin D&D with Za and Addy!
D: BUT I'M SITTING! Back to you, Vorago.
The camera fades back to black just as a bottle is seen bouncing off of D's head with a loud POK noise.
Vorago: When we return, an uplifting story about baked goods with Katrinity's Bakery of Happiness! And now a word from our sponsors.
Terena: Yippee.
Fade to black for commercial.
To be continued?
They don't check out.
Work is that boring eh? Best of luck 
I don't think you could have possibly improved upon Terena's lines in this, hehe
This crap ain't news! It's just a buch of stuff that's happening in difference places! 
voet 5!!
--Satan, quoted by John Milton
quote:
Random Insanity Generator had this to say about John Romero:
This crap ain't news! It's just a buch of stuff that's happening in difference places!
voet 5!!
HAR!
Thinking about your posts
(and billing you for it) since 2001
Nice work Bajah
quote:
Evercrest News Network stopped staring at Deedlit long enough to write:
Before anyone asks, this is Bajah and not some newb trying to make a big entrance... I renamed my Hajab account for humor!.. and I was bored.
The silver name, and title tipped me off.
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The camera pans in on the computer user, who smiles and looks towards the viewers.
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He goes back to typing away on the keyboard, his facial expression occasionally changing from happiness to rage to sad to angry again.
Voiceover: For only three low payment of $19.95, you too can be the proud owner of a Random Insanity Generator. CashcheckormoneyordersonlysorrynoCODsillegalinsomestatesifrashoccurscheckwithyourphysicianuseasdirectednorefundscompanynotliableforinjuryusingproduct
The camera fades back out as we return to the Evercrest News Network. The silhouettes of Vorago Russell and Terena Gonzales are sitting at the desk as the lights brighten to see them ready for action.
Vorago: Welcome back, viewers! As promised, we have a live feed with our reporter in the field, Kagrama Mcfrugalauchenlitzenstein. He's on location at Katrinity's Bakery of Happiness in downtown Evercrest. Kagrama, can you hear us?
The screen shifts to a somewhat grainy view of a half-crazed looking stick figure with a wide torso and a microphone. He's holding a cookie with a bite missing and he has a milk moustache.
Kagrama: HAELOS!!1
Terena: Not this again.
Kagrama: EYE AM HEER AT KAERTINES BAKKRI OF HAEPINESS!!!11 Thear aer manne cooikes and taht is abotu it!!1 Weiht me is teh foexlaedy hersefl!!1
He motions to the right and pushes his microphone towards a rather good looking young woman with kitsune features and numerous tails flowing behind her.
Kagrama: MSSI KAETNIRTY!! wuodl yuo saey taht I aem a SAEXY BAEST!?!!1
She looks startled for a moment, not expecting the question.
Katrinity: You're such a cutie! Have another cookie! ^.^
Kagrama: YUO ADMIT IT!
Katrinity dances joyfully in the background, tossing cookies to everyone gathering outside her shop as Kagrama chops the cookies in the foreground, dropping his microphone to the ground to chug more milk. The camera follows him as he finishes and gets on his hands and knees to scream into the microphone, milk spittle flying out of his mouth.
Kagrama: THAER YUO HAEV IT!!1 I am vaery sexaey baest maen wiht cooekis to eate!!!!!111 THIS IS KAEGRAAM MACFROEGALAUSCHEANLIETZEANSTAEINEoho!!1 BAECK TO YUO FRAEINDS!!!1
The scene shifts back to the newsroom where Vorago looks stunned, but smiling. Terena is picking her fingernails with a pocketknife.
Terena: I'm not sure why, but I want rabid dogs to eat his face.
Vorago: Ha ha! Terena, always the kidder! Our next report comes from our Eye in the Sky, overlooking traffic and keeping us abreast of any jams or accidents on the freeway! Take it away, Delphi!
Terena: I'm not kidding.
The camera switches to a long haired man wearing a big cumbersome headseat, staring at the camera and saying nothing, yet holding a microphone... he's obviously sitting in the cockpit of a news Helicopter.
Vorago: Delphi? Are you with us?
Delphi: Did you say 'a breast?'
He continues staring into the camera.
Vorago: No, I said 'abreast.' Nevermind. What do you have for us in the world of traffic?
Delphi: There are many breasts on the road today. I can see down a few shirts. I like this job.
Terena: Just give the report before I kill you.
Delphi: You can't kill me, I'm the king of the skies! I rule! No one can outfly me in... er, anyone else hear that?
Vorago: Hear what?
Delphi: I dunno. Like... OH GOD! IT'S THE RED LED! SHE'S THE SCOURGE OF THE SKIES! SOMEONE HELP ME SOME PLEASE HE...................
Delphi's screams for help are interlaced with gunfire and music blaring from the speakers mounted to his pursuer's Apache helicopter. You hear "DIE FUCKER" just as Delphi's scream cuts off and the screen switches to static. The camera pans back to Vorago and Terena. Vorago seems to be sighing and counting out money before handing it over to Terena.
Terena: Told you.
Vorago: Well, ladies and gentleman, we're now hiring for a new traffic reporter. Anyone interested, please apply in person with our HR department, attention "Eye in the Sky," care of Snoota McSnoots, HR Director.
Terena: Cut to commercial.
The scene doesn't change.
Terena: Obviously deaf.
Terena gets up and walks over to the cameraman.
Vorago: After this message from our sponsor, we'll keep you updated on the war between Taran and Drysart! Stay tu...
Vorago's ending message is cut off in a male's gutteral cry of pain, followed by a quick disconnection of the camera's feed.
To be continued? [ 06-03-2003: Message edited by: Evercrest News Network ]
*applauds wildly* Comedy platinum!
quote:
So quoth Xyrra:
*applauds wildly* Comedy platinum!
Omg Xyrra, I'm lonely.. Hurry up and get south already. 
P.S. Where the hell have you been.
quote:
Tristan had this to say about Robocop:
Well, because it's open, I would like to apply for the traffic postion
Not me.. Sex in copter is not as fun, and can't do traffic from a jet... No fun for Faelynn.
Damnit I was promised 15 minutes!! Where's my agent?
Good stuff Baj... Can't wait for the update on the D/T War...
5!
No, Really. Bite me.
This must continue!
quote:
We were all impressed when Evercrest News Network wrote:
D: Some teams beat other teams in all the different sports. I'm not really sure about it all, I was playing Max Payne 2: A Love Story. Gets me all teary eyed when Max and his woman kill people together. So romantic.
Yeah, I can see this.
Very nice.
And I certainly don't want a part in a future one. [ 06-03-2003: Message edited by: Where's Waisz? ]
I'm an individual. Just like everyone else!
quote:
Beaukat a.k.a Nibbles had this to say about Pirotess:
Can I apply for the copter job?
Only if I can push you out of it mid-flight!
quote:
A sleep deprived D stammered:
Only if I can push you out of it mid-flight!
I'm an individual. Just like everyone else!
quote:I'd be mad, too.
Beaukat a.k.a Nibbles's fortune cookie read:
That is, if Sean pushed you out before you or I could get a crack at it. After all, what kind of goth doesn't want to toss itself out of a helicopter?!
I'm not Goth.
I'M NOT GOTH!
got it now?
quote:Sorry, couldn't hear you over the sheer levels of angst and black makeup.
Beaukat a.k.a Nibbles stopped staring at Deedlit long enough to write:
I'm not goth.I'm not Goth.
I'M NOT GOTH!
got it now?
