Most of you are familiar with my henchman, Zaile. He's an EverQuest character that spends most of his time trying to look impressive and wishing that his warder wasn't more of a man than he is.
Zaile: HEY!
Well, last night I got him stoned on some catnip wine, and drug him out here. ("Here" being kinda vague, for reasons of fun.) Once here, I bound him to this spot, and took away his weapons and armor.
Zaile: And I'm still wondering why you did that...
Well, if you check the thread title, you'll see mention made of some beatings. With Zaile here, we have someone that everyone can have fun beating the living crap out of (in whatever way they choose), only to have him respawn right here for some more fun.
Zaile: Oh shit...
His warder's currenly off enjoying the rest of that catnip wine, and I hid his spell book, so he's pretty defenceless. Everyone, feel free to have as many goes at him as it takes for you to get into a happy mood.
No matter what the RQG may say, in this thread, you don't have to stop beating up the furry to make a reply.
Mommy..?
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
We can have our pets play!
sigpic courtesy of This Guy, original modified by me
quote:
Ja'Deth Issar Ka'bael had this to say about Duck Tales:
*Releases the Hound (an Arrenn/Pit Bull hybrid creature wearing a bladed bodysuit) on Zaile*We can have our pets play!
*disappears into a whirling mass of fur, teeth, and blades*
Ahh, not the face! Not the face!
*wet ripping sounds can be heard*
Arrgh! Not there either!
*bits of black fur go flying*
Garrgle...!
The dust settles, and the hound walks out carrying in his mouth what appears to be a Vah Shir leg bone. Moments later, Zaile respawns, his eyes wide with shock and fear.
I think... I think I've changed my mind about Gnolls being Player Characters. I think I just got a phobia about dogs...
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
Finally! A captive audience for my blacksmithing stories!
* pulls out a picture of a rather ordinary looking two handed sword
This, was the first weapon I ever made... I made this sword for a low level ranger in my guild who couldn't find a decent two hander... I remember this one well; had to search ALL over West Karana for the mold vendor, but at least I got a skill up to 80... then I went back to Freeport to making skewers.
It was hard to stay focused on skewers knowing that pots and then sewing kits were waiting for me before I could get around to the holy grail; banded armor!
Say; that reminds me... did I ever tell ya about the first piece of fine plate I made...?
Muhahaha! The mad balloon bomber strikes again!!
*pulls out her water guns and opens fires on Zail using the highest pressure possible*
For good messure! 
*edit* woo! only... one word I noticed! heh.. heh.. heh.. [ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Aanile ]
quote:
Mightion Defensor's fortune cookie read:
* walks up to the bound Vah Shir, and looks at him oddly for a few moments, then shrugs. Putting away his weapons, he pulls out what looks to be a scrapbookFinally! A captive audience for my blacksmithing stories!
Zaile reguards Mightion nerviously.
Blacksmithing? That shouldn't be too bad, I guess. Melted metal and fire, there's got to be something interesting there, right?
quote:
* pulls out a picture of a rather ordinary looking two handed swordThis, was the first weapon I ever made... I made this sword for a low level ranger in my guild who couldn't find a decent two hander... I remember this one well; had to search ALL over West Karana for the mold vendor, but at least I got a skill up to 80... then I went back to Freeport to making skewers.
*whimpers, ears and whiskers drooping*
quote:
It was hard to stay focused on skewers knowing that pots and then sewing kits were waiting for me before I could get around to the holy grail; banded armor!
*whines* Please, no more. My brain is bleeding out my ears.
quote:
Say; that reminds me... did I ever tell ya about the first piece of fine plate I made...?
*drools quietly, his mind having turned to Jell-O*
Several minutes pass, and Zaile's damaged brain eventually forgets that he needs to breathe. Soon after, he respawns.
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
quote:
Aanile wrote this stupid crap:
*assaults Zaile with a torrent of water balloons and paint balloons"Muhahaha! The mad balloon bomber strikes again!!
No, stop! I'm tied up, I can't shake!
quote:
*pulls out her water guns and opens fires on Zaile using the highest pressure possible*For good messure!
Zaile tries to shake the water and paint off, but he is too securely bound to move. He tries to bend his head down to lick some of it off, but his efforts are in vain. He stands there, a helpless and soggy kitty.
Arrgh! Sombody help me! A paper towel. A hairdryer. A fireball. ANYTHING! I'm WET!
*whimper* please?
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
[ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Sakkra ]
quote:
Sakkra got all f'ed up on Angel Dust and wrote:
Well, being the kind person I am, I have just the thing to dry you off. No no, it's not a towel silly, it's a 23.7 terawatt orbital laser. This baby has enough energy not only to get the water off ya, but to decompose it into its basic subatomic particles. Just hold still a bit. :: presses various buttons on a remote control, and dons some shades::
*drip* *drip*
I don't care, just get me dry!
Several pinpoints of red light appear on the ground around Zaile. As he watches, they move around for a few seconds, then they all move to the top of his head. He looks up, and the red dots all join together right between his eyes. A soft, white glow comes down from the clouds, and encloses him in a shaft of light.
Ohhh... that feels good. It's like a sunbeam, only better. I didn't know Orbital Death Lasers had a "warm" setting.
Suddenly, a large blast of light, brighter than the sun, fills the area. When it fades away, there's nothing left of Zaile but for the smell of wet and burning fur.
*respawns*
That wasn't funny. I think I'm blind. That's not fair. If I've gone blind, I should have at least been allowed to play with myself first. Isn't that the leading cause of blindness, and allmighty lights from above killing kitties?
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
.Swirly colors envelop the area, quickly fading away to nothingness. They are seemingly unexplained, until the sight of Nicole wielding a sinister-looking staff and gazing wickedly at Zaile emerges from seeming thin air. That was a battle transition.
Nicole raises the staff threateningly, twisting off into shadows only to reappear in front of Zaile and bop him with the staff. A little "12" appears on top of his head, and Nicole jumps back. 12! This should be easy...
... until it's remembered that Nicole is a caster.
Two seconds later, she is surrounded by swirling blotches of light and darkness, and a word appears above her head, announcing the name of the spell as she releases it: "Ultima".
How are you today?
not waiting for an answer he pulls out case of Nair and begins to dump the stuff on the kitty
I'll be back in um looks at bottle 20 minutes.
wanders off and has a nice cold drink then comes back with a hose
Time to rinse.
sprays the kitty with the hose washing all the fur away
Thank you, have a nice day.
quote:
Nicole thought this was the Ricky Martin Fan Club Forum and wrote:
Oh well, why not.
Swirly colors envelop the area, quickly fading away to nothingness. They are seemingly unexplained, until the sight of Nicole wielding a sinister-looking staff and gazing wickedly at Zaile emerges from seeming thin air. That was a battle transition.
A battle transition? Toto, I don't think we're in Norath any more...
quote:
Nicole raises the staff threateningly, twisting off into shadows only to reappear in front of Zaile and bop him with the staff. A little "12" appears on top of his head, and Nicole jumps back. 12! This should be easy...
Look kid, I have hundreds of HP. All you're gonna do is give me a headache.
quote:
... until it's remembered that Nicole is a caster.
She is? Oh oh. Err, when I called you a kid, I meant that in only the nicest and most respectful of ways...
quote:
Two seconds later, she is surrounded by swirling blotches of light and darkness, and a word appears above her head, announcing the name of the spell as she releases it: "Ultima".
Radical magical energies rip Zaile apart, flinging his remains into the air to be carried aloft by the magical vortex that forms from the raw magical power that has been unleashed.
After a couple of seconds, the spell fades away, and Zaile respawns. Then, the rain of black furred Vah Shir McNuggets starts to fall, pelting him on the head.
I think I'm gonna be sick...
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
Why, hello there, Mr. Bigglesworth! Feeling a tad chilly are we? Don't worry, I got just the stuff that'll make you all better!
Holds up a huge can of Ultra-Rogain: Full Body Wash
Now, I don't exactly remember how much water you're supposed to mix with this...but seeing as you're a big kitty and all your fur is gone, lets just go with the formula shall we?
Lathers Zaile up and waits for a few minutes
Um...er...is it supposed to burn like that? Okay, the swellings going down now...Wait, its growing too fast!
Looks at the back of the can
Mix one teaspoon per gallon of water? Well...shit.
[ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Azrael Heavenblade ]
Edit: I take too long to think this stuff up 
*Sees Zailes post and steps out of clawing range*
quote:
Trent wrote, obviously thinking too hard:
walks up to the bound kitty and smilesHow are you today?
Zaile flashes Trent a look of undisguised contempt for even asking that question after what's been done to him.
quote:
not waiting for an answer he pulls out case of Nair and begins to dump the stuff on the kittyI'll be back in um looks at bottle 20 minutes.
wanders off and has a nice cold drink
Ahhh! It BURNS! It burns us!
quote:
then comes back with a hoseTime to rinse.
sprays the kitty with the hose washing all the fur away
Thank you, have a nice day.
*shivers, looking very pathetic and miserable*
The first Ogre that comes up to me and starts doing a Dr Evil impersionation dies. Right after I kill Palador for this.
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
quote:
Azrael Heavenblade got all f'ed up on Angel Dust and wrote:
Looks down at the poor bald kitty all tied upWhy, hello there, Mr. Bigglesworth! Feeling a tad chilly are we? Don't worry, I got just the stuff that'll make you all better!
Holds up a huge can of Ultra-Rogain: Full Body Wash
Now, I don't exactly remember how much water you're supposed to mix with this...but seeing as you're a big kitty and all your fur is gone, lets just go with the formula shall we?
Well, at least you're not an Ogre. Sure, and thanks for the help. It's good to see that someone's willing to be nice.
quote:
Lathers Zaile up and waits for a few minutes
Zaile grins. Well, I think I would have prefered that it be a cute wood elf woman that did that, but I still enjoyed it. Did you? Err, wait, this don't feel right. No, not that, I mean my skin.
quote:
Um...er...is it supposed to burn like that? Okay, the swellings going down now...Wait, its growing too fast!Looks at the back of the can
Mix one teaspoon per gallon of water? Well...shit.
Ack! Too much fur, can't move. Can't see. Hello? Is there anyone still out there? Anyone willing to help me, without hurting me for a change? Anyone? Hello??? [ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Zaile Ronso ]
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
Sure, I can help.
I'll get rid of some fur for ya.
Various screams of pain are heard, as the smell of burnt fur fills the area.
*Whips out a pair of super-charged hedge-clippers, and whistles while taking large chunks of hair off. Suddenly he realizes he won't realize how close he is to the cat before it's too late......*
Edit: Darn, Bajah beat me to it! [ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Demos ]
Nicole ponders for a moment, before grinning and striking the same battle pose. This dosen't bode well... and that point is driven home when unearthly runes and strange symbols claw their way into being around her, flare for a second in brutal symmetry and wink out like dying stars. The cacaphony of symbols whirl around a certain point in front of her, and around her; a second later, she seemingly fades out of existance, and all is silent. Except for a message that blinks far above the battle...
Summon: Edward Scissorhands
A wild-haired, black-garbed Johnny Depp with fakey-looking scars on his face, too much makeup, and a disturbing set of claws in place of fingers wink into existance in the pile of symbols. In a whirring flash of dancing scissor-blades, he works, before stepping back into the flashing summon-symbols and disappearing, leaving Zaile once again back to normal furness... that is, if he was a poodle to begin with...
[ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Nicole ]
Hello. I heard you asking for aid. Need a trim?
*he takes out a sword*
Don't worry, it's sharp I promise and I have a decent enough aim.. and I can patch you up if I miss, but I shouldn't miss. 
*trims the hair from the kitty til it's nice and neat, then glances at the shackles*
I'm sorry, I can't help with those.
*pets the kitty on the head and offers some water and bread*
Was a pleasure to meet you.
We're done now relax as the first band appears. It's The Hansons. (The guy hands you a sheet er no a thick book of who's appearing in the concert, NSYNC, Menudo, New Kids on the Block, Carrot Top's All Star Komedy troupe, Yoko Ono, The Gong Show Rejects...)
(This is not my best disclaimer)
oops [ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Freschel Spindrift ]
The wolf nods, with a wink and a big wolfish grin. Oh, I think it will do just fine!
Trillee pads up to Zail, flashing her fangs with another smile.This shouldn't hurt.. much. And besides, I can frost you down if you get to hot!
She begins to cast a spell, fire surrounds her body, yet not hurting her. At the end of the incantation, the fire leaps from her body, and covers Zail's in a briliant flash.
Finally, everyone backs off to study their work. As the cloud of fur slowly fliters out of the air, what they behold is a miserable wretch of a longhair Vah Shir that appears to have a very advanced case of mange.
quote:
Saith had this to say about John Romero:
*pets the kitty on the head and offers some water and bread*Was a pleasure to meet you.
Thanks.
Zaile leans his head forward slightly to take the offered drink, and his head falls off of his neatly severed neck.
*plop!*
*respawns* [ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Zaile Ronso ]
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
quote:
Freschel Spindrift thought about the meaning of life:
Hi, I hope you don't mind if we put a kick ass rock concert in your area. Good. (Various of stage hands and road crew quickly erected a huge stage, complete with speakers that are about ten stories high).
I guess it would be too much to hope that it's going to be Disaster Area, with Spinal Tap providing the warm up act?
quote:
We're done now relax as the first band appears. It's The Hansons. (The guy hands you a sheet er no a thick book of who's appearing in the concert, NSYNC, Menudo, New Kids on the Block, Carrot Top's All Star Komedy troupe, Yoko Ono, The Gong Show Rejects...)
*whines* Oh gods, kill me now.
After an hour, Zaile is weeping openly.
After two, he's foaming at the mouth.
Three, and his eyes are rolling up into the back of his head, and his ears are bleeding.
From about the fourth hour on, he misses the rest because he managed to bite his own tounge off and bled to death.
After the concert, he finally respawns.
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
quote:
Aanile had this to say about Tron:
Aanile leans close to a larger then normal black wolf. Whatya think Trill, one wildfire should do it?"
Zaile regards you with absolute terror, he should pose no problems.
quote:
The wolf nods, with a wink and a big wolfish grin. Oh, I think it will do just fine!Trillee pads up to Zail, flashing her fangs with another smile.This shouldn't hurt.. much. And besides, I can frost you down if you get to hot!
But..., but you're a Druid. Doesn't that mean that you're supposed to cast just one or two little spells at me, and then run away? Please?
quote:
She begins to cast a spell, fire surrounds her body, yet not hurting her. At the end of the incantation, the fire leaps from her body, and covers Zail's in a briliant flash.
Zaile takes 1024 damage.
Zaile has been slain by Aanile.
You loot a ruined cat pelt.
You loot a catnip mouse.
You loot a large ego.
Zaile respawns.
Please don't let her be a camper, please don't let her be a camper...
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
quote:
Bajah enlisted the help of an infinite number of monkeys to write:
Bajah sets up a TV in front of Zaile, airing Disney cartoons 24/7. And none of the good ones.
Hah! I might have to listen to it, but you can't make me watch it!
Zaile closes his eyes, and starts humming to himself to drown out the sound of the TV.
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
One very disgusting smashing sound later, Zaile is a pancake.
Ahh, now the it's time to play Cat and Mouse, with reversed roles!
*Me whips out a huge mousetrap and snaps it onto Zaile's foot. He then nods and scampers away.*
quote:
Gobog had this to say about Tron:
A massive Half-Orc walks in front of the cat, grinning. "No worry... You not feel a thing," he says.
Why do I not believe you?
quote:
He raises a club larger than he is, with two inscriptions: One in Orc, and one in Common, which reads, "Bash".One very disgusting smashing sound later, Zaile is a pancake.
Zaile respawns, and spends a moment crosseyed.
Oh, my head. I've not had a headache like this since that time I got drunk in Upper Kelethin...and fell on my head.
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
quote:
A sleep deprived Rodent King stammered:
*Scampers up to Zaile, and jumps on his nose.*Ahh, now the it's time to play Cat and Mouse, with reversed roles!
*quickly licks his tounge over his nose, trying to catch the rodent, but only manages to lick him*
Damn.
quote:
*Me whips out a huge mousetrap and snaps it onto Zaile's foot. He then nods and scampers away.*
OWW! You little rat bastard! When I get ahold of you, you're gonna WISH for death before I'm through! I'm gonna skin you alive, and use you as a fang sharpener!
*whimper* I think he broke my toes. [ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Zaile Ronso ]
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
*stares blankly at Zaile for a few moments, as if trying to figure out if there's something he should be doing*
*realizing that there IS something he should be doing, he does it by leaving to continue enjoying the wine and women*
quote:
Warder Japalo's fortune cookie read:
*staggers through, stoned and high, with a bevy of drunk Wood Elf babes surrounding him and lavishing ear scritches and cuddles upon him*
Hello ladies! There's another kitty over here, in dire need of some love and attention.
quote:
*stares blankly at Zaile for a few moments, as if trying to figure out if there's something he should be doing*
Ladies? Anyone? At least unbind me, please?
Japolo, you're not going to leave me like this, are you? Old pal, best friend?
quote:
*realizing that there IS something he should be doing, he does it by leaving to continue enjoying the wine and women*
No! Don't leave me here! Come back! One of you lovely ladies, please come back! Japolo, don't leave me here!
That's it, I'm going to feed you to Vox when I get out of here, you ungratful rattrap!
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
Howitzer..check, gatling gun..check, coup de grace... double check.
The plane begins raining down every shell it has onto and around the poor kitty, shouting "BOOM!" after each hit.
In the last run he fires the largest shell he has on-board, equal to 10x the earlier laser strike. The round hits and creates a huge explosion, a mile in every direction, of pure explodey doom.
I'm done. [ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Jargum ]
[ 01-17-2003: Message edited by: Palador ChibiDragon ]
quote:
Jargum thought this was the Ricky Martin Fan Club Forum and wrote:
Unheard high above, a gunship circles...Howitzer..check, gatling gun..check, coup de grace... double check.
The plane begins raining down every shell it has onto and around the poor kitty, shouting "BOOM!" after each hit.
Hearing the sound of something falling, Zaile looks up.
*dies within the first few impacts*
quote:
In the last run he fires the largest shell he has on-board, equal to 10x the earlier laser strike. The round hits and creates a huge explosion, a mile in every direction, of pure explodey doom.I'm done.
*respawns*
What the hell?
*looks around*
Wow, talk about overkill. I was dead before most of that hit.
*suprised, looks around again*
Hey! They blew up the pillar and chains! I'm outta here!
*runs away*
It is held in thought
only by the understanding
of the Wind.
sigpic courtesy of This Guy, original modified by me
