I don’t know what it is about me. By all things considered, I should be a flourishing individual. I have had all the right qualities and opportunities... But it’s almost as though there’s something vital in others that seems to be absent in me... As if all my other mental machinery is in superior condition, yet this one tiny common screw is loose. I have this lack of willpower... Lack of will to do something... A pessimistic, cynical outlook. I don’t do things often times because I don’t care, or I don’t have the force of self to make myself do it. I guess it’s just laziness... But that doesn’t seem to wkr in my case... I feel horribly anguished afterwards, mentally tormented, but the things I fail to do. But no matter what the pain I go through, I can’t seem to make myself do what I must the next time around.
I’ve thought on it long an hard... I’ve tried all sorts of methods... I’ve even been through professional therapy for it...

At another end, is this sort of view of life... Partially, it stems from this problem. Like I said, I seem to have all the qualities... Except one thing. Everyone reassures me I’ll have a decent job someday, one that will support me, and that I can enjoy, because I’ll just have so many opportunities... But I don’t know. If it was that simple... Then wouldn’t everyone have these jobs? There are far more capable people than me out there working at McDonalds, or taking inventory at Walmart.. While I do have all the right qualifications, it’s again, that one critical flaw in myself, that seems to drop me a level below the rest in situations like that. Nobody seems to recognize it but me... Nobody seems to understand it but me. This would lead some to believe that I’m just overanalyzing a case of chronic laziness out of my own need to make it into a more unconquerable obstacle. But I really think there is something deeper to it than just laziness... For God’s Sake, I hope there is.

And yet another thing... I just don’t feel like there is anything else out there for me... I’m practically at the prime of my life, I have a paid for and established living area, a reasonable social life, and plenty of time (usually) to indulge my entertainment needs. Life seems perfect to me... But the disappointment lies in that it. Will. End. Sooner or later, I ‘ll leave college, and be forced into the real world, so to speak...
Yet that one flaw of mine, my loose screw, seems as though it could spell utter failure for me in the real world... It would be, forgive the lame analogy, as though the hounds of Hell were nipping at my heels, which happen to be my Achilles Heel....
I just feel there’s nothing more out there for me, I have nowhere to go but down, and I can slowly feel myself going down... Some of you thought I was kidding when I said I’d be content to stay in my room for all my days? I wasn’t. It’s a practical paradise... It’s temperature controlled, perfectly, The bed or chair are ultimately relaxing, and between cases of books, and boxes of games, and this computer, there’s all the mental stimulation I’d ever need. It seems so perfect, my life seems so right... That I know it’s only going to get worse. It’ll never be the same. Even if I end up as the wildly successful originator of some runaway success of a product, and never have to work again, it’ll still never be the same.
But that’s far from my hope. There can only be so many of those people... What. Probably about .2% of our society is that group of wildly successful people... No, I’m not so foolish as to believe that the law of averages will make an exception for me. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore... I’ve spoken to a couple of you here about this already....
I’m just afraid that there isn’t anything greater out there for me. I’m afraid I’ll wind up working a job I hate to provide for myself. I’m afraid I’ll sink to a daily grind, counting my dollars. I’m afraid I’ll be doomed to mediocrity forever. I’m AFRAID of a normal life. Normalcy, dullness, banality will be the death of me, it feels. I just feel I’m not quite cut out for a normal life in our world. So I run, I guess. That’s why I would love to stay in my room. In my room, I can ignore reality, I can do as I wish, lay in bed and think of nothing, fixate on a ridiculous dot-clicking game on a message forum. So I’m just a coward, I guess. As child-like as it sounds, sometimes at night, I’ll still think about our world with magic, and secretly hope that there IS some magic in this world, just to change it, to maybe not make life so dull, or boring. I’m afraid of the daily grind, which can be likened to grinding away Experience in Everquest. Some people can do it, I’m afraid I’m not one of those people who can Grind Away XP in Real Life. And Life is a grind. In Elementary School, I was assured that it would be better in Middle School, in Middle School, I was assured it would be better in High School, in High School, I was assured it would be better in College. Middle school wasn’t better than Elementary school, High School wasn’t better than middle school, college isn’t better than High School. They’re all the exact same thing.
A dull, daily routine. I’m deathly frightened that I will end up locked in a profession that is yet another grind identical to my schooling.

I don’t quite understand it myself... I have no reason to feel angsty, there are people in the world, Hell, people on these boards with a far worse life than me... And that makes it all the worse... To know that my only source of anguish is myself. That the only reason I hav eto feel bad are the reasons I provide for myself, but can’t seem to help...

I’m probably just being over poetic here, but... I just want to crawl inside my brain, and scream out at the world in defiance of it, and it’s silly reality. I want to be enchanted by my life, that I’ve become disenchanted with, but that only I can cause to be enchanting...
My thoughts are tumbling about in disarray... I don’t know what to say...

What does it matter? All the work in school, a job, anything. In the end it doesnt do anything.

When I manage to focus myself, people have called me brilliant, a genius. They are fools. If I do something then other think its great, if I do nothing then people ignore me, If I do bad things then Im hated and loved by opposite individuals. What can I do, what can anyone do that will be worth it to themselves.

Best wishes to you Lashanna

You're not the only one like this... I find myself being just the same quite often - wishing for an escape from the grinding of real life. :\

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I don’t know what it is about me. By all things considered, I should be a flourishing individual. I have had all the right qualities and opportunities... But it’s almost as though there’s something vital in others that seems to be absent in me... As if all my other mental machinery is in superior condition, yet this one tiny common screw is loose. I have this lack of willpower... Lack of will to do something... A pessimistic, cynical outlook. I don’t do things often times because I don’t care, or I don’t have the force of self to make myself do it. I guess it’s just laziness... But that doesn’t seem to wkr in my case... I feel horribly anguished afterwards, mentally tormented, but the things I fail to do. But no matter what the pain I go through, I can’t seem to make myself do what I must the next time around

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That's exactly the same with me. My IQ is in the top 1% of Europe, I know three languages, I'm good at English and various other subjects, we're reasonably well off.. and yet I am as you said above. It's ridiculous and I do feel bad about it.

I hope you manage to overcome this. Not just for you but for all of us here who feel the same way (sounds like a few)

I saw we pool our collective cashfunds, buy an island off of New Zealand and start a community based of internet pranks and millions of pop-up adds for various porn sites

I'm up for it

So, what are your plans for the future? What are you studying in college? What careers interest you?

You have an entire community of likeminded individuals here to support you through whatever happens.

Unfortunatly, it's up to you to put that screw back where it belongs. It's up to you to get up in the morning and make yourself go outside, and apply for a job (It isn't as scary as you'd think) or whatever.
And that.. we can't help you with. I wish we could.

All we can do is let you know that we all support you in whatever way we can, and that we will be here when you need us, for as long as possible.

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Everyone wondered WTF when Delphi Aegis wrote:
All we can do is let you know that we all support you in whatever way we can, and that we will be here when you need us, for as long as possible.

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I've got an hour or so. Chop chop, now.

In general, people that are very lazy are so because they can afford to be. I assume you're still living with your family and they provide most everything for you.

Until this source of input is gone, it's unlikely you will be highly motivated, because you will still have that financial support.

For some people, it does take "You have to do this, or you will be out on the street" to get them motivated. For others it just takes the mere idea of that to do it. There's nothing wrong with either way, its just how some people are.

Granted I know nothing about you, and this may not even be the case, so dont put much weight in it, but look inside yourself and consider it a possibility. Are you honestly to "comfortable" in your current setup?

Motivation is a difficult thing sometimes.

[ 01-05-2003: Message edited by: Reynar ]

I think everyone at one point or another feels the same way as you do. I have no aspiring goals right now. I'm in college with no direction except that I wanted to be a zoo keeper when I was little and I've never questioned that. Should I think about my finacial security? When I'm out on my own will this job support me? Personally these questions don't seem like the top priorities. What you should be asking is will I be happy? Money, I think, should be later down the list.

The worst is being stuck in a job you hate because of the money. I Loathe my current job, the only reason I haven't quit is because of the money. I've been saying I'm gonna quit for the past 5 months, I work with guys who've been saying that for 2 years. Don't get sucked into a job that you hate because of money.

Everyone has these feelings and most people overcome them, you can too.

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Reynar was naked while typing this:
Easy solution: move out on your own.

In general, people that are very lazy are so because they can afford to be. I assume you're still living with your family and they provide most everything for you.

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Well, to be honest, I live in an apartment with my brother, but yeah, I understand what you've meant, entirely.

Mortious dons black, oval, sunglasses. He raises a gauntlet, snapping his fingers.

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JooJooFlop wrote this:
*wonders if Mort would shit himself if Lash decided to move to Britain*

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I wouldn't physically shit myself, no.

Even though I have "a thing" for females with Italian bloodlines, ever since I visited their country and witnessed them with my own two eyes. I discovered "my type".

The only available positions here require years of experience.

[ 01-05-2003: Message edited by: Skaw ]

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Skaw wrote:
I need to move out as well, I need a job to do that, job availability around here is, and has been, low. I fucking hate the economy

The only available positions here require years of experience.

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I hear your pain, it's 100% exactly the same here.

All I can say is that you need to take it upon yourself to do what is necessary to make yourself happy. Good luck

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Delyl Caledor had this to say about John Romero:
Life is what you make of it. If you're afraid of a daily routine then don't let yourself go into that routine.
It sounds to me that you have a case of depression and there is help for the illness.

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Captain Obvious to the rescue?

*hugs Rosa*

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D probably says this to all the girls:
Captain Obvious to the rescue?

*hugs Rosa*

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Could you be more original?

But for now, I try not to think about it. I just hope that it'll get better. One day I'll be in my own place, with my own toys, secure finacially, and ultimatly... Happy.

I think I look like a big dope writing posts like these. 8\

I've given you my advice before, Lash. You're a smart girl; you'll figure out what to do.

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Bloodcookie had this to say about Punky Brewster:
I understand what you're saying, Lash. As I approach the end of high school, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. Frankly, I'd like to be a singer/songwriter/musician, and I'm taking steps toward that goal (setting up my office as a recording space, etc.). Of course, I plan on going to college for journalism as a back-up plan.

All I can say is that you need to take it upon yourself to do what is necessary to make yourself happy. Good luck

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What instruments do you play?

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Black Mage had this to say about John Romero:
I know what you feel like. I really do, I'm not just saying this in some futile attempt to make you feel better. Reality sucks. I wish I could go away to my own personal place and stay, live there, forever untouched by anyone but myself. I know it's not's going to happen though, and I too fear the day that I'll have to "wake up". Even when this day comes, I don't think I'll be motivated enough to keep myself healthy and with a roof over my head. I can think back on times when the deadline came, do or die, now or never, and I chose death.

But for now, I try not to think about it. I just hope that it'll get better. One day I'll be in my own place, with my own toys, secure finacially, and ultimatly... Happy.

I think I look like a big dope writing posts like these. 8\

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*hugs BlackMage*

Don't worry, you look a big dope when you aren't writing posts like these, too.

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Lashanna had this to say about pies:
*hugs BlackMage*

Don't worry, you look a big dope when you aren't writing posts like these, too.

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/hugs

Thank you.

So yay, you seem to have energy to do stuff

/em runs

Oh and belated hugs..

And Vorbo: I play guitar, harmonica, and a little piano. I've never actually had formal lessons in any of these, I learn mostly by watching, listening, and reading :/

What I find myself doing now is trying to fill my life with someone else. After moving out and losing all the company of family etc, I'm trying to fill it again with a roommate or GF who wants to stay with me. I'd rather share my ups and downs with someone else, experience everything they experience.

I wouldn't be suprised that you defeat your state of being by taking new steps, only to run into another wall, I did, but all the walls are different.....the game of life sucks, but we have to play. In the end, we take all our experiences and pass them onto the next generation hoping to guide them down a better path. Our parents kept naggin us our entire life, do this, do that, get better grades, don't do drugs....Cycle of life continues...

Ok, I'm done..

It seems like maybe you need to stumble on something that gets you fired up about doing something. Find a course you're passionate about at school, find a job where you look forward to going to work, find a person you can connect to and want to devote your time to, and who wants to cevote their time to you.

Right now it seems like your life is a grind because it is. You just need to find something that makes you PASSIONATE about being you. That is the key to life, Passion. Life isn't about money, it's not about a job, it's not even about your friends, it's about LIFE. Life is only here for you. Don't worry about all the other crap, just find something that makes you love life, and the rest of the problems will be swept away like chips in the path of a tidal wave.

Find something you love, there's something and someone out there for you, you just need to go out and find them.

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A sleep deprived Bloodcookie stammered:
Something else to consider: it is entirely possible, especially for someone with a college education, to have several different careers during their lifetime. So, don't worry about necessarily being stuck doing the same thing for the rest of your life.

And Vorbo: I play guitar, harmonica, and a little piano. I've never actually had formal lessons in any of these, I learn mostly by watching, listening, and reading :/

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Ah, I'm self taught drums and partly self partly from my guitarist taught guitar. I've been told I can sing, but I don't believe it.

Once I get better at guitar (and get my Mesa-Boogie Mark I amp *drools*) I'll probably end up picking up bass and learning that too.

Oh well, here's to winning the lottery.

Ive felt what you have felt and to this day I still feel that way. I know that no matter what I want to leave some sort of mark in this world. To be able to say that I didnt lead a normal life. I feel that I have it in me to rise above it but I am afraid to. Part of that is what has held me back ever since high school. Its almost like I sabotage myself into not truly following a path that looks enjoyable. Thats part of my reason that Ive been stuck in this 'jack of all trades' position. Regardless of whether or not I am good at any one thing, I dont follow through to excel at any one thing and just kinna hold myself back. I dont want to live a dull and boring life.

*kisses KaL* I dont mean that towards you but just in myself.

=) If you ever need an ear to listen, I am here.

*hugs Rosa*

-Tyler Durton, Fight Club

Yeah, I have 3 assignments do tomorrow that if not turned in, will flunk me in English 3. Yet, I have no will, no desire to do them, and I don't seem to really care about the consequences.

The perfect solution WOULD be to get all of EC on an island and start a new nation...Well, perhaps not, but it bears remembering that we've at least got a tiny archipegalo or a pennisula or something away from "reality", as it calls itself.
Can't really thinkupo of much else to say that hasn't been mentioned yet, so merph.

But you have friends with us, and our support. =)