To start, the truth for everyone who knows me, is this.
I do not hate myself. Despite what I say, I do not hate me.
I love me. I love being me. I wouldn't want to be anyone else.
But there are parts of me I DO hate. Very large parts. This post is so I can actually try to get these things out in the open in the hopes that talking about it may help me somehow.
To start, there's the thing I hate most about myself. My lack of self control. It's the single greatest flaw I have. Sometimes it's just saying the wrong things at the wrong time. Sometimes it's avoiding work or others because it's easier to simply do nothing (Laziness, basically). Sometimes it's even worse.
It's my lack of self-control, my lack of mental discipline, that put me in the hole I'm in today. I'm 21 years old, I live at home, I have only a basic (high school) education, and I work answering phones all day long. I don't get paid well, I am not happy in my job, and the ONLY perk I have right now is the cheap DSL.
Why am I in this position? Because I fucked up my education, primarily. I graduated with low grades because doing homework was boring and I would rather read, or play games, or play on the 'net. So I did just that. Even though I knew the homework was necessary for my grades, I still fucked up and got low grades as a result.
Despite that obvious show of incompetent laziness, I was still accepted into a very good university. For one year I attended. The first two weeks, were fine. I managed enough control over my laziness to be able to do well. After that, it got hard, I couldn't keep up, and rather than work harder, I slipped and got lazy. Rather than attend class, I went to the common lounge and played arcade games. I screwed up, failed most of my classes, and eventually stopped going altogether.
There's my first royal life-fucking mistake. Congratulations, Chris. Now you've removed your chances of getting a degree at that very nice college.
Next, I went to technical school for a while. It was fine until I started slacking off. Then I stopped going altogether. I couldn't muster enough self control to finish the courses and do the work. Another lost opportunity.
I want so very much to be able to succeed in life. I have so many wonderful hopes and dreams for myself, but because of that key failing, that fundamental weakness, I am unable to succeed.
Now, I'm in a job that, while not dead-end, is not taking me anywhere. I spend my days and nights the same, on my computer in my parents basement. I make enough money to make ends meet, but I don't make enough to be able to make it out on my own. I try and try and try to get out of this rut, but each time I end up getting dropped right back in it due to my laziness. If I could somehow find the motivation in me, to work hard and succeed, I could easily do it... I know I'm smart enough and good enough to be able to do anything at all I want to... computers come so naturally to me, I could easily be anything I wanted to be... but for those failings, those lost opportunities, and this damned lack of self-control, I don't know how I can make up for the time and chances that I've lost.
I want to live that life of luxury without the work necessary to attain it... I want to be happy, I want the world to be handed to me, and it isn't and won't be... unless I fantasize... but then I still end up escaping, and nothing changes... it's such a hard circle to escape from, and I don't know if I am capable of doing what I need to to be able to succeed anymore... I wonder if I've already screwed myself into this life... I wonder if there's any way to reconcile the mistakes of the past.
But worst of all... I wonder, if I get another chance, will I have the self-control to be able to make myself productive... to take the chance, and be able to work hard? To be able to actually WORK, and not choose the easy, lazy, stupid path...
I wish I knew how to change. I wish I had the control to change. I wish I knew where I could get the strength to change. I look inside me and I see only laziness and weakness. A fondness for luxury and ease of life, to the point where I can hardly put forth any work towards it.
Maybe getting AWAY from the computer and stuff will help your situation
If it were just that I enjoy computers, I could handle it... "Have you been to college?" people ask... how can I answer that without sounding like the worst loser ever? I went, I screwed up, I took the lazy way out and now I work here... "You're so smart, why do you work here?" I tell them it's because I need real-world experience before I can work elsewhere... but it's not because of that, it's because I can't find it inside of me to be able to put forth work... to be able to get off my lazy ass and accomplish things...
What's worse is that now I'm turning into something that I don't want to be... I'm gaining weight, I'm a loner, I live in my parents basement, I work a dead-end job, I have no real-life friends or ties... I work, I play on my computer, I sleep...
Sorry if I'm rambling... just something I need to let out...
quote:
Verily, Archer-Penguin doth proclaim:
Do you have any friends you can talk to and hang out with?Maybe getting AWAY from the computer and stuff will help your situation
I have friends... online. I have activities here. I enjoy myself here, because here is what excites me. Games of skill, games of thought, chatting idly, I can do it online without feeling left out of the group.
Anyways... it's time for me to sleep. I'll probably comment more on this in the morning... or something... [ 08-26-2002: Message edited by: Khyron ]
Apply for another college, go to a community college or something.
Get rid of the computer, put it away and forget about it for a bit.
MAKE yourself focus, you're GOING to stay in the same place if you don't take an active role in changing it.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1395857378
Here's something that might help.
Try to force yourself to do something that you normally wouldn't. On a regular basis. No excuses.
I am currently trying to bike at least 25 miles a week. Not too much, but I have to get out there and do something, and I'm not a fan of exercising.
Don't lie to yourself, it didn't work for me, it's not working for you as it sounds, and it won't help at all.
Khy, your story isn't much different from mine - all I've got to show for my education is a highschool graduation and 3 years of unfinished college.
I've been thru what you're going through right now, back when I was 20 or so - there's a few things you can do to change things, but none of them are very easy; first of all you do have to be able to admit to yourself that yes, you fucked up. I think you've already done that so that's good.
Then you need to start thinking about what it is you want to be doing, and be realistic about it. I mean, saying that you want to be a high paid game designer is all fine and dandy, but chances of getting there are slim, not just for you but for just about anyone.
Once you figure out where you want to be, and what you want to do - start working towards it. If it means educating yourself, do it. The only drawback there is that you need to remind yourself why you are doing it, and beat the lazyness.
For me, I taught myself Perl. Since I'm into programming, I didn't have problems with being lazy, since well, I liked doing Perl. I'm still doing it, and now I get paid decently for it.
(And ofcourse, the pr0n part, but that's more an extension of the perl work.. really.. I used to be a programmer for an adult company, then I figured I'd go do that too)
One thing I can suggest is setting up a schedule - it doesn't necessarily need to be set in stone, but you've got 7 days in a week. You work 5 days a week (I assume). Which leaves you 2 days of free time - now you take those 2 days, and throw 1 towards "do whatever the fuck I want". Sleep a whole day, game a whole day, spend a whole day drawing little doodles on a piece of paper. Then take the remaining day and treat it like a work day. You get up early, and spend the rest of the day educating yourself. No gaming, no being lazy. Quit at 5pm, have dinner. In the evening, go over what you did that day.
Rinse, repeat - until at some point you've gotten in the right mindset to just slip into 'work' mode whenever you want. That's the time to start kickin' ass and find a better/funnier/nicer job, and if at all possible, some entry level job that will guarantee that the company will pay for you to get some certificates. Most techie companies I know will have tuition programs where you can get an MSCE, CNE, or A+ certification on a 'we loan you the cash, if you get a certificate and stay with us for X time, its free, else we demand payback'.
*shrug* Just my 2 incoherent cents, take it with a grain of salt 
ben(at)netmastering(dot)nl
quote:
ImNotTrent Inc. was naked while typing this:
*saves MadCats advice for himself*
Guess the bottom line is that you just have to be practical about things (just on a related side-ramble). I mean, back when I was in the same heap-o-trouble, I could spend entire days thinking about better times, but nothing will ever get better unless you face the facts and lay the smack down on yourself good and get yourself motivated.
And everyone's "motivator" differs. For me it's the chance to turn hobby into a career - motivates me well enough 
As our favorite McD's snack posted; maybe the air force/navy/army will do you some good; at least it'll teach you routine and discipline, which never hurts to have.
ben(at)netmastering(dot)nl
I hope you get out of it as much as everyone wants you too
I'm still a major fuckup. Hell, I didnt even finish High School.
But perhaps you havent found the right thing to motivate you into becoming happy? A romantic interest can always prove meaningful in terms of keeping you on track. I'd like to think that if I had a girlfriend in that second year of HS, I'd have my diploma now.
But before you go barhopping, just remember these words: Never look for a date in a place you would not frequent.
But anyway. Good luck, man. Dispite what has passed between us, I do wish you the very best, and hope you can find the courage deep inside you (I know its there! ) to get yourself out of this rut.
I've always had problems focusing on most everything because I find most everything boring (Which is kinda why I like learning Python, I don't find it boring), then about a year ago I started taking Karate classes three times a week.
Within a month I noticed drastic improvements on my ability to concentrate on things and actually apply myself to my school work.
However, YMMV, so just try it out for month - you don't like it or don't think it's doing anything for you - drop it.
If it does work, then you're also getting exercise and, after a while, will learn some ways to defend yourself.
As I said, though, YMMV.
quote:
Vorbis of Pie had this to say about Tron:
If you can manage it, time wise and money wise, you may want to consider trying a martial art.I've always had problems focusing on most everything because I find most everything boring (Which is kinda why I like learning Python, I don't find it boring), then about a year ago I started taking Karate classes three times a week.
Within a month I noticed drastic improvements on my ability to concentrate on things and actually apply myself to my school work.
However, YMMV, so just try it out for month - you don't like it or don't think it's doing anything for you - drop it.
If it does work, then you're also getting exercise and, after a while, will learn some ways to defend yourself.
As I said, though, YMMV.
OMG, faz hacked vorbis's account!!!!!
BAN!
No, Really. Bite me.
Advice:
1) Come clean with your friends, but be prepaired for some backlash. If you really think of them as friends, then you should tell them the truth. Don't expect them all to be Ok with this, some will feel very betrayed when they find out the truth.
2) Talk to your parents.
3) Take on responsibility. I started getting serious about working because my family needed me to. I didn't like it, but I couldn't bring myself to let them down just because I didn't feel like doing stuff.
Now that I live with a roommate, I can't let him down either. I *have to* come up with my share of the rent and bills, because I won't do something that bad to a friend. Plus, my parents still need to borrow money from me sometimes (they allways insist on paying it back, but sometimes I do manage to get them to "forget" the debt).
Having someone important to you relying on you is a good motivator.
4) Think about what you really want. I thought I wanted to be a computer programmer (that's what the college was for), but now I do factory work. Know what? I *like* factory work! Sure, I may feel beat-to-hell after I get out of there, but I kinda like that. It lets me know that I've survived another day of work, and it's something I'm strangly proud of. Not to mention, the mental stress is fairly low, and it leaves me time to think about other things.
High paying jobs are often high stress jobs. I'm more than willing to have less than ideal pay to avoid a life filled with stress. I make enough to fill my needs, and a nice amount left over. I'm happy with that.
5) Find people you have things in common with, and hang out with them. I suggest you find a local gaming group, and get into a weekend game. A good, tabletop, PnP RPG game is as much a social event as a game. It's a great way to mix fantasy with a social life. Odds are, you will find that they are there playing for the very same reason, or at least similar ones.
6) Beware of advice from Dragons on the Internet. I know it's a given, but remember, Life isn't "One size fits all". Take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm a Dragon, not a Prophet.
