I steal a page from Parcelan's book... - EverCrest Message Forums

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Khyron

Hello, my mushy friend...

posted 08-07-2002 11:04:19 PM

And present to you all...

THE WIZARD OF OZIUS

And if you don't find it funny, you're welcome to shove off

Starring :

Piper as "Auntie Em"
Drys as "Uncle Henry"
Lyinar as "Glynda, the good witch."
Jania Ka'Bael as "The mean chick on the bike" and "The wicked witch of the west."
Cadga as "The flying Monkeys". Yes, all of them.
Cthulhu/Ozius as "The Wizard of Ozius"

Synjari as "Dorothy"
Parcelan as "Toto"
Kagrama as "The Scarecrow"
Mortious as "The Tin Man"
KaLourin as "The Cowardly Lion"

-------------------------------

At Uncle Dry's farm, Dorothy... errr, Synothy comes in, carrying a prarie dog, while we see Jania riding off into the distance.

Synothy - Auntie Pips! Auntie Pips! Listen to what that mean ol' Mrs. Ka'Bael tried to do to Parcelan!

Auntie Pips - Hush, Synothy. UncleDrys's putting in a bigger fan in the server! One that will vibrate THREE TIMES As much!

Synothy - Just walk the other way... very fast...

Enter mean 'ol Mrs. Ka'Bael

Uncle Drys - Howdy, Mrs. Ka'Bael.

Mrs. Ka'Bael - I want that prarie dog destroyed! I'm all but lame from the bite on my ass!

Auntie Pips - Your ass?

Parcelan - Hey, it looked like a pair of watermelons. I'm a prarie dog, I eat crops. SO SUE ME!

Everyone - ...

Mrs. Ka'Bael - I am, if you don't give that prarie dog to me!
muttered under her breath, I'm going to murder Ja`Deth for getting me in this...

Synothy - No! You can't! I'll bite you myself! Uh, as long as it isn't on the ass.

Uncle Drys - Yep, she'll sue alright. Hop in the basket, Parcelan.

Parcelan - Make me!

Uncle Drys - Don't make me get out my lightsaber.

Parcelan jumps in the basket and locks it himself. Mrs. Ka'Bael grabs it and runs outside. She gets on her bicycle and runs off, with Synothy in hot pursuit!

Auntie Piper - Woohoo! Drys, turn the server on! We've got the house to ourselves!

Uncle Drys - Hoorah! I get to use my lightsaber after all!

Meanwhile, down the road Parcelan hops out of the basket, bites Mrs. Ka'Bael on the butt, and runs back to Synothy!

Synothy - Parcelan you came back! Quick, we have to run off, they'll be back for you any minute!

Parcelan - Sure, just DON'T TAKE ME BACK TO THAT HOUSE! For the next 20 minutes, anyways.

Ozius - Well, well, well, what have we here? A cute little girl running away?

Synothy - How did you guess?

Ozius - I never guess! I was spying on you from the bushe... I mean, I know your family! Now why don't you come inside?

Parcelan - Woohoo! RAID THE FRIDGE!

Parcelan runs inside. Synothy and Ozius walk in after.

Synothy - Can we come with you? A mean witch is trying to kill my prarie dog, and there's... trouble at home.

Ozius - Well, we'd better check my crystal ball. Come in, sit down, close your eyes.

Ozius snatches her purse, opens it up, and begins looking around in it.

Parcelan - What're you rummaging around in her purse for? If there's candy, I get it.

Synothy - Okay, peeking and looking through my purse. We're getting out of here. Come on Parcelan.

Synothy and Parce head off home, while Ozius looks down at his hand.

Ozius - Damnit, only got 10 bucks and a pack of gum from her.

Synjari races home, only to find there's a tornado coming! She races inside, only to be pegged over the head by a flying bit of debris.

She wakes up, and looks out the window only to see she's inside the tornado!

Two men float past in a rowboat.

Waisz - Row the other way, god damn it!

Vise - I am rowing the other way! AND WATCH IT WITH THAT OAR!

Waisz - Shut up, you wanted it to bean you in the head, bish.

The two men float past, only to be replaced by a large green ogre with trumpet-like ears.

Toktuk - I DO NOT LOOK LIKE SHREK!

After a while, the house comes crashing down, and Synothy and Parcelan come walking outside.

Synothy - We're not in Kansas anymore, Parcelan! Look! We're in color? Wait, what's this stain?

Parcelan - I couldn't help it! The tornado scared me! Hey, who's that?

A floating bubble comes down, and bursts. Lyinar falls out of it, landing on her ass. She stands up, and shakes a fist.

Lyinda - Damn it Deth, TEST THESE THINGS OUT before you shove me in one!

[/i]She turns to Synothy and Parcelan.[/i]

Lyinda - Now, which of you killed the witch?

Parcelan - What witch??

Lyinda - The wicked of the east. Those are her feet sticking out from under your house.

She points to a pair of legs sticking out from the house. On each feet is a pair of dazzling slippers.

Lyinda - Okay all you, it's safe to come out!

All around, little strange creatures... midgets with bad hair and big bellies, walk out of their hiding spot. A group of four teenagers walks up. Each one wearing dark, punkish clothes.

Red Mage - Hey there!

Blue Mage - Hiya!

Solstyce - Welcome!

Fennar - Welcome to munchkin land!

Red Mage - You're not canadian, roach boy.

Parcelan - ANGSTY CANADIANS! Run, Synothy! RUN LIKE HELL!

RedMage - Wait? Where are you going? Don't you want to hear all about my trip to the strip club?

Solstyce - Hey, Wait! We never got to break into song! We trained all the midgets to sing songs by Tea Party!

The two get about ten steps, before a huge cloud of suphurous smoke erupts and Jania steps out.

Jania - Who killed my sister?

Canadians - SHE DID IT!

Synothy - Who are you?

Jania - I'm the witch of the West.

Parcelan - Whoah momma! You've got me spellbound!

Jania grabs the nearest munchkin and beats Parcelan up with him.

Angsty Canadian - My life sucks! I'm being used to bludgeon a prarie dog! Nobody loves me!

Lyinda - Quick Synothy! Take the ruby slippers!

Jania - No! Give them to me! Only I can use them!

Fennar - I'd say they look like magic slippers! +5 to movement and agility! I bet they'd go great on my level 1 warrior with 500 HP and five attacks per turn! Want to hear how I pulled that off?

Everone on earshot - NO!

Synothy turns to look at the feet under her house... the slippers have disappeared! She looks down, and they're already on her feet!

Synothy - Ewww... they're all wet and squishy inside.

Jania - Give them to me! I need those to get out of this stupid parody!

Lyinda - Keep them, Synothy! You can use those to get home!

Jania - Shut up, Lyinar! I WANT OUT!

Lyinda - You promised Deth you wouldn't, now get out of here before I sic Arrenn on you. He forgot to wash his pants so he's doing without!

Jania - Oh, fine. But you just wait, Synothy, I'll get you, and your little... thing... too!

Parcelan - Aw yeah! She wants me BAD. I can tell.

Jania disappears in a puff of smoke.

Synothy - How do I get home? Everyone must be so worried about me! Except that mean 'ol bit... woman that's trying to kill my prarie dog.

Parcelan - Did you guys see the way she was checking me out? She wants me.

Synothy - Maybe I should let her kill him.

Lyinda - You can get out of here by going to see the wizard of Ozius. He's in the emerald city! Just follow the yellow brick road!

Synothy - Come on Parcelan!

The two of them take off on the yellow brick road. They wander off, until it splits. Next to the split, is a corn field with a scarecrow on it.

Synothy - Which way do we go now?

Parcelan - ... and then she'll coo over my manly prarie dog muscles... in that skin tight outfit over hers... I can almost hear her voice saying how buff and macho I am! Huh? What'd you say?

Kagramacrow - THAET WAY SI A VRERY NICE WAY TO GO!!!?!? BUT theRE IS A WICH!

Synothy - Who said that? Come out?

Kagramacrow - IEY AM OUT!~?? GO TAHT WEAY! OR the OTHAR WAy??? I DONT NOW WHIC WYA TO GO!!!

Synothy - Make up your mind! Which way is it?

Kagramacrow - EYE CANTT!!!!!!! I DO NT HAEV A MIND??!1!

Synothy - You don't have a mind? Well, you can come with us to find the Wizard of Ozius! Maybe he can give you a mind!

Parcelan - Why are you inviting a scarecrow that can barely speak english along?

Synothy - Because anything beats listening to you going on about that witch.

The three pick a direction and set off along the road. A short while later, they come across an apple grove.

Synothy - When was the last time we ate? I'm hungry.

Parcelan - We didn't. Get me an apple.

Synothy - Get it yourself! I'm not your servant!

Parcelan - I can't reach it! Get me one or I'll start talking about how good I am in the sack!

Synothy - Ugh, fine.

Synothy picks an apple, only to hear a voice yell at her.

Tree - HEY! What do you think you're doing?

Synothy - Grabbing an apple. I was hungry, and...

Tree - Well, how would you like it if I picked one of YOUR apples off, huh?

Synothy - You can't do that! Mine are attached a lot stronger and... uh...

Tree - GET HER!

The trees in the grove start pelting them with apples. The three run off the path, but stop soon after.

Parcelan - What's that smell? Smells like the server room after Auntie Pips and Uncle Drys knock it over...

Synothy - It's a man! Made out of... I'm not sure what he's made out of. And from the smell of it, i don't want to know.

A dark, shadowy suit of armor, carrying an axe, stands alone in the clearing. A muffled voice comes from the armor.

Armor - MMMMM!!! mmmm!!! Mmmmllll!

Synothy - What did you say?

Armor - MMMMMLLLLL! MMMMMMOOOLLLL!

Kagramacrow - MAYEB HE SI GONIG TO THE BAHTROOM IN theRE A ND GTO STUKC???!?!?! ONO!

Armor - OOOOOOMMMMMMLLLLLLL!! OOOIIIILLLL!!

Parcelan - Oil? Huh? I don't see any oil around. Unless it's in this can...

Synothy grabs the can, and squirts the contents all over the armor. She screams, and drops the can.

Synothy - THAT ISN'T OIL!

Tin-Mort - ¬_¬

Synothy - Who are you?

Tin-Mort - I'm Mortious. I'm the tin man. Who the hell are you?

Synothy - I'm Synothy and this is my prarie dog Parcelan. This is a scarecrow.

Tin-Mort - No shit, sherlock. Damn ugly one too.

Synothy - Well that was pretty heartless of you.

Tin-Mort - Duh, that's because I don't have one.

Synothy - Oh, well if you want you can come with us to see the Wizard of Ozius. I'm sure he could give you one.

Tin-Mort - Uh... sure, why not.

The three set off, with their new companion following right behind Synothy.

Parcelan - What's that metallic fapping noise?

Tin-Mort - Uhhh... ¬_¬

The four soon come to a huge black forest. They look around nervously.

Synothy - Think there's anything... dangerous... in these woods?

Tin-Mort - Like what?

Kagramacrow - LIEK LIONS OR TIEGERS OR FOXES!@#$ OH TEEH HUMANTINY!

Tin-Mort - FURRIES? WHERE? WHERE? SEE ANY VIXENS? Maybe one named Katrinity?

Mort falls over with a thud. The companions help him up.

Tin-Mort - Sorry. I, uh, overloaded.

Suddenly a ferocious lion jumps out and attacks! He roars viciously, until he catches sight of a large suit of black spiked armor weilding an axe. He screams like a girl and runs behind a tree.

Lion - MY GOD! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

Synothy - Wait, why the hell is a lion running in fear? Scared of our big, smelly guardian?

Parcelan - Our what?

Synothy - Why else would I invite stinky along?

Tin-Mort - Hey! I CAN HEAR YOU! Where's the little chickenshit lion, anyways?

KaLion - NOOOO! DON'T COME NEAR ME! PLEASE!

Synothy - What a coward. Where's your courage?

KaLion - I don't have any. And even if I did, I wouldn't want to come near him! Ugh, the smell...

Synothy - No courage? What the hell are you doing in this creepy forest then?

KaLion - The other lions said I belong here. They said I was creepy. Like, kid-toucher creepy.

Synothy - You are creepy. But if you want, we're going to see the Wizard of Ozius for a brain for the scarecrow, and a heart for... the other creepy guy. I don't see why one more freak tagging along would hurt.

KaLion - Please don't hurt me.

So the four gain a new companion, and set off on their quest. Soon, they come to a huge open field...

Tin-Mort - ... you sexy lion you. You know, I'm bi... Wanna see what's in my greaves?

KaLion - And they said I was the creepy one.

Synothy - Hey, look! There's the emerald city! We're almost there!

Tin-Mort - HOORAY! Does that tower look phallic to anyone else?

Parcelan - Did I tell you guys about how that witch was totally checking me out?

Synothy - Only about fifteen times.

Kagramacrow - THE WICTH WLIL LIEKS ME BETTAR BECASE I AM A STUD!!!

Synothy - That's it, I have GOT to get out of here.

The four take off running across the feild. They soon start to grow tired, though...

Synothy - What's happening to me? I'm getting so tired and sleepy...

Tin-Mort - What's with these flowers? What are they?

Kagramacrow - I AET A FEW ADND NOW I CAN SEEE IN THE MOON!@@!?? THE COLROS AER ATACKING MEE?? HEALP!!@@!!

Parcelan - The scarecrow's stoned! Those flowers are poppies! What kind of family movie has drugs in it?

KaLion - Hey, this movie was made in the 60's...

Suddenly Lyindaa's face appears in the sky. She mutters something under her breath, and waves a wand. Suddenly, it begins to snow.

Synothy - Ohhh, my head... it's snowing? What happened? What the? Oh, forget it. COME ON GUYS! We're almost there!

The four run off to the gate of the emerald city. There's a huge rope, which Synjari pulls. An ugly little face peeks out at them.

Waisz - Hey! What are you doing ringing that bell?

Synothy - Weren't you in the tornado?

Waisz - No. Now go away. We're closed.

KaLion - Closed? Why?

Waisz - Because some fool named Drysart came in last week waving around a banstick and claiming he was invincible. Four people were killed and seven others got their eyes poked out. Now get lost.

Synothy - But the witch Lyinda told me to come here! She gave me these slippers and told me to come! Let me in! I can't handle staying with these four any longer!

Waisz - Slippers? Shit. Okay, fine, come on in.

Synothy - Is that horse changing colors?

Waisz - No, you're still stoned from the poppies. Now come on, you get to see the wizard.

Tin-Mort - Hey, I thought we were supposed to get cleaned up and everything! I was looking forwards to that full... body... buff... Mmmmmmmm....

Waisz - The author couldn't think of anything funny to do there, so shut up and get in there.

KaLion - Geez, it's darker than the forest in here... EAGGGGHHHH! WHAT JUST TOUCHED MY ASS?

Tin-Mort - ¬_¬

CTHULHU - I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZIUS

Parcelan - You're a floating octopus.

CTHULHU - SHUT UP! I'M AN ELDER GOD GOD! THESE ARE MY TENTACLES!

Kagramacrow - A HED WITH TENTANACLESES!!!!!?!?!? WUT???!

CTHULHU - I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE. I WILL HELP YOU BUT YOU MUST FIRST DO A TASK FOR ME!

Synothy - We came all the way here, I had to put up with these four, and now we have to do ANOTHER damn task?

CTHULHU - BRING ME THE BRA OF THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST.

KaLion - And you people say I'm the creepy one around here?

The four set off to the witch's hideout. As they pass through the dark, evil woods they become ambushed!

Kagramacrow - ONO THEREE AER MNONKEYSES ALL OVAR!!@? THSI IS RAEALLLY WEARD!!!???

Cadga - I'm not a monkey I'm a monkah! Yey! Now shut up and come with me! MOJO JOJO POWARZ!

The monkeys grab Synothy and fly off with her in tow.

Parcelan - Hey, they're taking her to the witch's castle!

Tin-Mort - I've never done it with a monkey before...

KaLion - There is no way in hell you are going to convince me to trample through these woods, walk into the evil castle of a wicked witch who uses hideous flying monkeys to abduct people.

Tin-Mort - Well, you could come with me back to my place..

KaLion - On second though, the castle seems like a nice place. Let's head out.

The four rush up to the castle. Seeing it unguarded, they run inside. There, they find the witch Jania, and her prisoner Synothy.

KaLion - Shouldn't you have guards in here?

Jania - I do... stupid slacker... SNOOTA! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!

A lone guard runs in, wearing a red shirt and a huge furry hat. He carries a broken spear which he holds out menacingly.

Snoota - Sorry, I went to the bathroom and fell in. Do you always have to leave the seat up?

Jania - WHAT? You worthless little peon, I NEVER leave the seat up!

Snoota - Oh yeah, that was me. Oh well.

Jania - Now, my captives... I'm going to... what the hell? STOP HUMPING MY LEG!

Parcelan - Oh yeah! Hot mama!

Kagramacrow - UT OH THE WTITCH HAS CAPUTRED US ALL NWO OWHAT EVAR WITLL WE DO???

Jania - I have no idea what you just said, but I feel vaguely insulted.

Jania raises her arms, and the scarecrow's arms burst into flames.

Kagramacrow - ONO! FLAEMS!!?! the FLEAMS!@#? PUT ME UOT! OUT!?

Synothy runs over, and grab's Mort's bucket. She quickly turns it upside down to look for some water, then looks down and sees it's already full.

Synothy - And I thought he smelled bad on the outside.

Tin-Mort - Hey! I'm the only one here who should be quoting star wars!

Synothy shrugs, and heaves the bucket at the scarecrow's arm. Thick green glop pours out of it, removing the scarecrow's arm... and splashing all over Jania.

Jania - Oh my GOD what the hell IS this stuff?

Tin-Mort - HEY! I was saving that for later!

Jania - I think I'm going to be sick...

Jania slowly melts away, until all that's left of her is a skintight outfit in a puddle of green goo.

Parcelan - BITCH! You melted my girlfriend!

KaLion - There's no way I'm going to fish her bra out of that.

Tin-Mort - I will! I can keep the rest, right?

Synothy - ...

The five heroes go marching back to the emerald city, with a goo-covered bra in hand. They stride back into the wizard's lair.

CTHULHU - HALT! HAVE YOU COMPLETED THE TASK THAT I HAVE GIVEN TO YOU, MORTALS?

Tin-Mort - Yeah... we have the bra right here.

CTHULHU - W... WHAT? YOU GOT IT? SERIOUSLY?

Out of the corner, a strange looking young man wearing glasses dashes out from behind a curtain. He runs up to mort and snatches the bra.

Ozius - Whoah, you did do it! I... hey, what's all this green stuff?

Tin-Mort - ¬_¬

Synothy - Aren't you that creepy guy from the first part?

Ozius - No. Now what did you guys want?

Kagramacrow - EY WANT A BREAIN!!!!

Tin-Mort - I want a heart!!!

Ozius grabs a bag from the back, and hands a human brain to Kagramacrow, and a real heart to Mort.

KaLion - Where the hell did you get a real brain and heart???

Ozius - Off of e-bay. What do you want?

KaLion - Nothing from that bag, that's for damn sure.

Kagrama quickly eats the brain, while Mort opens up his chestplate. He places the heart inside, though it quickly shrivels into a hardened black lump once inside the green mist that fills his armor.

Ozius - What about you, girl?

Synothy - I want to get the hell out of here.

Ozius - Oh, can't help you. Sorry!

Synothy - WHAT? That witch lied to me???

Lyinda comes floating down in a bubble... this time her landing is more graceful. Instead of falling flat on her ass, she comes crashing down face first. She quickly stands up and brushes herself off.

Lyinda - Synothy! I didn't lie! You've had the way to go home since the beginning.

Synothy - WHAT? WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW TO TELL ME???

Lyinda - Bizarre quests where you make friends builds character!

Synothy - I'm walking around with a braindead scarecrow, a perverted suit of armor, and a prarie dog that has the hots for the witch I just melted. That builds character?

Lyinda - Yes. Now to go home, just click those ruby slippers three times and say 'There's no place like home.'

Synothy - 'There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home...'

The world slowly starts to spin, then stops... Synothy opens her eyes.

Synothy - Oh! Everything's black and white again! I'm back in kansas! It was all a dream! Thank god! No weird suits of armor coming on to me! No bizarre scarecrows!

Parcelan - I'm still not forgiving you for melting my girlfriend.

~ THE END ~

[ 08-07-2002: Message edited by: Khyron ]

Khrynn - Mage, Goon Squad, Mal'Ganis