Maybe it's the Anime I've been watching. Maybe the games I've been playing. Maybe just the way that my life has been going. Maybe it's just my own curiosity trying to get the better of me, but I've been thinking long and hard about the events around me. About life, about death, about everything I see and feel and do. And I find out that there are two parts of me.
There is one part that is a dreamer. There is one part that is a thinker.
Both of them see so many things, so differently. I feel constantly torn between what I feel and what I know, and I have no way of choosing a path. I see so many paths before me.
I think the biggest one for me, is death. The dreamer looks upon it as a time when my conciousness finally breaks free of this shell and... I don't know what. But the thing that I see is a... continuation of existence.
But the thinker... looks upon it as an end. We all of us do live in the center of our universe, because as much as we may try and think, in the end all that surrounds us is our own perceptions of the world. What we see, hear, touch, taste, and smell is what we know. We can't see through the eyes of others. If we looked through their eyes, would we see the same world? Smell the same smells? It's an impossible thing to think of because we can't know what we can't touch, or smell, or see... And that's the thinker inside of me. He looks at these things and then looks at death as an ending. There is no way to be sure of a god, or a heaven, or nirvana, or rebirth, or anything. Faith is a wonderful thing to have, for the dreamer side of me, but the thinker side scorns it and looks for reasons. Everything I see around me, that I feel cannot be justified, I find that there is an explanation for. Everything about human beings, that I once found magical and special, unique and inexplicable, I find myself questioning and finding answers for.
But that has a down side too. I look around me and I see the universe as a whole. I gaze at it, and I see the one thing that I can not explain. Everything I see I see as cause and effect. For something to happen, something has to cause it.
And that's where I fail, because I don't know what causes the universe. That's where the dreamer comes in and scorns the thinker. The logic fails, the knowledge reaches its limit, and I am lost in the dark without it.
In the end, more than anything, I am the kind of person who is split. I want so desperately for those dreams and fantasies and magical thoughts, to come true. I want to see the world as a special, magical place full of wonder and unexplainable things. Because then I could accept the fact that there could be some existence after death, and I wouldn't have to be so afraid of it, of losing my world.
But the thinker side of me won't let that happen. I know the reasons for all around me, and when I don't understand something I find out. Things like why people will act the way they do. Why they are built the way they are. Why we look the way we do. Why certain traits may be more desirable than others. I look at these things, and something inside of me clicks, and I realise why the world works the way it does. But that knowledge that there isn't anything unexplainable is what scares me, as it shows me that the only things I find that I can't explain... are things that don't seem real... and that's where the part of me tells me that there is nothing after death, that my existence, brief and uneventful, is gone.
And that thought scares me beyond any words I can mention.
It's so hard to face reality, and so hard to face dreams. I end up becoming depressed, and moody... and scared of what could happen. Could there be some higher being? And if there is... could it truly wish to allow my conciousness... soul, sentience, spirit, whatever you choose to call it... existence beyond death? But if there isn't, why would there be creation? What could have spawned this universe, the matter in it, the life that exists within?
Part of me also thinks that perhaps, we are no more or less than the machines and items we create. Biologically, we are machines. We are machines that do every task to continue our existence, to reproduce... is there truly a 'soul' or any sort of 'spirit' that could make us more? Is the fact that we wish to beleive in one, a trick we play on ourselves to keep ourselves from sinking into despair?
I hate not knowing. Because not knowing, running on faith alone, is such a fragile thing. If it breaks, you could be left falling in the dark.
Humanity has grown and spread and sought after these answers from the beginning of our own sentience. Never has anyone found them, beyond faith or feelings in ones heart... and when you're alone, in bed at night, staring up at the darkened ceiling... it's not enough to console you, when you're attacked by thoughts of 'what if' and 'what would happen' and 'how could it be'.
The thought of the end of my existence... is something I can not imagine, and something that scares me immeasurably...
quote:
Khyron obviously shouldn't have said:
I watch anime, I play games, I want to live in a magic fairy world, death scares me, angst angst, death scares me.
Except for the whole "ANGST ANGST!" part, I pretty much agree. Much as I'd like living in a world with some unexplainable things, though, it's not going to happen. Just have to accept that. I am also immensely scared of death, even though I accept the fact that it's an end. I cannot imagine not being there.
Everyone believes they know what happens after death. Some "know" there's an afterlife. Others, like me, "know" it ends. And honestly, this is the only thing I'm kinda glad about not knowing about. Even though every known fact speaks against it, there's still some small chance that there's an afterlife or something.
Oh yeah, I don't watch anime either. Put that with the "angst angst" thing "in I don't agree". 
HUEMOR DISKLAEMAR [ 07-16-2002: Message edited by: Giantt ]
quote:
ACES! Another post by Giantt:
Except for the whole "ANGST ANGST!" part, I pretty much agree. Much as I'd like living in a world with some unexplainable things, though, it's not going to happen. Just have to accept that. I am also immensely scared of death, even though I accept the fact that it's an end. I cannot imagine not being there.Everyone believes they know what happens after death. Some "know" there's an afterlife. Others, like me, "know" it ends. And honestly, this is the only thing I'm kinda glad about not knowing about. Even though every known fact speaks against it, there's still some small chance that there's an afterlife or something.
Oh yeah, I don't watch anime either. Put that with the "angst angst" thing "in I don't agree".
Oh, gee, sorry if it sounds like I'm angsty. I mean, it's not like I'm having car troubles that could cost me over 1000 dollars, computer troubles, and problems at home. I'll be sure to leave out any 'Damnit, I'm depressed' stuff in any future posts for you.
quote:
Khyron had this to say about Robocop:
Oh, gee, sorry if it sounds like I'm angsty. I mean, it's not like I'm having car troubles that could cost me over 1000 dollars, computer troubles, and problems at home. I'll be sure to leave out any 'Damnit, I'm depressed' stuff in any future posts for you.
Sorry, I didn't mean it like that 
It was actually meant to be a joke, but I forgot the disclaimer.
Here you go. [ 07-16-2002: Message edited by: Giantt ]
quote:
Verily, Blind Swordsman doth proclaim:
You just finished eva didn't you?
Nope. Actually just finished Artificial Intelligence. Hated the beginning. Middle was so-so. Ending was bizarre.
Please note that I'm not saying that the robots and crap were believeable, but motivations and actions were consistent and realistic. Good acting, bad ending. I'm one of those hopeless romantics who likes a fairy tale wrap-up. [ 07-16-2002: Message edited by: Star Collective ]
As you said, people have been pondering this for a long time. Dealing with this, and the doubt that it brings, is part of what makes people human.
I can't tell you what comes after, though I suspect that it may be different for everyone. Nobody can tell you that, no matter what they may claim.
What I can tell you is that it what comes after doesn't affect who you really are. If someone cut off your hand, you would still be Khyron (so to speak). If someone took away everything you own, you would still be Khyron. No matter what the change, you will still be you. You may change as your experiences grow, but you will still be Khyron. Death may be the biggest change of all, but it won't change who you are.
Someday you will face death, as will everyone else. Whatever it may bring though, you will still be you. So long as you live up to that, then you've done the best that anyone can do.
There was a time before any of us, there will be a time after us, and the world will go on. It's cold, but it's true. All you can do is write your life's story the best you can, and wait to see if there will be a second chapter after the funeral.
Till then, be you, doubts and all. Only a madman or a fanatic would feel no doubts about death, but letting those fears ruin your life destroys what life you do have. [ 07-16-2002: Message edited by: Palador ChibiDragon ]
Personally, I have one view that has at least given me comfort in my most atheistic moods, when I truly can't bring myself to beilieve that we are more than biological machines. That view is that, even if existence has ceased at some point in the future, the self is/was still present in the past. I believe that humanity as a species is far too quick to write off the past as "oblivion". We have a very limited and linear view of time, in that we see ouselves as moving along a single sliver of existence that constantly moves foward, creating a future and destoying a past. However, some parts of science have already implied that perhaps time is better thought of as a dimension. I think perhaps we should look deeper at that idea, and look past the assumption that a moment of existence in the past is forever gone.
Perhaps (to use an odd phrasing) the past "still" exists, and in some higher-dimensional viewpoint, at this "moment" I am also currently being born, hugging my first child, and breathing my last breath. Death may simply establish a boundary where I am not. So, I should not fear death any more than I fear the empty air to the right of me, as both are simply a boundary outside my continuous existence. I "still" exist, in each of life's moments that "forever" play out simultaniously.
This view may make life seem cold and unchanging at first, and make it sound like after death I am but a frozen crystal trapped in the past, but in actuality such an existence would be nothing like that. An existence such as what I'm talking about isn't anything like "reliving one's life for eternity", but is instead just a statement that each moment of existence does/did/will exist (I'm really sorry for that utterly horrid grammer, It's just that languange and the mind isn't equipped for talking about outside of a 3-dimensional-and-time framework). If I am right, then I have also "already" died from that higher-dimensional viewpoint, and so I would "already" be trapped. And, as I look around at this moment, this isn't so bad.
Perhaps this view is a bit depressing, because it says that though one does "always" exist (whatever that means), it doesn't speak of something bigger and greater beyond life as we know it. But then again, perhaps life as we know it is good enough.
In the beginning the Universe was created.Douglas Adams, 1952-2001
bows before the wisdom of the Chalesm
quote:
Check out the big brain on Palador ChibiDragon!
Well, you sure don't go for the easy questions, do you?[Some stuff]
What I can tell you is that it what comes after doesn't affect who you really are. If someone cut off your hand, you would still be Khyron (so to speak). If someone took away everything you own, you would still be Khyron. No matter what the change, you will still be you. You may change as your experiences grow, but you will still be Khyron. Death may be the biggest change of all, but it won't change who you are.
Ah, but there's the rub, the reason why this is different. I'm Khyron, I'm Chris, because of two things. My personality, and the memories that have helped shape it. The greatest fear in my life is the loss of those memories. I've had a great many special moments in my life. But they've all passed. Now the only thing I have left of them are memories, and for some of them they're more precious than all the money and possessions I have.
If I die, do I keep those memories? Or do I lose them? Do I lose that identity that I have created by myself from the experiences in the past? It's the past that defines who I am in the present, and it's the thought of losing my past, that gives me fear of the future.
But, these are questions I've asked myself so many times... sometimes I wish I weren't as contemplative. Ignorance can be bliss, when knowledge gives you fear =/
/me is still trying to struggle past what Chalesm said, since that's a pretty deep and difficult idea to get a grasp on.
As for losing that which makes you be you, yah, that scares me too. That's one of the things I try not to think about too much, because I don't have good answers for it (although I kinda like Chalesm's take on it).
