Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered
by incredible headaches.
When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across
an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice
but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half
neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...
9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size
36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old
."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."

3 friends are stranded on a island. they are dying of thirst. One of them finds a mansion on the island. They go up to the mansion and pick which one goes up and ask for water. the youngest friend is picked

He goes up to the door and knocks it. A 50 year old ungodly ugly women answers it. He asks for some water,she tells him to come in. She brings a glass of water to a couch, but she ask for something though, fuck her and get the water. He says fine and to close her eyes, she does so.

He looks around the room for something, he notices corn growing next to the window. He grabs a cob and uses that and throws it out the window. She says again and he grabs another and throws it out. after several cobs she gives him the water and he runs out to his friends

"Hey guys, i got the water!"
"Screw the water, we want some more buttered Corn!"

ba dum cha

[ 04-09-2002: Message edited by: Mr. Duck ]

A couple from alabama decided that after their tenth child the husbad would go and get a vasectomy. So they went on and had thier ten children and the husband drove down to town to the local doctor. When he got their he explained the to the doctor his situation. The doctor thought for a moment and then said: "Go home and get an empty can, then get a cherry bomb. Light the cherry bomb and put it in the can, then count to ten." So the man went home and got a can and a cherry bomb like the doctor told him too, and he lit the cherry bomb and put it in the can. He then begun to count to ten on his fingers, after he reached five he put the can between his legs and continued counting on the other hand.

.....

A small medium at large.

Funny, aint it.

The Bear turns to the Rabbit and says, "Excuse me, but do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

"Why no," says the Rabbit.

So the Bear wipped his ass with the Rabbit.

(Eddie Murphy pwns!)

Okay, two guys are arguing. A Polish guy and a Hungarian guy. The Hungarian says "Jesus Christ was Hungarian and that's that." but the Polish guy says "No no, my friend, Jesus Christ was Polish!" and they just argue back and forth until a Jewish guy comes along. The Jew adds on "No no, Jesus Christ was Jewish!" and they argue more. Eevntually the Jewish guy says "Okay, screw this, let's all go to this whore house I know about, calm ourselves down" and they do. The Jew walks up to the door and knocks. Low and behold! A whore opens the door, and upon seeing the Jewish man says "Jesus Christ! Your here again?!"

Here is another one.

Two guys are sitting at a bar, both with a black eye. The bartender says "Jeez, what happened to you guys?" One of them says "Well I dunno about this guy but I made a Freudian slip. I was this lady with this cute kids and I wanted to say 'Hey miss, those are some nice kiddies' but I slipped and said 'Hey miss, those are some nice titties' and she belted me with her purse" and the other guy smirked and nodded "Hey, I had a Freudian slip too! I meant to say to my wife 'Honey, can you pass the milk, please?' but instead I slipped and said 'You ruined my life you fucking bitch'."

Ta-da.

Ozius

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so 'profound,' that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Exam Bonus Question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs, using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. These religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, lets look at the rate of change of temperature and pressure in Hell. To stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you!" And, take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

quote:

---

This one time, at Gork camp:
Timeline... Geeorn posted that a year ago...

---

oh wow and obviously EVERYBODY was here a year ago! GENIUS.

The fourth man receives a phone call, and while he's away, the three chat.

The first one says 'My son is a successful lawyer. He's so successful he was able to buy a yacht for his lover!'

The second one says 'My son is a professional football player. He's so successful he was able to buy a ferarri for his lover!'

The third one says 'My son is a great doctor. he's so successful he bought a house for his lover!'

The fourth wanders up, and they all ask who it was on the phone.

"It was my son. I just found out some bad news, he's gay. But the good news is that he must be doing SOMETHING right, since his lovers have bought him a yacht, a car, and a house."

Two bulls are on a hill, over looking a herd of grazing Cow.

The Son Bull says to the Father Bull, "Why don't we run down there and fuck one of them Cows?"

So the Father Bull says, "Son, why don't we walk and fuck them all?"

quote:

---

Everyone wondered WTF when Comrade_Snoota wrote:
This is actually the story that was related to me when the big 'birds and the bees' talk came when I was little. I had a weird brother:

Two bulls are on a hill, over looking a herd of grazing Cow.

The Son Bull says to the Father Bull, "Why don't we run down there and fuck one of them Cows?"

So the Father Bull says, "Son, why don't we walk and fuck them all?"

---

That was in some cop movie I saw a long time ago...

-Tok

Colors pwned.

quote:

---

Gork thought this was the Ricky Martin Fan Club Forum and wrote:
Timeline... Geeorn posted that a year ago...

---

Timeline only works only previously posted media.

Duh.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist "Please allow me to help. I
am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, ooooh, noooo, I'll be all right. I will be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally permitted her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side. She loosened
his pants and put her hands inside.

After a short massage, she asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell."

Four guys are golfing. One is bragging about being a well-to-do hitman, claiming he even has his highpowered sniperrifle in his golfbag.
They're all skeptical until he pulls it out. One guy asks if he can look through the scope, to see his house, and sees his wife in bed with his best friend.
The man is appaled by this, so he says to the hitman: "How much for a hit?"
"Its five grand every time I pull the trigger."
"Allright then. I want you to blow my wifes head off, then blow that guys dick off so he's a dickless wonder for the rest of his life."
The hitman agrees, picks up the rifle and aims. He stands there for a few minutes, and the others wonder wtf is taking so long.
The hitman says: "Hold on, I'm trying to save you 5000 bucks."

During the late medieval years in Hungary, one of the oldest legends in our country took place. It may even be true.
The city Paks (pronounced pa:ksh) was a little village in the 1600s and today is a small city boasting Hungary's single nuclear plant. In the past, the village had trouble with a neighboring village. They kept sending their cows to graze on Paks land, and vice-versa, knowing my ancestors.

Once a foreigner attacked the Paks herdsman, beat him badly, and confiscated his cows. But this was not just any herdsman, it was the son of the mayor! The people of Paks took up arms - or rather, work tools they could wield as arms. The result was a small battle between the two villages, in which dozen of peasants bit the dust.

The brave Paks army retreated in defeat.

The mayor of Paks, undaunted, ordered his men to fabricate a cannon to blast the enemy to smithereens. It was easier to order it than to do so, as they did not have the necessary tools and materials to build a cannon. "No matter," said the wise mayor, "Chop a tree down, and create the cannon from its trunk!"

During the night the people of Paks created the first wooden cannon in history, ready for deployment. They towed it up a nearby hill, and the entire village gathered around to watch the victory.

The Gunmaster loaded the cannon with gunpowder, put a large rock projectile in the barrel, pointed the weapon towards the enemy village and fired it... KABOOMM!!

Twenty people near the cannon died, and many others were seriously wounded. However the mayor survived, and immediately issued a victory message for his people, saying: "If we have so many dead, how many can there be of the enemy?"

quote:

---

Vorago obviously shouldn't have said:
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."

---

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the
animals on display. While he was there, another customer
walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop
and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer,
saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked
out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
"That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only
a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in
C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the
money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "
That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What
does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage
object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some
Java. All the really useful stuff," said the
shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and
saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price
tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped
to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all
the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen
it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."