These are their tales...
EVERCREST meets CHAINMAIL
The Faction: Mordengard, a United Nation of Dwarves devoted to freedom and justice for their people.
The Troops: Dwarven fighter, a ferocious lass without the beard; a dwarven ranger, friend to weasels and small mountain creatures; a dwarven cleric, a fierce defender of the faith; a stone spike elemental, a terrible creation from the Inner Planes; and two shnooks by the name of Snoota and Delidgamond.
The Mission: Hold a mountain pass against the onslaught of Drazen's Horde.
Day 1
We see the dwarves, hard at work as they prepare their camp. The stone spike, a large elemental made of rock and shaped like a giant, many-fingered claw, rests near a gigantic rock. Two pudgy bald guys laze about nearby.
Dwarven Fighter: Come, Trooper Snoota and Delidgamond! There's work to be done!
Delidgamond: ....
Snoota: ....
Dwarven Fighter: Well, can't ye help any?
Snoota: Don't look at me! Deep-fry these rocks and sell them at a Drive-Thru, then we'll talk.
Delidgamond: I forgot whether I worked or not. I think I do something for Enron.
Dwarven Cleric: That's enough o' that! Get yer arses up and movin', or ye'll learn how our fathers disciplined lazy dwarves!
Delidgamond: Shit! If it's anything like my daddy did to ME, I don't want any part of it!
Dwarven Ranger: Git up and git to work!
Snoota: Ooooh! Look who's acting BIG! The ranger! Ha ha ha! What're you gonna do? Sully my clothes with your blood until I do what you say?
The Dwarven Ranger growls and sinks both of his picks into Snoota's skull. The bald fellow contemplates for a moment, blood dripping down his face.
Snoota: ...I would so pwn you on flameplay.
Day 4
The Dwarves mill about restlessly. The Stone Spike and two new recruits are strangely absent.
Dwarven Fighter: Alright...so none of ye have seen the Stone Spike?
Dwarven Ranger: Nay, nor the two orcspawn rookies.
Suddenly, there is a muffled sound of confusion from behind a rock.
Snoota: Doofus! That's not how it works! Hold still!
Delidgamond: I can't! It's all rocky and pointy!
The Dwarven Cleric gulps, then peers behind the rock. His eyes go wider than cannonballs.
Dwarven Cleric: Oh...sweet...Moradin...THAT'S NOT WHAT THE STONE SPIKE IS FOR!
Day 13: Day of the Onslaught
The Dwarves take their positions, ready for battle. At the end of the pass, we see a horde of savage humanoids charging forward, beating their shields and hooting wildly in anticipation.
Delidgamond and Snoota lurk at the back ranks.
Snoota: Why do we have to help?
Dwarven Cleric: Ye'll have to do TWICE the work since ye traumatized our Stone Spike! I don't think the Plane of Earth will EVER speak to us again after what ye did.
Delidgamond: I got a bad rash from that. I wanna go to the Plane of Preparation H.
Snoota: I don't wanna fight! I'm not a fighter, I'm a lo-...hmm...I'm a fat, hairy guy!
Dwarven Fighter: Cripes, man! Is there nothin' ta put that fiery Dwarven drive in ya?
The Ranger appears back from a scouting mission, red-faced and panting.
Dwarven Cleric: What news, scout?
Dwarven Ranger: They're armed ta the teeth! They're also eating Ultimate Cheeseburgers from Jack-In-The-Box.
Snoota is suddenly overcome with a sense of duty. He rises, grabs an axe, and moves to the front of the line.
Snoota: ....let me at 'em.
The Gory Aftermath: The Dwarves held the pass bravely until they were overrun by an Orc rush. Dwarven clerics still curse that day, as soon as they found out that the Orcs were allergic to Stone Spikes. While it seemed as though Snoota's new drive would win the day, the old saying still held true. "Chubby bald guys are no match for rampaging Ogres." The day was not won without casualties to the Horde, however. Many of the boldest soldiers still shiver at the mention of their most frightening opponent: "He-Who-Kiss-Himself"
End.
quote:
Mr. Parcelan had this to say about (_|_):
The Dwarven Ranger growls and sinks both of his picks into Snoota's skull. The bald fellow contemplates for a moment, blood dripping down his face.Snoota: ...I would so pwn you on flameplay.
Delidgamond: I got a bad rash from that. I wanna go to the Plane of Preparation H.
ROFL
Very nice, Parce-O-Rama.
quote:
Ryuujin had this to say about Optimus Prime:
can't...breathe...
[ 03-16-2002: Message edited by: Ferret ]
Makes me want to play that.
quote:
Oh...sweet...Moradin
I love it, but thank you for ending that scene where you did.
quote:
Mr. Parcelan had this to say about Optimus Prime:
Delidgamond: I got a bad rash from that. I wanna go to the Plane of Preparation H.
Kagrama dies laughing
quote:
Ryuujin thought this was the Ricky Martin Fan Club Forum and wrote:
can't...breathe...
quote:
Mr. Parcelan wrote this stupid crap:
Dwarven Ranger: They're armed ta the teeth! They're also eating Ultimate Cheeseburgers from Jack-In-The-Box.Snoota is suddenly overcome with a sense of duty. He rises, grabs an axe, and moves to the front of the line.
Snoota: ....let me at 'em.
quote:
Mr. Parcelan stumbled drunkenly to the keyboard and typed:
While it seemed as though Snoota's new drive would win the day, the old saying still held true."Chubby bald guys are no match for rampaging Ogres."
The format on this kinda reminds me of Prometheus and Bob, on Kablam!...my favorite part of that show.
Unfortunately, I'm never again going to be able to look at chainmail products without thinking of these stories and laughing. 
In the beginning the Universe was created.Douglas Adams, 1952-2001
quote:
Mr. Parcelan wrote this then went back to looking for porn:
"Chubby bald guys are no match for rampaging Ogres."
Word. Learn to recognize.
-Tok
quote:
Kloie wrote, obviously thinking too hard:
OMFG.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......that kicks so much ass.
