The Superfluos Wonderous fantablerositic Magical Mystical,
Terrible hideous nasty nonsensical shit,
JOSH AND FRANK!

Page 115 Bounder-Of-Adventurer

Page 134 Biggles dictates a letter

Other Monty Python Skit

INTRODUCTION

Frank
Welcome Folks! We have a great show for you tonight!

Josh (whispering)
That’s not the opening line…

Frank (whispering back)
I thought someone was supposed to be holding up cuecards…

Josh (whispering)
I told you yesterday, John quit yesterday.

Frank (whispering)
Oh hell…

Josh
Sorry everyone… we’re having a bit of a problem. That’s ok, though folks. The rest of the show will run smoothly. Riiight?

Frank
Right!

SCENE 1: Eating A Baby

Announcer
Scene One. Eating A Baby. Wait a minute… that’s rather… disturbing. Well, that’s what it says. Scene One. Eating A Baby.

[Scene One, Eating A Baby ensues. It is completely silent.]

SCENE 2: Monty Python Interlude

Announcer
And now a brief interlude from Monty Python. Hold on, isn’t that plajoris –

Frank’s Voice
Read it, fatso.

Announcer
And now, a brief interlude from Monty Python.

[First Monty Python Skit]
Page 115 Bounder-Of-Adventurer

SCENE 3: Stand Up Comedy Hour

Announcer
Scene Three. Stand up comedy hour. Well, it’s not really an hour… it’s just a few minutes or so, really.

Josh’s Voice
I don’t really like you… (sound of a gun cocking)

Announcer
Right! Scene Three! Stand up comedy hour.

Frank (onstage)
Heya heya heya folks! You’re great looking tonight, and I really mean that! Come on, lets have a round of applause!

(If we get a lot of applause):
I see the asylum has been letting out it’s inmates again!

(None or little)
Oh, the outpaints are out in force tonight!

Continued
Well, everybody let me tell you, I just a piece of swiss cheese before I came up here, and lemme just say, it was as full of holes as an irish protestant on a Sunday!

[hopefully, stunned silence]

(if stunned silence)
What? What’s the matter with you? You gotta something against god?

(if laughter)
What the hell are you people? Racists morons?

Continued
Alright, you know what I have to say about this? Well… hold on, I’m a little thirsty here. I’ll just get a drink from my OOOPS! (he spills the water on a plant in the audience)

Plant
What the?! What are you doing?!

Frank
Oops, sorry there buddy. Oh, I got ya all wet… Now you look like a giant pile of snot, don’tcha?

Pile Of Snot
Hey! Jesus!

Jesus (hidden in audience)
Hey.

Pile Of Snot (slightly stunned)
Oh… sorry.

Frank
Hey, jesus.

Jesus
Hey, how’ya doin there? It’s been a long time. I didn’t really appreciate that protestant thing, though. You might wanna watch it, the big guy doesn’t take to insults too well.

Frank
Oh sorry, didn’t mean to offend god.

Jesus
No, no

Big Man Bubba Plant
Yea. I doesn’t like bein offendided.

Jesus (putting his arm around the Bad Comic)
Listen, come with me for a second. I’ll buy you a drink or something and we can talk…

(they walk offstage right and pass a park bench upon which are sitting two women, Josh and Someone Else)

Announcer
Scene 4, Oh good lord! This is disgusting!

Frank’s Voice
Alright! That’s enough! (blast of gun)

Someone Else
Hey, Lois, I don’t feel… fresh.

Lois/Josh
Wha? Oh me dear! Look at yerself! Yea’re bleedin all over the bench! I understand yea’re problem exactly me deary!

Someone Else
Oh, thank you! I was afraid no one would!

Lois/Josh
That’s right, deary! In the Old Country we used to just shove a cork in it! But now, in the wonderful New World we have something even better! Tampons!

Frank (returning as salesman)
Are you tired of listening to disgusting personal ads on the radio? Do you change your station everytime something like “Be a man again, Supererecto” or “Womens Yeast Problems Solved!, Menstruate 53”? Then this is the commericial for you! The Cookomatic 2000!

Mother (someone else has now put on an apron)
I don’t have time to make meals for our children, let alone the family dog. We had to put it down and my husband lost his job. Someone help me!

Frank (as the greasy salesman)
I can help you, Madame Povre. What we have here is the Cookomatic 2000! [holy music sounds as the cookomatic is rolled out] It cooks at one tenth of the power of the sun, and can microwave any object from your nasty uncle Tom

Nasty Uncle Josh
Ahhh! I lost a leg in the war!

Child
No you didn’t Uncle Tom…

Frank
To your goldfish!

Child
Mommy? Where did goldy go?

Mother
To heaven, honey. Now eat your fried goldfish.

Frank
Buy the cookomatic 2000 today! And for all you old people….

Josh (quickly changing into Frank Sinatra Salesman)
All you old people, listen up! We have a new product for you! Have you had problems moving your bowels lately? Just can’t get that nice relaxing feeling on the toilet? There is an answer, my geriatric friends! We’ve developed a new product to help you! Now you can feel just fine in the bathroom! Jooooooce Of The Coconut!

Francine
My husband and I wasted forty years… on… the… toilet…

Josh (pushing Francine’s wheelchair out of the way and walking forward as she screams and toples)
Well, now you can regain your revitality and your fiber can flow free again! Joooce of the Coconut! Get it today! (softer) side effects include constipation, liver failure, spleen failure, heart failure, brain failure, phantom third limb, excess bodily fluids, dehydration, and explosive also dangerous flatulence.

Francine (whig askew, standing, obviously a man, and in a deep voice)
Where the hell’s my money?

Josh
Er… HELP!!!!!

Francine (removing whig and NOT chasing Josh)
Excuse me? Anybody home?

Josh (returning with the apron on)
Oh! Hello there… dear.

Francine
Ah, hello m’am. You called?

Josh
You’re the plumber, right? Well, the problems this way.

Francine
Ok m’am… I would appreciate it if you stopped looking at me like that. It… distracts me.

Josh
Like what, my hansome young man?

Francine
Uh… do you REALLY have a clogged drain m’aim?

Josh
Oh, more than you know, young seducer!

Francine
All right, you old bag, that’s just disgusting! I’m getting out of here!

Josh
Wait! WAIT! My husband died ten years ago! I’m in desperate need of a young HANSOME man like you! Come back! Come back! Come! Awwww… (walks back to the table that lights up. Her Husband is sitting there)

Husband
What the hell was that all about? I’m still alive, and you know it!

Josh
Too bad, isn’t it?

Husband
I can’t stand you! I’m going out for a drink!

Josh
Again?

Husband
Well, looking at your ugly mug, I think I’m going to need one.

(Husband walks off left and the stage left side of the stage (which has been turned into a bar) lights up. Inside are the Bad Comedian and Jesus sharing a drink)

Jesus
Well, it looks like it’s about time for an intermission. What do you think, big guy? (looking up)

(Bubba stands in the audience)

Bubba
Yes!

INTERMISSION

Josh the Greasy Salesman Character
Welcome back, people. We’ve run out of ideas while you were gone. I’m afraid you’re all going to have to go home. Unfortunately, we can’t refund you’re hard earned money. Ta.

[there is a long silence as Josh stares at the audience]

Josh
No, you don’t understand… This isn’t a skit. None of this was scripted, we were just making stuff up on the spot. So… leave. Well, I guess you can stay if you want, but there isn’t anything left to see.

(Josh exits and Philip Glass starts playing over the sound system)

[Long pause]

(Philip Glass fades away. Josh comes back onstage)

Josh
What? You still here? Fine. We’ll put on something, just for you. (venomously)

(Frank comes onstage with a trash can, a broom and several other instruments. He hands the trash can and two drumsticks to Frank. We begin to dance and play our ‘instruments’)

Frank
Ok, yea. This is no good. How about a great finale, Josh? Any ideas?

Josh
Well… we could do something involving… Current Events? I mean like, Arabs and the like…

Frank
What, you mean like… (fade in never be rude to an arab)

Jesus (once again in the audience)
Holy Me!

(He pulls out a gun and shoots Frank)

Josh
Jesus!

Jesus
What?

(Josh drags Frank offstage)

Josh
Well, while he recovers… I’ll play you a little tune on the piano. Let me just see if I can remember here….
(Josh plays the most disharmonius shit that he can possibly think of)

Josh
Thank you! Thank you!

Frank (emerging from backstage)
Oooh, my aching head… Get off stage, you tit. Time for some real entertainment.

Josh (sourly)
And now… the Amazing Frank. Jesus.

Jesus
Stop doing that!

The Fabulous Frank

Frank
Well, now if I may be serious for a moment

(a moment passes)

Frank
Now if we can begin, would Sandy please bring out my materials?

(John comes out)

Frank
For my first trick, to turn this young man into my assistant, Sandy.

Frank (tossing John a blond wig)
Okay, for my second trick, I will now show you the mystery of my healing powers. I will cut myself leaving no wound. However, I will need someone from the audience. Anyone?

Frank talks to the person about their lives, joking around a little

Frank (hands the person a scissor)
Okay, now, see this spot on my wrist? Okay, I will count to three. After the number three, you need to drive the scissor as hard down as possible. If you do it before three, the trick will not work and you’ll be leaving with a lawsuit. Mmkay? AFTER I say three. After. Remember. After.

(Does trick as planned)
Frank
What the hell! Are you insane?! I was kidding! Don’t you know a joke?! Jeez…anyhow…we’ll do the next trick. Please, hand me a twenty, or any other paper currency you have. Nothing above twenty

(Does dollar trick, adlib)

Frank
Okay, thanks for being a sport. How about a round of applause for (so and so)! Hehe, okay. See ya at home. Now my final trick (adlib about box of deadly stuff, at which point, randomly, Frank scatters the contents onto the audience as the lights go black immediately)

(When lights return, The Who’s Seeker is playing)

Ozius

ROFL!! its great!

Ozius

Good work, Oz!