I got called at 6:43 AM to get in my brother's truck for the ride to the hospital. I've just spent four hours watching numbers on her monitor with my brother, sister, father, grandfather, and my aunt, feeling like a ghoul.

Finally, my brother had to leave to take care of his boys, so I went with him, after saying goodbye to my gramma English; maker of the best turkey gravy in the world, which is all I could think of to say.

She probably doesn't have more than a few hours left, so I should get off the phone.

Details later, but for now I have to get some sleep. Just wanted anyone who might be looking for me this weekend I probably won't be around much...

I love you Gramma.

I'm sorry Might

I'm so sorry man.

My great-grandfather has been steadily deteriorating for awhile now. In and out of the hospital, carries an oxygen tank around. He fell and hurt his hip a few months ago...*sigh*

Kloie hugs Mightion again.

Illanae hugs you

*huggles Might*

I don't think I can put into words how sorry I am.

I just woke up a few minutes ago, so I'm a little more coherent than I was when I got home.

She's still hanging on, for want of a better phrase. I just had to say my goodbyes and get out of there - there is a total lack of dignity in an SICU room - she's on a respirator, with tubes all over the place... it looks as bad as you've heard. It is NOT the way I want to remember her.

She went in a few days ago, for surgery for a bowel obstruction. Before they could do the surgery, they discovered she'd had at least one heart attack. In addition to that, she's developing kidney failure and an infection resulting from the obstruction. They won't operate because she'd never make it. The doctors were telling us it won't be long, and my grandfather doesn't know what to do... My sister said before she left (she couldn't take it anymore, either) my grandfather was talking about how she might want to live to see her great-grandchildren grow up...

But that's not going to happen. Everyone in the room kept switching from talking to her to talking ABOUT her, which I thought wasn't appropriate. But my sister told my grandmother before she left, that if she wanted to take a rest, or if that there was something she needed to do, it was okay.

Glad I wasn't there for that... I would have wanted to say the same things, but I would have lost it. I almost did on my way out of there.

God, I never want to go like that... surrounded by family, sure, but not hooked up like that.

Well, that's all for now, and once again, I thank you all.

*hugs Might*

"To the living we owe only respect, to the dead, only truth."

It is...tricky...to discern the line between respect for the dying, and the truth we want to give the dead. We want to not feel our pain, so it's easier to discuss the dying as if they were already gone. Then when they're gone, how many people remember those last moments? Very few. We're embarassed that we were that way, and we avoid re-living the grief we felt.

I think it is as important to remember how someone died as it is to remember how they lived. Yes...the machinery is terrible, but remember it. Never forget it. The horror you felt seeing a beloved relative hooked up to a machine is nothing compared, I think, to the mortification the person felt. Remember it and respect it. And respect them for hanging on just a little bit longer despite that. In the end, we're all martyrs, and we're all saints.

Your grandmother was a remarkable woman, Mightion. She influenced your life, and you're a remarkable man. She will continue to influence your life now that she's gone. Once her pain is gone, she'll be safe, and warm, and protected from all the things in the world that cause pain. She will be okay, Mightion.

Unfortunately that doesn't likely help you right now. It is a crisis in your life to lose someone you care about. I remember how panicked I felt when Lyinar went to have her gall bladder removed. What if something happened, what if she got sick afterwards, what if I never had a chance to look her in the eyes and tell her all the things I meant to say? Lyinar lived. Your grandmother's leaving. Know that she loves you, and know that she knows that you love her. It will be okay, my friend. And until it is, and even afterwards, I will be here for you. You're not alone.

There is not much that words can say to express how you feel about your Grandma. Just the same, there are no words to express how badly I feel for you.

Take care of yourself, see your Grandma as much as you can. And let her know that you love her. It will be to soon and that chance will be gone.

*Hugs*

Blessed are you, Adonai our god, king of the universe, who comandeth all things. May this soul which writhes in agony be given safe passage into the next world. And upon arival, may she live in eternal bliss, under your everwatchful eye. And may your power make her last moments peaceful and painless, for your mercy is great, and your power infinite. May we now bless the lives of all who this woman has touched, and may they all be given the strength to deal with this crisis. And may her soul be allowed to look down upon the world of men, and smile, knowing she has left a group of strong, intelliget people upon it. Amen.

Again, I am truely sorry. I know how you feel. I lost my grandmother when I was 3. I remember it clearly, and it was devestating. Just hope you can let her know what she means to you, and that she will be happy. I know this sounds a little sappy, but I'm actually crying myself. I hope this does not bear down to heavily on your soul. God bless you and your entire family.

Turns out my grandmother woke up a second time last night, and she was lucid enough to tell the doctors and everyone she didn't want the surgery.

This morning, she's no longer responsive, my brother tells me, and the only question now is how long they're going to leave her on the respirator. She's at the point where she can "live" indefinitely on it, and she made it clear apparently she didn;t want that.

* sigh * Don't get me started on the DNR rules around here...