All people face trials in their lives. Some are simple and pass by unnoticed. Others are events that take your world spin it in more direction than a person can keep up with. And yet others are trials that decide if our lives will continue on the same if at all.

It is now two years to the day that my trial began. And I fear yet that I shall not survive it. My days are filled with Memories of the person I love with all my heart. My nights are filled with nightmares centered around her. People oft tell me to let it go, two years is long enough they say. But I don't think two years is even the beginning. I live every day wondering what may have been. Could I be sitting in a house right now with my wife and children? Yes I could be. Instead I sit here, alone.

I can not put into words how far I have slipped since that moment. I can pinpoint the exact moment in time where everything changed. I had just gotten off the phone with a dear friend of mine who was going through some hard times of her own. My family called me downstairs and handed me the paper. They had marked the place on the page. It took a few moment for things to fall into place. I don't think my mind wanted to quite process the information it was receiving. A part of me refused to read what I saw.
I remember running up the steps, never saying a word. I called her number but no one answered. Even her answering machine didn't pick up. The rest of the night was a blur. No... The rest of my life has been a blur. That night I screamed and I haven't stopped since. The night she died I died as well. I feel sometimes as though I am a walking corpse...
No that isn't right either. I know I am alive. I am in constant pain, both mentally and physically. But I would be lying if I said the thought of following her has not crossed my mind. For a goodly amount of time it was an ever-present though. And even now that it has passed there are days when I think of what would happen if I was to join her. Would I be missed? Doubtful. Would I see her again? Possibly. Although I know she resides in heaven if there is one and that path will not be open to me at the time of my passing. So here I will say until a time not of my own choosing.

So on I go with this trial.. Every day the burden becomes greater. And I wonder: How long can my form support it. When will I fall under it. Every day that passes brings that moment closer. And every day I can only hope and pray that the night will be followed by another sunrise, as dull as they now seem to me.

With so many younger people on this board I now say this:
As you grow older you will notice something. The people in your life become fewer. Some will move, others will just drift away, some will pass beyond the mortal coil. To all of them take a moment and tell them you love them. Be it a friend, a parent, a teacher, or whomever else is special to you. It is that one moment you don't tell them that they are special that will haunt you for the rest of your life. It is the one time you could have hugged them and didn't, that will leave you feeling alone and lonely when they are gone.

I admit to not reading it all. Well, any of it.

But it looks like it said something good.

That was beautiful and saddening all at once.

*huggles Azizza*

*hugs Azizza* Found a present for you the other night.. Check your PM's shortly

[ 01-01-2002: Message edited by: Synjari ]

Beautifully written, what can I say?
Other than it was beautifully written heh.
I lost several friends in my life, all were my best friends. 7 to be exact. Some from cancer, some from gun shot wounds, some from moving. Try and get on with your life though, I may have been to young to understand any of them, but I know missing them wont bring them back.

As someone in a dangerous profession, I know more than my share of dead people.

But, while I empathize wholeheartedly, I don't sympathize in the least.

Living in the past is bad.

Agonizing over might-have-beens is destructive.

Torturing yourself over things you can't control is pointless.

Accept the past, live in the present, and plan for the future.

Think of it this way: if the tragic situation had been reversed, would you want her to live the rest of her life in a self-inflicted orgy of doubt and remorse? I think you're a better person than that.

Moving on implies no desecration of fond memories, or abandonment of what might have been. What might have been comes no closer, thus. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact.

You've proven yourself time and again as someone with a sense of honor, a passion for what's right, and a strong measure of self-discipline. Why waste those attribute?

If nothing else, why not dedicate yourself to living well in her memory?

Even better, why not make a concerted effort to live life for yourself, while still treasuring your memories of a golden time in your past?

A person's true measure is taken not when times are good, but in the way they handle adversity.

Rise to your potential.

Imagining unexpectedly losing the one I love makes me certain that there's nothing that could be said to console you, because nothing would console me. It's admirable that you have the tenacity to aknowledge that doing yourself in is not an answer, and I sometimes doubt I'd be able to do the same in that situation.

There is no advice to be given or consolation to offer that I'm certain you haven't recieved already. I can only hope you find something in this life to give it meaning again, something worth living for to ease the hurt... nobody should suffer what you have. All I know to say is I'm sorry for you, and hope that things somehow get better.

Bah, and once again, I wish I had some all-powerful words to say that'd act like a bandaid and help soothe things, make it all better...

Bah.

I'm just... sorry. Heh, trial of a writer, when they can't really put what they're thinking down. Just... live, and know there're people out there that'll try and make it better, even if they don't know how to say how.