edit: oh yeah, and great story. [ 08-18-2002: Message edited by: Moffles ]
^_^
quote:
A sleep deprived Vise the Stompy stammered:
Less anger, more funny. I find this story to be hilarious and don't want it to go down in a blaze of flame war posts.
quote:
King Parcelan enlisted the help of an infinite number of monkeys to write:
Karnalf: ...no, it's time to discuss the return of Mauradon.Elsart: Oh, right. Well, why don't we just give him a funny title and mock him about his hatred of Shamans?
Karnalf: That would certainly prove amusing, but it wouldn't really help.
A wonderful line. ^^
Disclaimer: I'm just kidding, I love all living things.
The fastest draw in the Crest.
"The Internet is MY critical thinking course." -Maradon
"Gambling for the husband, an abortion for the wife and fireworks for the kids they chose to keep? Fuck you, Disneyland. The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the happiest place on Earth." -JooJooFlop
Scene opens up at the great walls of Moronia, where the Fellowship is currently standing before a great door inscribed with moonlit runes.
We shift over to Chalwise and Stridejah, with the pony: Phil.
Stridejah: The mines are no place for a pony...even one as brave as Phil.
Chalwise: B'bye Phil...good thing this wasn't like the book, otherwise I'd start breaking down like a sissy right now.
Stridejah: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Have you actually seen this movie?
Camera zooms back to Karnalf and Vorbo looking at the moonlit runes.
Karnalf: It says, "Behold the Mines of Moronia, Built by Balin, Sold by Century 21st. If you be welcome, speak friend and enter."
Vorbo: What does it mean? If you're a friend, you speak the password and enter?
Karnalf: Well, no, it actually means that you speak the Elvish word for 'friend', and it opens up. But we'll try your theory for a half hour or so.
Vorbo: Whatever for?
Karnalf: Well, we've got to give Blindin and Keggy time to arouse the great beast beneath the lake.
Blindin: Yeah, about that...how do you turn a lake monster on?
Karnalf: I mean wake it up.
Keggy: ....rats.
An hour or so of Karnalf yelling things at the door, and Keggy and Blindin throwing stones in the water passes.
Karnalf: ....oooookay. Here we go. Did you manage to wake the beast?
Blindin: I saw some bubbles, but then again, Gydli just took a bath.
Gydli: Beards are not the only hairs on a dwarf that needs caring for!
Karnalf: ...well, I don't want to hear any more of that, so we're just going to hope it's awake.
Karnalf points his staff at the door and cries "Belloc!"
Karnalf: Alright, now everyone remember to act surprised when we see the dead people.
The doors creak open slowly and the Fellowship begins to walk in.
Gydli: Soon, Mr. Elf, you will experience the fabled hospitality of the dwarves!
Faegolas: Woah there! If it's anything like Elven hospitality, I'm gonna need some time to stretch first!
Gydli: The greatest hall of treasure in Middle-Earth and they call it a mine! A MINE!
Karnalf's staff illuminates the Hall, shedding light on dozens of dwarven corpses jutting with arrows.
Gydli: ...OHNOZE!@#
Faegolas leans down and looks at one of the arrows.
Faegolas: Goblins!
Waisztomir: This isn't a mine...it's a tomb.
Stridejah: That was very clever.
Waisztomir: Thank you.
Vorbo: What's everyone looking so depressed about? Am I the only one that sees serious "Weekend at Bernie's" material here?
Suddenly, Vorbo is jerked off his feet by a giant tentacle! Screaming, he is flung into the air above a devilish kraken!
Chalwise: VORB-...wow! Great effects!
Vorbo, while dangling above the creature's maw, suddenly spies a scantily-clad female dark elf, tentacles writhing in and out of her clothing.
Lashanna: Hi there!
Vorbo: ...
Lashanna: Oh, don't mind me. There were too many gay jokes in this parody anyways. This kind of thing is...refreshing!
Vorbo: ...it doesn't look so refreshing.
Suddenly, an arrow sinks into the tentacle, dropping Vorbo back onto the ground! Gathering him up, the Fellowship flees into the caverns!
Karnalf: RUN!
Faegolas: Are you nuts? Why?! Didn't you see me just shoot that arrow into such a far-away target?
Karnalf: This creature is far beyond our power to defeat! I said, RUN!
Faegolas: Seriously, dude, we've got, like, three tanks and I can sink an arrow into almost anything. Why are we running from everything?
Karnalf sighs and clubs Faegolas over the head with his staff, then drags him into the mines after the others just in time for the Watcher in the Water to destroy the passageway behind them.
Karnalf: Well, it seems we now have no choice...but to face the long, dark road of Moronia...
Faegolas: We could be going another way if we had fought! Seriously, dudes, did you see me back there? We could've taken that AND the Fazgu-*whack!* OOF!
Scene blacks out and opens up as the Fellowship has come to a halting point as Karnalf does not remember the way. He sits and ponders.
Vorbo peers over the side of the cliff to see a small, bald, pasty-white and pudgy creature moving amongst the rocks.
Vorbo: Something's following us!
Karnalf: It's Delidgollum...
Vorbo: Who?
Karnalf: Shit, this is why the author should've watched the DVD before starting this goddamn thing. He's the guy that had the Ring before Snootbo.
Vorbo: Ah, good. We can start a fantastic duologue from there. Pity Snootbo didn't kill him earlier...
Karnalf: Pity? It was pity that stayed Snootbo's hand!...that and the fact that the little porker's been stealing fries from McDonald's to the point that he can't lift his fatass up to fight anymore. The point is: not all that live deserve death, and not all that die deserve life.
Vorbo: ...wait, is that how it goes?
Karnalf: Shut up. I'm the perpetually wise one here.
Vorbo: This makes so little sense! I wish none of this had never happened! I wish I had never been chosen for this parody!
Karnalf: So do all that get cast in these silly little parodies. And yet, people still whine for parts...but anyways, it is not ours to choose whether we get in or get out of these things...but how funny we are in doing them.
Karnalf suddenly raises a brow.
Karnalf: Ah...it's this way!
Waisztomir: He remembers!
Karnalf: No...but the air isn't so foul down here. Then again, maybe that's because I moved further away from you smelly bastards...anyways, let's go down.
The Fellowship goes down a small flight of stairs to wind up in a large, pillared hallway.
Karnalf: Now...let me chance a little more light.
His staff lights up even further, illuminating the hall.
Karnalf: BEHOLD! The Great Hall of Moronia!
Gydli spies a small corridor off to the left.
Gydli: Eh? What's that?
Karnalf: Gydli! No! Come back!
Gydli rushes off to the corridor to find a small tomb complete with dwarf corpse accessories! He spies a sarcophagus and goes slack-jawed, he bows his head and begins to weep as the others come into the hall.
Faegolas: Hey, we probably shouldn't dawdle and-...what's the matter with him?
Stridejah: Crap. Did someone tell him we were out of Lunchables? There, there, Gydli...we'll stop at a Burger King on the way back.
Karnalf meanders over to a dust-laden tome and begins to read a few select passages.
Karnalf: "From the Hand of Balion, Paladin and Smith, Lord of Moronia...they have pushed us back into this room...our supplies are dwindling...Aurelt hasn't called in three days...does she still love me...has she run off with that monk...we hear drums in the dark...we cannot get out...THEY ARE COMING..."
Vorbo: Do you have to lean over so close when you say that last part?
Karnalf: That depends...are you freaking out yet?
Suddenly, there is a loud crash. The Fellowship turns to see Blindin as he accidentally pushes a fully armored skeleton down a well, making a hellish racket.
Karnalf: Fool of a Wangwaver! Throw your cock in next time, maybe it won't make such a loud noise!
Waisztomir: PWND!
Suddenly, drums begin to emanate from the darkness...
DOOM....DOOM...TING TING...
Whoops, that last one was a triangle.
Waisztomir peeks out the door, then shuts it back up in time to avoid an arrow flying into the wooden door.
Stridejah and Faegolas rush over to board it up.
Waisztomir: They have a Canadian Troll...
Gydli: Let them come! There is yet one dwarf in Moronia who still draws breath!
Orc from Outside: Did you hear that guys?! There's still a dwarf in there!
Orcs: KILL! KILL! KILL!
Karnalf: ...nice.
The orcs break through and rush forward to engage the Fellowship in the big fight scene.
Several minutes later...
Karnalf: Well, that was easy!
Stridejah: Yes, indeed! We've never ever escaped without a scratch before.
Waisztomir: I don't know why we kept running from all those fights before.
Suddenly, a big Canadian troll lumbers in.
Trollvyen: Ah! The perfect people to listen to my 100-page thesis on why I like swords clubs!
Karnalf: ...
Waisztomir: Ah yes, that's why.
Stridejah: RUN!
Scene changes to the great hall as the Fellowship flees from a charging horde of goblins!
Faegolas: Has it ever struck you as ironic that the most heroic music in the movie plays when we're running for our lives?
The Fellowship comes to a halt as the Goblins surround them and begin to menace them with spears!
Blindin: We're doomed!
Keggy: This is it!
Suddenly, cryptic music begins to play as the goblins look about, terrified, and begin to disperse.
Faegolas: Phew! Saved!
Karnalf: You idiot! Why would you think we'd be saved by cryptic music?
A hellish red light beams forth from between the pillars. A demonic, growling voice is heard...
"OH HAELOS!! HAEY GOBBELINS! Do we haev soem geusts?! Haenng oen for a mintue orTWO wheil I maek some TEA!"
Karnalf: ...A Kagramarog...an ancient demon from the netherworld known as 'Canada'...RUN!
The chase is on as the Fellowship flees from the ever-following red light. Assaulted by goblin arrows, they begin jumping the broken down bridges as they head for the Bridge of Khazad Dum!
Vorbo: Whee! This is fun! Do you really need to hold me that close to you, Stridejah?
Stridejah: ...yes.
Kagramarog: HAEY! WAIETS UPP!1 I HAEV SCRABBEL! WE COULED ALL PLAEY A GAEME OR TOO!
Karnalf: Quickly! The bridge isn't that far!
The Fellowship quickly hoofs it to the single-man bridge as a great fire engulfs the path behind them. Bursting from the flame emerges a giant stick-man of magma and fire.
Kagramarog: WELL TAHT WAS QUEIT THE CHAES! IEF I DIED NOT KNOEWS BETTAR I WOUELD SAY YUO WEARE RUNNING FROMM ME!
Karnalf: BACK, DEMON! I, MASTER OF THE FLAME OF ARNA, TURN YOU BACK! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Kagramarog: WHUT?! Buet...i haev Yahtzee, too!
Karnalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Kagramarog: MAEYBE LAETER WE COULD PLAEY WITH MEY SLIPNSLIED AND WATECH SCAERY MOVIES!
Karnalf: YUO-...er...YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
The Kagramarog begins to weep tears of magma and turns back, running off into the darkness of Moronia.
Karnalf: Well, that was fortunate! I thought for sure I was gonna die.
A sudden breeze knocks Karnalf's hat off of his head.
Kagramarog: OHLOOEKS YUO DROPED YUOR HAET! LETME GET TAHT FOR YUO!
Karnalf: Thanks, but I've got it.
Kagramarog: NONSENES! IT SI THE LAEST I CAEN DO! WHOOPS! A ROCKE! CLUMSEY ME!
The great demon trips and falls onto the bridge, collapsing it to rubble and falling into the darkness below, leaving Karnalf hanging by his fingertips.
Kagramarog: OHNOE! NOET AGAEN!!11!
The Fellowship looks on in astonishment as Karnalf looks up in dire warning from his position...
Karnalf: VORBO! VORBO!
Vorbo: YES, KARNALF!
Waisztomir: Jesus H. Christ, can we stop with the caps already?
Karnalf: Vorbo...FLY, YOU FOOLS! Like I did with your mom last night!
Karnalf falls down into the darkness as the others begin to flee.
Vorbo: KAAAAAAAAARNAAAAAAAALF! Damn! Now I'll never be able to give him my retort!
Stridejah begins to drag Vorbo off out of the mines as goblins fire arrows and heavenly, depressing music plays, all the while wondering where the hell it's coming from.
A touching scene occurs outside the mines as the Fellowship weep and console each other over the loss of Karnalf.
Stridejah: Faegolas! Get the map! We cannot rest here.
Waisztomir: Give them a moment, for pity's sake!
Stridejah: By nightfall, these hills will be swarming with orcs! Many named 'Bubba' and 'Nasty Nate'! I don't want to be with a bunch of young, weeping men when they come around! Now, let's move, we must make for the Lorien!
Everyone continues to weep. Stridejah sighs heavily.
Stridejah: ...or, we could just sit here and cry like pansies.
To Be Continued...YUO BET YUO SONNY JIM!!!
Kagrama for CRAYZ HOG!!111 president.
quote:
We were all impressed when King Parcelan wrote:
Karnalf: Fool of a Wangwaver! Throw your cock in next time, maybe it won't make such a loud noise!Waisztomir: PWND!
Bwahahahahaha.....
funny.
sigpic courtesy of This Guy, original modified by me
Lyinar Ka`Bael, Piney Fresh Druidess - Luclin
quote:
King Parcelan had this to say about Punky Brewster:
Faegolas: Has it ever struck you as ironic that the most heroic music in the movie plays when we're running for our lives?
Heh.
Thinking about your posts
(and billing you for it) since 2001
Funny stuff
quote:
Check out the big brain on Blind Swordsman!
i would have thrown my wang in the well, but it wouldn't fit.
it must have been a small well.
Rofl parce...some of your best work.
quote:
Vorbis of Pie had this to say about Tron:
Jimminy Jillikers! I bleed, but in a good way.
Afraid to ask from where...
Yes Parce, your doing very good. I'm not pissing in laughter but then again, I am partially alseep.
Continue the good work and I hope to have an embolism from your work, later on.
Cthulhu
[ 08-26-2002: Message edited by: Chalesm ]
In the beginning the Universe was created.Douglas Adams, 1952-2001
Parcie you need to PM me wihen you make more to it so I know! I don't reaad everything nanymore because it hurts my head but I wanna know what happens! I just read Yourrrr wholde story and I love it! the Kagramarog made me laugh so hard and Gikky made me want ice cream!
yay!
You are so smart and talented!
Expect it either tomorrow or Thursday, and not a moment later.
In the meantime, please consider the following: Galadripips.
Thank you.
-Your friends at PMC (Parcelan Movie Classics)
Piper.
Galandriel.
This should be choice.
Figures. I ask for a part, and I'm a dead dwarf in a tomb and Gydli's father.
*rubs his hands together in eager anticapation*
quote:
Nobody really understood why D© wrote:
It is now Friday.
Yeah... spooky. Same thing happened a week ago.
quote:
There was much rejoicing when Mightion Defensor said this:
Figures. I ask for a part, and I'm a dead dwarf in a tomb and Gydli's father.
You should be so lucky! My father was whoever Parce conceives as Gloin! Yer just a stinkin' cousin! 
Thinking about your posts
(and billing you for it) since 2001
quote:
Judge Gydyon wrote, obviously thinking too hard:
You should be so lucky! My father was whoever Parce conceives as Gloin! Yer just a stinkin' cousin!
Oops, silly me. Cut me some slack - just read the 1000+ page combo volume I bought...
Damn, Tolkien was a wordy bastard, but boy, is The Hobbit an easy read afterwards.
The scene opens up with the Fellowship walking carefully through the woods. Every now and then, a haunting whisper wafts through the trees, like: "Voooorboooo..." or "You bring great evil to the Lorien..." or "Punch the monkey and win 20$!"
Stuff like that.
Gydli: Stay close to me, hobbits...closer....closer...Aye. Gydli likes. Anyways, it's said that these woods are home to an elven sorceress...who enchants creatures...and they are never heard from again...is that enough exposition?
Stridejah: That'll do nicely, thanks.
Gydli: Well, this is one dwarf she won't be getting!
Suddenly, a bunch of crazy elves show up and point drawn bows at the Fellowship. A lone, shirtless elf approaches.
Elethir: The dwarf was breathing so loud we could've shot him in the dark.
Gydli: Hmph!
Vorbo: Ha ha!
Elethir: And your hobbits' feet smell so bad, we could've shot them through a brick wall.
Vorbo: Fuck you!
Stridejah: Elethir of Loserlorien, we need desperately to speak with the lady of the wood.
Elethir: That was supposed to be in elvish...
Stridejah: ...babelfish.com was down.
Elethir: Ah. Okay, follow me.
The Fellowship begins to follow the shirtless.
Stridejah: It wasn't really necessary to threaten us with your bows, was it?
Elethir: No, but it was worth it to see the little chubby hobbit wet himself.
Chalwise: Thank goodness we get outfits courtesy of the elves in the next scene!
Elethir: Don't think we'll wash your old ones.
Chalwise: That's okay, I'm bound to almost drown at some point in this story.
The scene changes to a beautiful elven forest with several pictures of Smokey the Bear saying: "Only YOU can prevent Uruk-Hai".
We transist to the top of one such tree as the Fellowship is greeted by a beautiful elven lord and lady.
Taranborn: Eight are here yet nine left Rivendell...tell me...where is Karnalf...for I would very much like to speak...with...him...
Stridejah: Didn't we see you back in Rivendell?
Taranborn: No, you must've seen my amazingly similar foe: Elsart. He's a fool...but goddamn, he is one sexy son'bitch. Damn that handsome devil.
Stridejah: Right. How do you explain the Shatner-esque monologue just then?
Taranborn: ...didn't you have something to say, my lady?
Galadrapips: Hmm? No, this dress doesn't come with a flap.
Taranborn: *ahem*
Galadrapips: OH! Right! He...wait for it...has fallen into shadow.
Applause from the Fellowship.
Galadrapips: Thank you...now to fuck with your minds!
Waisztomir looks at her for a moment...then begins to weep openly.
Galadrapips: Umm...I have yet to go anywhere near your mind.
Waisztomir: Well, shit. There goes my excuse.
Galadrapips raises an eyebrow and looks at Vorbo, speaking to him mentally.
Galadrapips: "You bring great evil to the Lorien!"
Vorbo: *gasp!*
Galadarapips: "And stop picturing me naked. This is why we don't let hobbits in here anymore!"
Vorbo: ...dang.
Scene fades out and opens back up as the Fellowship is resting at the base of a giant tree. Mournful songs fill the air...
Faegolas: They mourn for Gandalf...they sing tales of him...
Stridejah: What do they say?
Faegolas: I haven't the heart to tell you...
But fortunately for you, WE do! Roughly translated from Elvish, here is the song...
NORTH CAROLINAAAAAA!
C'MON 'N RAISE UP!
TAKE YO' SHIRT OFF!
TWIST IT 'ROUND YO' HAND!
SPINNIT LIKE A HELUH-COPTAH!
Thank you.
Stridejah meanders over to Waisztomir.
Waisztomir: ...about earlier...
Stridejah: Yeah, way to act like a pussy in front of the elfbitch. I bet she thinks we're a bunch of cool heroes NOW!
Waisztomir: ...she...she spoke in my mind...told me about Gondor...and the king...
Stridejah: What did she say?
Waisztomir: She said..."You will not produce an heir to Gondor...possibly because you're going to die, possibly because you'll never get laid. Think about it."
Stridejah: ...fuck, Karnalf got off easy. I could only PRAY that another Balrog would come down and kill me! But noooooo! Being the Once and Future King means dealing with your Once and Future Pussy subjects! Cripes! I hope Vorbo is faring better than I...
Scene shifts to a sacred glen with the Pool of Galadrapips in it. We see Vorbo watching as the lady walks across on bare feet, the filthy hippy.
She slowly begins to pour water into the pool...
Galadrapips: Will you look into the mirror?
Vorbo: ...what will I see?
Galadrapips: Well...you've already missed the Sopranos. But you can tune in for some things that have yet to pass.
Vorbo: Ooh! Count me in!
Vorbo leans over the pool to peer in, and is immediately greeted with visions of hobbits burning and evil overrunning the land, and finally...the EYE OF MAURADON!
BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!
Thank you percussions.
Vorbo begins to draw back.
Galadrapips: I know what it is you saw...for it was in my mind as well...
Vorbo: Then can you also see what I'm looking at now?
Galadrapips: Er...
Vorbo: It's like the Pamela and Tommy Lee video...except Tommy Lee is all scrawny and pointy-eared and Pamela is a brunette...
Galadrapips: Yeah, this is where you fall backwards.
Vorbo: Oh...sorry...by the way, when will this be on the internet?
Galadrapips: Look, I'm only supposed to turn into a crazy she-bitch a little later. Stop fucking with the cues.
Vorbo: ...sorry. So, what am I supposed to do?
Galadrapips: You must take the ring to Mordor...
Vorbo: Well...why don't you take it?
Vorbo offers the ring to Galadrapips, who turns into a devilish, gray-skinned she-beast and begins to howl!
Galadrapips: Yes! Middle-Earth will not have an emporer! But a QUEEN! GREAT AND TERRIBLE IN HER MAJESTY AND BEAUTY!
Vorbo: Criminy...even elves have that time of the month...
Galadrapips slowly reverts to her normal self and assumes a baffled expression.
Galadrapips: I have passed the test...and with my scores, I will go to Harvard and get my bachelor's degree...
Vorbo: What about diminishing and going into the west?
Galadrapips: Tuh! Typical male thinking! Can a woman not have a career of her own?
Vorbo: Maybe in flipping the fuck out...but anyways, what am I supposed to do?
Galadrapips: This quest is one only you can do. If you do not take this challenge...no one else will. It stands upon the edge of a knife, stray but a little...and it will fail.
Vorbo: ...but weren't you supposed to say that earlier on in this part?
Galadrapips: Go with your little furry-footed butt-buddies, kid. My bit's over, it's time for a coffee break.
Vorbo scampers off and Galadrapips turns to her pool to see a dark elf bathing in it.
Galadrapips: What are you doing?
Taranborn: Why, isn't this the jaccuzzi?
Galadrapips: Plumbing doesn't exist in this world...how do you explain the bubbles?
Taranborn: Nevermind that. What say you take a gander at what things that are and maybe you and me can start doing some things that have yet to come to pass.
Galadrapips: Thanks, but I remember the things that were. You need to wait another few thousand years for Viagra to be discovered.
Taranborn: Well, fuck...I guess some things ARE harder to get into than Mordor.
To Be Continued...
Ii aaaaaaam haaavingg a reaaally abad daaay and youu make me laughh!!!!!!!!!! I lovvve you Paarcie!!!!!!!!
