In about a week we'll be discussing parts from the unbelievable Kell's Legend by Andy Remic.
Praise so far:
"Every character is a high-functioning retard. Of this, I am certain." -Sean
"It includes the phrase 'his clockwork balls.'" -Parcelan
Why not join?
Unless clockwork testicles are mentioned twice in this novel. I've not yet finished it.
Also, I don't have a Kindle.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith
So the concept is we would buy terrible books and then MST3K them? I've got a couple from the early days before I learned to distinguish the real authors from the self-publishing illiterati. I mean, who the hell writes an entire fucking novel in present tense?
--Satan, quoted by John Milton
Kell's Legend is currently three dollars on Kindle.
If I had purchased this book physically, I would burn it. I sincerely mean this.
The book is insulting in ways that pop-culture trash like The DaVinci Code, Twilight, and Alex Cross could only dream of, because I'm certain the authors of those novels/series understand their own shortcomings.
Andy Remic's last name is an anagram of "crime", which is a terribly apt description of what he's committed: a crime of arrogance. It infects every word, every sentence of this horrible creation.
I wish I could have just put this down and washed my hands of it somewhere in the middle, but as soon as I came across a chapter where Anukis -- one of the vachine (that is, vampire-machine) main characters -- whose age is not mentioned beyond being "several centuries" being ignorant of where babies come from I knew I was in for a treat.
Another sparkling high note was the realization at around the 80% mark (a Kindle doesn't display page numbers per se, just a number of chapters and the percentage of completion of the novel) that Remic had no intention of actually ending his story. New plot points were introduced that an accomplished author would have simply held in waiting for the second novel of his trilogy, but Mister Remic is a man of action -- so much so that he had to cram two novels worth of mudflation and plot twist into one undersized sampling.
The best compliment I can give this novel is that it ends. Abruptly. So abruptly that I can only assume it to have been Divine Providence.
XOXO, yours truly,
Greenlit
p.s. Greenlit fucked around with this message on 01-25-2010 at 05:31 AM.
It appears that Mr. Remic has begun reading the works of Joe Abercrombie, and finds them very much to his liking. Hopefully he will learn something about storytelling and characterization, but this is doubtful.
quote:
Tarquinn was listening to Cher while typing:
Tell us more about those "vachines". The concept sounds hilariously reatarded.
Vachines are essentially what they sound like: vampire machines...or clockwork vampires.
In this case, "clockwork" doesn't really have much of a meaning. The vachines are described every other sentence as being clockwork, having gears, cogs, wheels and the like but there's no particular reason or order to them. One vachine opens his mouth to expose a bunch of wheels behind. Others have clockwork fangs, some have clockwork balls.
How does any of this actually work? It's not really explained. There's no particular purpose to them, I'm fairly sure. They don't have any benefits or hindrances (aside from drinking "blood oil"), they're just...clockwork.
Aside from that, they don't really have much of an agenda other than "kill everything" and "have crazy clockwork sex." They conquer, sure, but there's no real goal to it, no guiding principle. It's just "they're not clockwork, kill them" and vice versa.
This overarching theme of having no theme pretty much sums up the book.
"They came from the north, and the city fell.It is a time for warriors, a time for heroes.Kell-s axe howls out for blood.The land of Falanor has been invaded by an albino army, the Army of Iron. A small group set off to warn the king: Kell, a magnificent and brutal hero; his granddaughter, Nienna and her friend, Katrina; and Saark, the ex-Sword Champion of King Leanoric, disgraced after his affair with the Queen.Fighting their way south, betrayal follows battle, battle follows deviation, and they are attacked from all quarters by deadly warriors, monstrous harvesters who drain blood from their victims to feed their masters. As Falanor comes under heavy attack and invasion, only then does Nienna begin to learn the truth about grandfather Kell - that he is anything but a hero.Ferocious fantasy from a real-life hardman come to claim the post-Gemmell world.FILE UNDER:Fantasy [A City Besieged / A Dangerous Hero / Bloodsucking Hordes / Epic Battles] "
That was the product description. And I then read the reviews, and was a bit startled at the fact that there were three 4 star reviews, but the 1 star review was simple hilarious.
Apparently this book comes out in paperback in a couple of months. I am almost tempted to pick it up, just from the hilarity that I am reading in this thread. But at the same time, I do not want to encourage stupidity with monetary incentive...
I'm glad Amazon doesn't give a fuck.
